yehoshua wrote:


Hi, I live in America.
I am addicted to lust.
You are the rankin' veteran on this site.

b'hatzlachah

29 days sober.

Trying to be sober, not just clean. Thinking, realizing I can't go on like an addict acting out. Not another step.

Listening to NA anonymous testimonials on Youtube. They constatly repeat, the dope bag ain't the problem. And I am listening and working, cos I know what my problem is, what my addiction is. It doesn't help to know though, I really need the contact and I need to grow.

yehoshua wrote:


Your post is a beauty, Yehoshua, thanks so much. There's so much in your words...

1- Your yearning for a recovery community, chaver, is heart-wrenching and I relate so much. Before I had the guts (translate: pain) to join a real meeting, I frequently fantasized about how wonderful it would be if I only had the guts to confront that other frummy I met walking through the red-light district here, and ask him to 'join forces with me against our enemy'. Of course, the one time he saw me see him, he ran away from me like a bat out of hell. But I agree with your sentiment and instinct: community is essential.

So consider starting an SA meeting right where you are with the first guy who comes along...he may have contacted the SA central office a year ago, but they had to tell him as well that there are no meetings in the People's Republic of Pornistan, or wherever your secret lair is... I personally went through this over the past decade with many guys in London, in Manchester, in China, and other places where there were no meetings...and they did start meetings eventually. They are huge meetings in many places now, b"H. The ultimate service you can do is to be there for the other, unknown newcomer, by making a meeting that only you attend for a while...they will eventually arrive if a meeting exists.

2- Books, videos and tapes are great. Now, how about calling guys in recovery? Need connections in your time zone? Call/email the SA central office or you can email me at wequithiding@gmail.com and I may very well have a connection in the same latitude, longitude, or sea level you need.

3- "Porn and masturbation are not the problem. But you guys know that already."
Well, no, actually the overwhelming majority of GYE guys do not in their wildest imaginations conceive of anything being more relevant or important than their sperm-wasting problem. After all, it's so terrible a sin, how could anything be more important to focus their recovery on than it?

They do not realize that 1- they are probably not addicts, no matter what anyone says they are, 2- if they actually are addicts, they will not get free by focusing on not sinning, and 3- that - as crazy as it sounds (cuz the Torah says masturbation and porn fantasy are really bad) - their habitual erotic escapes are not their problem but rather are really their temporary, sweet solution to a life they cannot fully face.

Then they hear about 'the 12 steps' and are sold a bill of goods that the 12 steps are the way to finally get sober. But it's not. It's usually just the way to become able to stay sober. They are lied to and told that the main reason they masturbated themselves was because of their middos/defects, etc - their Irritability, Restlessness, and Discontent...and that if they work on their middos, they will finally be freed of their need to lust! Balderdash.

For, if they are addicts, then they naturally believe sex will save them, period. For the addict, besides lusting being a solution to life's problems, it is the one thing we trust the intuitively to give us the real feeling of being alive, vital and excited about being ourselves for a blessed minute. Us and our body parts are the star of the Great Show, and we just love it! So it's hard to give up...even if it were NOT a sin, at all. We need support and to touch, see, and meet other people like us who have actually given it up and did not die.

Real community is a thing that posting with a fake name to fake people who may be faking who they really are, cannot give a person. Meeting a man in person, actually shaking his hand and saying, "So, you and I both habitually masturbate to porn, use prostitutes, phone sex, or whatever, and here we are. How are you doing today?", is priceless and their is no substitute for it. Looking into the eyes of a fellow recovering masturbater - whether he is a Jew or a goy - and being able to talk plainly about your own faith in G-d's Will for you and His love for you and even just in the fact that you believe in G-d at all...is priceless. And NO SEFER can give you that. A person gets far more from the eyes of a fellow believer - even if he be a goy - than from any sefer.

Wow, what a precious lesson of experience.

You are a precious gift to anyone who may meet you needing their own recovery, Yehoshua. Hatzlocha meeting him. He is there somewhere and needs you.

Dov you rock, you make me feel like I can jump straight to step 12. :-) Spread the word, help others, bond, hey any girls around :-)... Ups, sorry.

And yes, being alone is f* up, I feel like slipping even though I am not. On this count I am really really clean. I don't do diddly thing that would resemble a slip or a fall. But there is this troll in me, a voice like Mark L says (NA), that wants me to fail at everything I do today. Honestly, I feel like crying reading your words. I heard Adam T on Youtube (NA) say in his speach, that when he talks to someone who just relapsed claiming the steps or the NA don't work, Adam asks him: How many people where you sponsoring at the time?

Don't be a taker, be a giver. Addiction is the most dangerous spectator sport. As Adam T. puts it.

