Welcome back!

Hi welcome back! KUTGW!

I identify very strongly with "the boy who never grew up", and also with being lazy.

i fell

oh my Lord, oh my G-d. I had a huge fight with a colleague of mine at work and a huge fight with my wife. Then my wife left me alone at the apartment and went to grandmother's, where we actually live right now, since we are renovating...

So I stayed back, alone with the computer and some chores to do -> assemble a closet and do some cleaning, so that our apartment would be ready and we could move in. And then I went on internet, put in private browsing, also went on GYE, but that didn't help, I watched a video from someone who fights porn and helps victims, christian orientated.
That didn't work and I chatted on the GYE, ... One thing he said made sense, call someone. But i have no one to call. Well I sunken deeper and started watching graphic porn and I really want to view more porn now.
I am into ..., ... now and I feel the rush as i am typing this, it seems it got a rap on me and I really want more and more right now... I totally lustful, not even in remorse. I stopped after i masturbated 3 times, because I remembered my little girl.

I love here and I don't want my actions to hurt her and I am afraid that my lust will take me to a place where hurting my wife and my child will not be so farfetched, like I am got scared of that feeling when i am saying things and hearing them and they sound foreign, but i don't stop that.... I stopped because I don't want to hurt them. Acting out too much might lower the little barriers that I still have... I don't feel that remorse, I am not shaking all over and yet I am aware that this very wrong...

I am afraid, but I this time it has gone too far. This thing I cannot control. I am afraid that I will have to find professional help. Feeling like this is really bad. Before I felt like light stricken but now I feel like I want more, I need a another shot. But will my wife support me, will I be financially strong enough to join the group. My wife is studying with a small child and a job, so a lot is depending on me, to take care of. How can I go into treatment and leave them. How can i have "fun" and work on myself, while my wife is sweating like crazy trying to make ends meet.

I am alone.

Feel sorry for you. But like most of us here I can say "been there done that". Just wanted to share that many times when I was in a matzav like yours and could not get out of it, what helped was a good night's sleep. You go to sleep looking forward that Hashem will refresh your neshomo and you will wake up to a new day as a new person and you'll iy"H start fresh. Mah dehava hava - what was was. Don't look back. Look forward to a new opportunity from Hashem. If He gives you back your soul, obviously He still believes in you. So take Him up on it and try a new day. Just try your best and let Hashem do the rest. He can do miracles for you if you let Him.

Hatzlacha

MT

yehoshua wrote:
Why not?

MT thank u. I am here, Hashem gave me another chance, I am alive.

gibbor120 wrote:



All those words in my last post don't satisfy you? Hm. True, that thinking doesn't lead to results. And how will I stay sober today?

Today I did my morning workout, had breakfast and am working now. But I also typed in some shmutz that i haven't opened yet, but it is there in the other tab (window). It is waiting there to be opened, it is soft porn and sometimes it just spirals to disturbing pictures. I am feeling lustful.

What else is new?

I want to call the therapist, but I am simply afraid to. Maybe it is not my wife the problem. I think I have the problem of asking for help, I don't want to be on her back. In therapy she would have to work together with me, she would have to "save" me. And that feels helpless. I am afraid of that.

But I feel I need therapy, and I wouldn't want to act out so badly (like with real prostitutes and then with men), that it would force my wife to demand I go to treatment (and she with me). On the other hand, I would kind of like that to happen, because then I wouldn't have to force her... Being passive is easier, go with the flow, stay comfortable... And have fun along the way, what a plan, huh?

But the truth is. I am a porn addict. And I can't do this on my own. And I have to ask Hashem to give me the serenity to accept this. And even though i am scared crazy, I really can't act out to the point when my wife makes an ultimatum. I have little choice. But what if me going to therapy leads to divorce?

I was simply asking why you don't have anyone to call.

Well simple questions lead to not so simple answers...

Another sober day, I haven't slipped and haven't fallen.

I was working like crazy last night, assembled that closet. Baruch Hashem, I didn't have to do it alone, I had Hashem's help. Then I cleaned the whole apartment, Hashem there too helped like crazy. And then I blew it, I didn't get up when the alarm rang and got late to work...
I have to speed up... Thank G-d I am not alone working. I have Hashem's help. Darn, He is fast though, so I have to pick it up...

All the best to You guys!!!

My Name is Michael, I am a porn and a sexaddict.

