yehoshua wrote:

"I wish I had a sledgehammer to smash this thing!"???

Uf I want to fall so bad. I just had a slip. I clicked on the wrong ....


I really slept only four hours today and yesterday and the day before the same. So I am really tired. And I am really into into playing an inferior role when it comes to viewing p*. And I feel like a real loser and that is a role I would like to play when acting out.

There I said it. I am loser and I want to be one and act out as a loser hoping some woman will take me away from reality.

I am helpless.


Darn so helpless.


I was working yesterday cleaning and stuff till 2am and then watched a movie Lolita by Kubrick cos I know all a bout that film but I haven?t seen it. So went to bed at 3am. And got up at, I don?t know....

And now I have to cook for my little girl and I have no energy, I just want to fall over and sleep. But I can't do that, that is why I want to act out. I can't work and I can't sleep. So here I am wanting to act out.




So I am a reall asshole to my wife and my kid. Like so pathetic and lost and selfish.


I gotta go and make food.

Thanks guys.

I'm going thru a stressful time myself. It's crazy - I have a inner voice telling me "act out!! And all your problems will disappear!" It sounds nuts but that's how it feels.
What helps me during these lusting attacks is, to remember what happens after I act out. Will you my problems really just go away?? Or will acting out just make my problems worse? Not acting out is not the solution to any issue, but at least I'm able to cope with the situation in the best possible way. Once I act out however, I will have so much self pity and hate, that even the simplest tasks will be a major effort. Much more so, regarding the problems that got me into this craving in the first place.

"We only control our effort and not the outcome" is a lifesaver in any hard situation.


Kol hakavod for having the strength to keep going even after a slip! It's so hard!
You are giving me major chizuck!

Avrom tnx so much, u are so right. There is really nothing that I can do about my defects of character, I can't change that. But I can make some small changes.

So then I made lunch for my little girl. But with all the other stuff it got burned, so I made one more lunch. Luckely I was just in time and my baby could get lunch just after she woke up.

Baruch Hashem.

All the best to you guys.

Yeshoshua, all I can say is that one day, you will be a real mother.

....maybe that didn't come out right, there...

Hm, i will becomme real. That will do

Anoter day. I am so slepy.

sleep well :yawn:

Stared working again. And all the well known fears and problems are arising again. The main problem here is fear.

I must comment on this, but I am working right now and I will come back....

No time to comment... And I found a beautiful wording for what is my issue or wish on aish.com.

Here a thought from Aliza Bulow:

So I have this thought in mind: “God, I am only this big, I am limited in my accomplishments, and whatever I have achieved so far, I am not big enough to handle the task at hand. So, please God, open up my boundaries and allow me to flow to places that I have never flowed to before. But please, don’t let that flow go all over the place. Please help me channel it so that my mouth shall declare your praise. Please help me be Your servant and do Your will.”

The word flow sounds so good. I love it. Vau,

Honestly I had a few slips yesterday, but I didn't watch any p*, I did stumble upon half nudes, because I was reading the news (my mouse just went over a title and there she was). But I also typed in shmutz only to delete it again and closing the page.

Yesterday I watched Ford's Stagecoach till 2 am and then turned off my comp and went to bed. Vau I felt so good after that.

But this morning I fell asleep and was late 1 hour (for it just means I have to work 1 hour longer) and my wife was angry. Then I come home late. So I blew it. I am taking things too easy.

It is ok that I want to educate myself, but not on the account of other responsibilities. Aj, my bad.

I am so sorry about that.

I hope I can manage to be more responsible today. Darn...

i am in trouble

can we help you?

you are with friends. whats going on?

I am in trouble, too. Not kidding and not trying to be cute or kitch, either. I am an addict and by all rights should not be sober today, should not have a wife today, and should not have anything good at all. As an addict, I take all those gifts and turn them into crap - without Recovery (which is G-d) today.

So we are in the same boat.

Anything else you want to share besides the expected and obvious, then?