But I am so scared. Still holding it together, I feel like I could do it, Hashem could help me do it. But honestly I go through the day listening to testimonials.

Of course... People crashing into my office: Hey what are you listening to? Anything good? They would then go and sometimes pick up the earphones.

Oh, just Beethoven... Good thing I had that on pause.

All the best to you guys.

And Dov, hopefully I have enough pain

yehoshua wrote:


sometimes I think we crave pain.

Yes, indeed as addicts I heard we need full dose in everything, in acting out and in recovery...

And I feel like only this recovery is on my mind. I am not thinking about anything else, this is the number one in my head. I forgot to go to the doctor, cos I was thinking about running as part of my recovery plan and preparing food as a recovery plan (start living healthy), but it all fuels from reading about other people recovering, how they recovered. I forgot to take the shoes from the bag for my little girl in kindergarten, so she wore her boots all day long... I am such an idiot, all I think is about me and my addiction.

I didn't join any group, I have no filter. But to keep clean I read and listen to NA anonymous, SA anonymous, AA anonymous all the time. While I work, I listen to NA speakers, at home I go to the toilette and read AA literature, when clean I listen to NA speakers on my mobile... And so I forget all else.

I feel kind of pround of that. But on the other hand, I feel depressed and nothing is working cos i am preocupied and then I fail at things (work, relationship,...). And when I fail, I feel like a loser and want to act out.

All the best to you guys...

P.S. My ankle is ok and I started running again.

51 days. We can be clean for ever just today.

I did my morning run - 5 km. :-)

I am ok. I pray every time i see a woman or a man that I lust for: O God, whatever I am looking in that woman may I find in you God just for today.

And I am ok.

I remember, I once wanted to end my life, I felt like living dead.


All the best to you guys.

Hi, I just wanted to stop by and say hello. Have a wonderful Shabboss!

Thank you, it really was wonderful :-)

Being clean, never thought it can be possible to look my family members in the eyes and smile and it will be ok, it will be honest, real.

Honestly. I feel like acting out, can't work, too lazy, too fat, too stupid.... And I saw some funny fails on Youtube, that for moment showed a bit of legs and a bit of breasts (not naked though). Feels like I am slipping.

Reading my written dairy, I found my notes that I took reading a diary of an heroin addict. Here a quote:

"Many of you will not make it," said the old man with husky voice and down his cheeks tears stared to fall. It was cruel, but it was the truth.

Fear, doubt, looking back, looking for compromises, making deals with love, giving the responsibility over to others, laziness, selfpity, egoism... all that are deceiving grips in the wall, they promise rest, but rest is deadly.

From those there is no way up, only despair and fall are left.

The way into the light doesn't promise any rest, it is inexorable, but it is the only way to life and that it is why it is beautiful.

Thank you for sharing and thank you for your honesty. Just for today can you choose to be sober? Tomorrow you are free to choose again.

Hatzlacha!

54 days

I want to write everything here, tell my whole story, everything...

This morning was hard, I got up too late, at 4.40 am. I needed sleep so bad, usually get up at 4.15. I went to bed too late (midnight cos of the washing... and the day before too)... I am not eating right, so I spend so much time on the toillet. (I so want you guys to admire this 4.15 - but honestly, that is just the best hour and you can't do it much differently if you want to have time for the family and work - so it is necessary.)

Ok, ok, I know a bit too much. But this is what I dealing with. Cos I really want to do my running in the morning. And usually I do, but now I didn't cos I got up too late.

And yet I am just frustrated, that I am not doin enough.

It is so true. If you don't follow the (your) program, then it is untreated addiction. And you can't keep your breath for so long and you can't be clean on the shower you took yesterday.

So back to the program that I set and I will try to follow it as much as I possible can.

All the best to you guys.

I am not running, not doing my morning workouts. But i did do my cooking and cleaning. But I don't feel good. I want to act out. I am having a slip right now, I just opened something - I didn't watch it - but I am alone at work and usually I act out in these kind of situation. I am tired and hopeless and want to relax - no, not relax, i want to escape.

So just being honest.

I believe this is a slip. I didn't watch porn and I didn't masturbate. But I am loosing it and something is wrong with my program.



I am not following the program!!!


I closed the tab. Now I will close the comp.


All the best to you guys!!

Guard edited me, ups... Sorry, I will be more careful not to put graphic things in my posts.

I did my morning workout and my morning run. I prepared food for the day at work.

In the weekend I found that I am not taking sleep serious enough. Almost dozed off while driving, so I spend one hour and a half while driving tensing and relaxing my body. No accident, Baruch Hashem.

But i do need to take this program more seriously. It is possible to give my best shot. Just for today...