BS"D

Hi, I'm Dove, I was given permission to write here.

This is my first time taking about my problem in public, I have only told this to selected people privately.



I'm 21 years old, I have no wife, no friends (at least in my city), and I am in the process of conversion in a city where there is no Jewish community. I have felt that there is no way to stop future falls, so I am going to at least try here.

I have a filtered computer in whitelist mode (I don't know anyone else who does this).



I plan to vent here, because knowing that others know what I'm going through is enough chizuk to keep me going.I plan to write here every day that I have some time, today I start with day 0 of being clean.



Berachot!

Welcome Dove!

Sounds like you're in a tough life situation these days. I'm sorry to hear that.

Stick around, post, connect, work, learn, grow, and you'll be flying from the nest in no time.

Hatzlacha!

Day 1:

I had to go to college and Baruch Hashem I have high myopia and astigmatism to take my glasses off when I'm on the street, but I ride a bike. Although it is a little dangerous it has worked.

In the classes I sit in the front chairs so as not to have women in sight, although unfortunately in one class a woman also sat in one of the front chairs so I was a little distracted.

Now I need to study and I guess I should use YouTube but most likely I will end up doing things other than studying. I can get distracted just because a female teacher shows up. Any advice on using YouTube?

Ty chosemyshem

Hey dove
Sounds like you are in a challenging place.  Social isolation is something that can really get you down. I'm sorry to hear it is so difficult for you. You are very courageous for taking this so seriously. I'd love to hear more about you! 
Wishing you much success on your journey!

Day 2:

Today I had a hard time getting out of bed, because I didn't have to go to college and I didn't know what to do, but I remembered that I am telling you about my day to day and you give me good wishes, and that gave me enough strength to get up and I remembered that I had pending tasks, so I got down to work.

I have a filtered computer so that I can't install any programs, as the websites I can access are limited.

I did this to have a computer with internet access 100% free of pornography.

But the disadvantage is that they ask me for programs that I have to use to do college work. Or other websites that they ask me to access, or even to update the programs I already have so they can work, I can't do any of that. And that discourages me a lot.

If it wasn't for you guys, I can assure you that I would have had a fall today.

Todah.

Day 3:

Today I woke up like a lion. I don't know what the balance should be between filters and what one should use the internet for. But I felt confident so I asked my partner who manages my network to allow me a website to download the programs I needed.

Everything was a success. But I don't know whether to leave it or remove the website.

...

I think everyone who wants to take care of their eyes should block all browser images and allow images only on sites that are safe.

When I can I would like to manage the whitelist filters of others to help you, whoever wants to can write me privately to do so in the next few days. I would love to help.

Day 4:

Nothing to highlight.

Just that I don't have a smartphone and I don't want to have one, but at the university they use WhatsApp a lot, most of the subjects have a WhatsApp group, it's the main way of communication between students and I can't find a way to remove the profile pictures on the smartphones.
I have already lost scores for not having a smartphone.

What I currently do is to have WhatsApp open on my mom's smartphone while I use WhatsApp Web on my desktop computer where I can get rid of the images. I don't know what to do.



....


Chag Purim Sameach.

I share my progress of the last 30 days here (Something else means ejaculation)

dove63 wrote on 14 Mar 2025 01:04:

Shalom Brother Dove,

On the score card that counts you may have broken through the ceiling. 

Hang in there, keep following your principles, and BezH it will work out for you.

Hatzlacha and Purim Sameach to you as well

Do you have ruach hakodesh!? They sound like words of heaven. The right words at the right time.

I didn't know if it was an exaggeration what I was doing, but even a book on Shabbat said:

"The main way to turn away from evil is to turn away as far as possible from all lust, and unholiness and unchastity." (A new light, chapter 3)

Day 6: Successful

Berachot!

Wow wow wow. What strength I keep giving excuses for em to keep WhatsApp on my phone . I find it so impressive that you were able to rid yourself of it even though you need it.

Hatzlocha !

dove63 wrote on 16 Mar 2025 03:41:

If Hashem sent you a message through my Neshama to yours than I am truly honored to have been chosen as the conduit.

Just read from Rabbi Twerski that the ad delo yaddah of Purim is that one should no longer know between Mordecahi - good, and Hamman - evil. The goal is to see that there is no in between here, no compromise. Good is good and bad is bad. Absolute!

All the best Brother!

Day 9:

I fell today. There were so many little problems and I got my head so far into them that I got carried away.

A female classmate of mine indirectly asked me to group with her for a workshop, but I ignored it.

I feel bad for having let her down because I have felt that pain and it hurts me to remember it, but I would also feel bad for accepting it because of the things that may happen.

I fell, but not with P or M, just that I tried to look for it quickly but it is not available at some clicks, and it seems to me a very low thing to make the effort to look for it knowing that I am not alone.

I quickly forget the concepts: "Keep my head out of my problems"
It seems that I had no choice, everything I did was going to end badly.

I feel that no one has been as low as I have been

Of the last six months most days have been falls. How can I erase from my mind all that I have seen?

I doubt that in the last 10 years I have had a streak longer than 20 days.
As shown in the image:point_down:

dove63 wrote on 19 Mar 2025 03:54:

Brother Dove,

I see 88 days of hard-fought victories in your chart. And even days with technical falls have victories - case and point avoiding a surely challenging situation with your female classmate.

Please see the post from Amevakesh this morning https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/2-What-Works-for-Me/433002-Re-Navigating-the-ocean-of-my-life

I don't know how it works, but Hashem tells us that teshuva erases sins like a dissipating cloud. Whatever you may have done or seen doesn't detract from your ability to move forward - it can add to it. Our mission in life is to connect with G-d. The challenges we face make our victories, even the partial ones, all the more meaningful to him. 
Check out this beautiful story / lesson of the half-eaten cake https://torahanytime.com/lectures/239335

This morning you woke up with a Neshama - an actual piece of G-d inside you. There is no greater proof that He is still wanting to connect with you. If the Rebono Shel Olam didn't give up on us, who are we to give up on ourselves?

There is hope. You are not alone. G-d wants you. We are here for you. You are not low, you are precious. You are the son of The King of all Kings. He knows all that you have done and all that you can do, and He is waiting for you to find in yourself the value that He knows is inside you.

I believe in you Brother. Please believe in yourself. This is a tremendous struggle, and G-d knows that - your efforts are huge. Every day is a new day. Yesterday has passed and tomorrow isn't yet. Today, in one single moment, we can take the gift of life that Hashem has given us and elevate ourselves. 

All the best

Todah BenHashem, I repeat what has already been said: the struggle becomes easier when you know that there are others who care about your success.

About 5 months ago I removed torahanytime.com from my whitelist because I did M with the women there (I don't know whether to add it again).
Thank you for your words of encouragement, today I stand up again with more strength and experience.
It seems that I should not let a day go by without writing how my journey is going because I might forget.