So here goes, I just had a slip. Cos a friend sent me paintings by Dali and there were so very charming. Not a problem otherwise, but as I am shaky I went straight to type in "nude art" and then clicked on this lady reading something half naked. You couldn't see anything of her really, but I clicked and it is a slip...

I didn't get up this morning when the alarm went off. But BH my wife and I still got on time too work... It happens to often these days. Plus then I didn't do my morning workout and I am not running at all the past few days.

This is an alarm... A slip, no running, no reading, feeling down...

I really have to go back to basics, being sober 15 minutes at a time!!! And then go from there...

All the best to You guys!!!

This weekend went ok, I did my best...

I can really recommend Puer Aeternus by Marie Luize von Franz. Perhaps even for frum people here, since Dov recommended therapist who spezializes in sex addictions to one chevra here.
Ok enough of my apology for reading pshico literature.

It says that the Puer Aeternus has always a way out, an escape and that is suicide. Marie Luize uses Jung to portray Saint Exupery on the basis of dream - that dream is the story Little Prince. When the Prince meets the snake, the snakes gives him a way out of trouble, out of this world when it gets too imberable to stay. And that is what is to expect from addicts, we always keep that "nuclear reset button" (like Dov says) near, always a get a away and that is why we are not living to the full. We are actually not ready to go to the bitter end with someone or something, since we have that button.

Marie Luize gives a young lady, that is troubled and wants to commit suicide, a suggestion - why don't you wait a week. If you are serious, then one week will not do a difference...

A scary thought. But it is fair. Suicide is an option, acting out is an option. But just wait a week. For me 15 minutes is the waiting span right now

Does this make any sense!???

Well kept me sober...

yehoshua, why don't you join an SA group in your area? See www.sa.org. It's free.

Also, you can join the GYE phone community to have a whole roster of guys to call when the going gets tough.

And have you tried the TaPHSiC method? If searching or clicking for shmutz will cost you to have to fast tomorrow, wouldn't that help you cut down a lot?

Use the tools of GYE... Hashem will help you out of this insanity.

oh boy, a guard sighting! Hi guard!

That wasn't Guard. It was Marie Luize dressed as him.

She liked fur hats. Maybe a gilgul of a chosid's wife who was a gilgul of Bella Abzug.

Yes but this Marie has a gun too.

This is an honour, the Guard in my thread.


This question, hm....

So I didn't join an SA group yet, because I feel like I can't put my wife throught that... Who am i kidding...

TaPHSiC I tried, but doesn't really work for me. I will try and do it again. It usually involves that one calls someone, but I have no one to call.

I did call Elya (Eye.nonymus) and that was huge. But my phone bill was too then, I needed to get up from that fall too. But it was worth it, just can?t do it on a regular basis....

I tried to join a phone group, but Dov tould me that this is not a place to learn about jiddishkeit. I understand that, of course, it wasn't my intent for that. Maybe Dov said it, cos I mentioned that I am secular and that I simply afraid that I might not fit in. Dov suggested I go to a live SA group, I would benefit far more in a live group. So, no phone group. In some sense Dov is right, going to a phone group with bunch of frum guys, is sort of an escape for me to a world of big hats, long beards and mumblings, to a world that I don't know and the world I admire. Perhaps it would really be just another world, not my real world. And I have to let go of shame in a real world....

So I understand that.

And now the live SA group. Ok, I told my wife about my addiction. I told her on many occassions that I want to join a group too. Did I join a group? No, cos it didn't get so problematic. There was always some ground I could catch... So it never got bad to the point of hitting ground. And I didn't join a group.

Is it possible to make it on my own? Very, very hard - people say. There some who made it, nobody knows who... But who am I kidding.

But one of the main things is to get out of myself. And my wife works, takes care of our baby, we renovated our apartment and she inscribed herself in to another study to keep her job.
So I work, pray, read, try to run and I post here. Trying to be a good husband and a good dad. Going to treatment and taking my wife to treatment too, cos there is no going alone - the spouse must go through the treatment too, is very selfish. As I see it...

So if you excuse me all, I will go and act out... Ok, that is a joke. It did get a bit depressing in the middle there.

But the way I see it is, that I am helpless, but I am not hopeless. So a new day. Perhaps a good day to join a group...

All the best to you guys and thanks...

P.S. Why do people dislike Marie Luize!?