VAU, you all are amazing. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

I feel like one inch higher!!! This is amazing Jack, Bards, Heuni, Kedusha,  Jack, Eye and Guard all at once in my thread reply on one post - vow I did wait for this day. I feel like I just got a birthday cake. If I could put this feeling in a box, it would be a source of light in every dark moment.

But a moment of truth. I had a conscious choice in my dream and I made the wrong one. That was a fell schmell. Thank you for making the "getting back up" sweeter!

I carry a little paper with me at all times to use when I am triggered , lustfull. It says:

YELL GEWALT, SOHN G-TTES IN GEFAHR, NICHT DER WEG DES TODES, NUR HEUTE NICHT if I feel I can't do it, if i am too tiredm if i hvae lustfull thoughts, if i feel self pity, fear, lust, lazyness, sadness...

Then say THANK YOU, ONLY THROUGH PAIN, CAN I BECOME A BETTER HUMAN BEING. PLEASE GOD I NEED YOU. PLEASE, I WANT TO TAKE THE PATH OF LIFE, JUST TODAY HELP ME.

Then HOLD THE FRONT AND THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD and plead, pray to all the TZADIKIM, to all are holy, all your forfathers and formothers, to Hashem praying: YOU ARE ALL WATCHING ME, SO PLEASE LET ME ENTER THE

HELPLESS STATE - I am too small, too stupid, too weak, too afraid for this job. Please help me smile, tell me what to think, what to say, what to do just for today!


(this is actually where I would use the 12 steps. And then If Hashem allows to a resourcefull STATE).

Here my resourcefull STATES:

BABY STEP STATE - Baby steps count too, as long you keep moving.

PLISKIN STATE - Let's have fun puttin away the toys now.

GIMMEL STATE - Do a mitzvah today, do a mitzvah now. How can I make someone happy right now. Chase after others to do mitzvahs for them, run like gimmel, as fast as you can. If not now, you may never get another chance!!!


HOMELESS STATE - You gotta do this yourself, the cavalry is not coming, there isn't any back up, you gotta do this yourself. You gotta get up, nobody else can do that for you. (you don't have your guard up, well someone will hit you hard. You didn't take care of something, you are down and out, then too bad)

REMEMBER STATE - go back and remember how you destroyed Amalek just for that moment. I was on the bottom and then I smiled and got back up. Remember what Amalek did and choose life today.

TIME OUT STATE - have a break, breathe in and breathe out, read some Torah, read something on gardening or growing vegetables, drink something, a coffee, eat something small like a cookie, take another breathe in, call a loved one and do a small mitzvah, small kindness for no reason.

FERRARI STATE - Everybody wants to be the best, the fastest, greatest, coolest. But you can't drive your kids in that ferrari, you can't drive it on dirty, bad roads, transport anything, you can't leave it unprotected, take your family. Do you really want to polish it and fuel it all the time. What outcome do you want? For that you give everything you got!


Hopefully this will work today!

I am invited to a birthday party Sunday at 5 p.m. (his wife is 30), but I will miss a basketball game. So i called my friend and asked him if it is ok, that I come after the game. He said it was ok.

Should I feel sorry?

He will understand, I really need to see the game.

This seems like a trigger to me.


And I am not "I", I am that "friend". Maybe I just don't show myself respect, maybe my feelings are not important, maybe this feeling of anger leads to death. But my life, Baruch Hashem, does not depend on my "friend".


Again, I am helpless. Baruch Hashem, I am helpless.

yehoshua wrote on 06 Sep 2011 07:23:


I love those different "States" you describe. Thank you.

