I was thinking about that, but I have more experience with the cold, like when I once broke the ice in a lake to toivel (yeah, I used to be fanatic about my avodah, and you-know-what happened along the way).
Also there's a great lesson told by the Baal Shem Tov when he saw ice being carved into a cross - the result of losing passion and warmth for the important things in life can be an indifference to Hashem and everything we hold dear.

I'm back to posting after this 2 week break, with several mini falls. Its been a rough sefirah after an almost 180 day great stretch. Those 180 days felt accomplishing and was quite impressive, but also a letdown when life just got harder.

I'm trying to keep expressing my hard feelings and my physical desires to Hashem - "velo chasachta". That is a yirei Hashem - not to hide from or deny the feelings or quash the desires, but to let Hashem know I am aware He gave them to me and I don't know how to manage them on my own. Also not to have one area I keep holding onto as one area I want on my terms, even if it is to help me deal with the challenges of life.

I am editing out my long post. Just in short - life has really been not easy for a very long time. I trust Hashem will pull me out of this. Hashem, please give me reason to keep trusting and not give up.

Wow.

All I can do is offer you a warm hug and a shoulder to cry on...

Just said a kapital for you, brother.

Did too !!!

Yesterday evening I was going through a period of such frustration, stress and depression that I told Hashem, vocally, that I'm about to lose it and fall unless He helps me out. Literally the next second I got a call from someone saying they can help me out a bit to take care of my wife's and family's Shavuos needs.

I hope to get in a better space soon. In the meantime, I need to ask Hashem for his support.

Some Torah reflections over Shavuos: 

In Me'am Loez / Torah anthology, one of the reasons given for the harsh enslavement of Mitzrayim was because the Yidden stopped keeping Bris milah, which is meant to decrease the drive; so to decrease it, Hashem replaced it with the enslavement. 
Good to see some basis for my theory of the intense "insanity therapy" Hashem is putting me through.

I was relearning a Maamar from Likutei Torah (Alter Rebbe) on Veerastich (Bamidbar Haftorah), which I said over for my Lchaim/vort. In short, the maamar discusses the two types of Kalah: Bais Shamai says "Kalah Naeh Vachasudah", and Beis Hillel says "Kalah Kemos Shehi - she is good as is, even if she is lame or blind". Kalah is the neshamah that desires Hashem (klos Hanefesh); Beis Shamai refers to the neshamos that remain pristine, and Beis Hillel talks about the neshamah that got stuck in ______. But still it could return to desire Hashem.

How so? Originally the Vearastich - the engagement and dedication - is intended to be Le'olam, forever; but if it gets messed up, there is still on some  level, Vearastich li b'emunah - there is a faith and trust that there will be a rededication, and that is what holds even in the dark times. but in order to fully return to the correct path, there needs to be chessed - a selfless giving; mishpat, self-awareness and a deep understanding of the mess thats been made, and rachamim - the knowledge that one needs mercy for the soul that got mired in the dirt. 
The full return is only accomplished when there is vayadata - a deep understanding and connection that we are bound at the core to Hashem.

A lot to reflect on in my relationship with Hashem and my wife. In some way, I felt this all deeply before I got married in my desire to reconnect fully to Hashem; now I have to apply it to my marriage when the connection feels very limited.

Over Shavuos, I spent almost my entire day (and some of the nights) just staying with my wife and taking care of her fairly constant needs, most of which to me seem illogical and futile.  But I know I've done a lot of embarrassing, illogical things, and I know my wife is a good person. Either she is trying her best and is in an extremely compromised situation, or she is also suffering from delusions that are trapping her. Either way I have a lot of compassion for her.

As long as I have no other expectations of life, I can just be present and take care of her. Thats great for Shavuos, I think its harder when the kids go back to school and I have some time on my hands, and I have this constant debate about whether I should try making more money or working towards some bigger goals/opportunities, or just staying present and trusting. I think this debate is fairly common, its just a lot more intense when life is very out of control. 

A reflection: 

P*rn be like:

Instead of asking Mommy to heat up a chocolate chip cookie, which she would do with love and a hug, the kid steals the cookie from the jar, heats it up himself until he burns it, then sprinkles on some confectionary sugar to cover up the burnt taste. Then he eats his burnt cookie with a lot of guilt and shame and wonders why he thought his method was worthy of consideration.

OK so after don Ghermezian's vayimaen video today - I made a hachloto to not watch news for a week. I have almost all news blocked on my computer, maybe I can access just a few sites these days, but it has been my go-to method of distraction from stress at the computer, including my computer freezing up and not working from all the intense filter blocks I put on the internet.
In the past it has been my gateway drug to worse things if it didnt do the job of destressing me.
Today was day 1! Bh. Not that life got any better - it just got a harder, almost all day taking care of the wife, and the bank accounts stayed in the red.  Ok, that's Hashem's will, but I at least did not go on any news, and my computer is about to shut down at 9.  Big accomplishment! lets go for tomorrow!

Wow! Amazing going! I wish you only hatzlochah!

Sorry for the cliffhanger, that wasn't the end of the story. At 11:00 last night, someone gave $1000 to cover the bank account and my wife's urgent health needs. 
Hashem shows He's there for me in the end, and appreciates my efforts.

Was just listening and crying last night to the words "Won't you just tell me, who now will embrace me" from Yanky Lemmer (Broken Hearts) in my upstairs office. Right after the song finished, my 8 yr old son, who couldn't possibly have heard the song playing, came upstairs and gave me a big, long hug.
Thank you Hashem.

Question: What do you do when you are 99% sure that your wife is following a path and making decisions that are completely illogical and slowly killing herself, but she insists she is healing herself and that she has no other options and will not listen to other options? 

Answer: say a kapital, ask for Hashem's help and guidance, and try to accept Hashem's plan.

I never thought I could feel so helpless. 

yossis.smart wrote on 11 Jun 2025 15:05:

Brother , I know exactly what you mean. 
Kills another piece of you every day.
redfaced wrote on 22 May 2025 16:09:

Day 2 no news! bh. 

This was a really hard day. so not easy to helplessly watch my wife deteriorating. I reached out to a friend to get the insanity of my situation of my chest - that was necessary and helpful. 

Word got out about my wife's situation and I'm feeling some love from a lot of concerned people.

yossis.smart wrote on 11 Jun 2025 15:05:

If you love someone, sometimes you have to let them make mistakes.

Other times, you have to forcibly hold them back from making mistakes. 

Hard to know when to do what, but talking to someone wise and experienced may help.