May I ask what the above words mean? Is it German? I tried Google translate and it said: "YELL OF GOD, GOD'S SON IN DANGER, NOT THE WAY OF DEATH, NOT ONLY TODAY"

And what do you mean by "pray to the saints"? Are you Jewish? If not, you are still more than welcome here - I'm just curious...  ;D

Yes Jewish, but I was not raised Jewish. Well saints was really Tzaddiks, but if holy people of other religions come to my aid, vow, that will be great too.  ;D

SOHN G-TTES IN GEFAHR, NICHT DER WEG DES TODES, NUR HEUTE NICHT = Son of G-d in danger, not that way of death, just not today.

Rav Zelig Pliskin describes these states...

Thank you so much for your question Rav Guard. It is an honour.

truck along dont thuink

just truck!!!!!!!!!

enjoy your birthday cake

i like the time out state
do you enjoy gardening? i do

yes, gardening. I am learning still, but I love it.

yehoshua wrote on 06 Sep 2011 13:14:


Wow

Unser freund spricht Deutsche!

Can you please tell us what in the world "geshtaltzumfleegen" means?

This will settle a longstanding debate here on the forum...

Well, the real question is, is this german? "geshtaltzumfleegen"

Hm... Perhaps "Gestalt zum Fliegen", then it is "a shape (form) for flying"!? Well I am missing the context.

But ok, it could be "Gestalt zu fliegen" - more finds on google. "zu" would then have a syntax function (Infinitiv with "zu") - anyway, that would be part of a sentence, like:

The wizard could change into a raven and in that shape he flies...

Does this make any sense?

yehoshua wrote on 07 Sep 2011 08:14:


Gevaldiggggggg!

It makes more sense than many of the posts here on the forum...

just a thought
you like gardening because you like to connect to nature?
or because you like to see results from something that you actually did yourself?
or because its a timeouter?

Vou, good question. I think all of those, plus the fact, that I don't have to do it and that I am not alone in doing it. I connect to something bigger than me, I feel tired at the end and when I look at the garden I can't help but wonder - how did this all come to be.

Sure if you don't work hard at it, then it will not grow - you see the results of your work. But there is something more to it - the growing part is not mine. Hashem makes it grow, it's a mystery - just like seeing a baby grow. He just grows and its beautiful.

I think it makes the whole eating experience different and I guess it makes me kind of more human, when I am working on the garden. A whole person.

wow! this is a very deep insight, i like it
you qupted "its something that i dont have to do it"
i allways found that a big pressure easer, when a overwhelming project is in front of me i say:
i dont HAVE to do it, i WANT to do it, if its not gona work out, what the hack do i care
that paradoxly gives me the push to do it

I don't like reading, I don't like anything, I can't focus and I don't care. I have so much to do and I can't collect my thoughts.

This is it. After all this time I still didn't move one iota from where I stood. I said it again and again and again. So here I stand again at verge, on the ledge.

I am in a state of numbness and want to take the usual way out, I am like in quick sand. The more I struggle, the more I sink in. I am in a highly dangerous state. I can't even yell GEWALT.

This weeks Torah portion really gives an insight to my struggle. How do you fight Amalek, how do you even begin. Sure once I am up and above I can fight it, but here on the ground it is impossible.
Torah says to REMEMBER. Remember what he did to us.

So I am reading my past posts - I even added a new STATE  called REMEMBER STATE.

This is actually HIT BOTTOM WHILE ON TOP.

This Exodus thing is really heavy. I didn't see the wonders that happened in Mitzrayim, but I know Mitzrayim, I am in Mitzrayim, I don't want to be like Mitzrayim.

I want get out, but like the ancient Jews, I am having real problems in leaving the belowed slavery. So what if everybody hates me, I linger on. The worst thing is, that even the ancient Jews return from the desert. This time like a "new" nation, they are different, stronger, they are holy.

Holy, kosher.

Oh man. How did they come through. Those that couldn't, didn't. They died.

So we remember, we remember in order to kill Amalek. I am yelling GEWALT. I am sorry, that I let it linger so long in my stupid head.

One iota, just today, just one iota.

Keep trucking if you are reading this.

We're all trucking right along with you!

Gevura!