I had an urge last night, with a sexual fantasy to it.
I thought to myself, what do I really want to think about now? What do I need from my mind? Is it relaxation, perhaps I'm craving a hormone? Is my deepest wish to think sextual fantasies or something else? Let me give that deepest wish to myself right now. It is pleasure and connection (just being honest, not mixing in Yiddishkeit here, even though really the connection and pleasure that I really crave the underlying need of connection and pleasure of my neshama, but I'm not going there now).
It then went away.

Checking in. 
No falls since I started this thread.
But I struggling very much to get out of my shell.
It's painful.
I'm short on time, maybe I'll write some more about this another time.

Just saying hi.
I went to the airport today, and by the way people dressed למחצה לשליש ולרביע (half third and quarter, it's a gemara term) were encountered.
I could have taken a car instead of a train and minimized the exposure, but it was rush hour and a car was inconvenient.
Maybe according to halacha what I did was fine, (is it considered איכא דרכה אחרינא?), but what does it show about how much I CARE?

What does the chevra think?

There is a car with lewd artwork parked by the street that I used to take to work. Now I drive an extra mile around.
Sometimes the freeway billboard is not good either, so I don't look, but I don't take an alternate route. This would be more inconvenient.

I think you are allowed to do 'normal' things and it really depends on you. Are you triggered by the train? Do you look forward to it, or keep it in your mind? Some people might need to take the extra geder more seriously. Some might be able to lower their head and push through the short challenge. 

Do I not care because I leave shul through a crowd of wives and daughters that came all dressed up for Yom Tov, when I could stay and learn for 20 minutes until they all stop schmoozing and leave (ok, maybe 45)? If I'm going to end up at home CV fantasizing and zera levatala, then maybe I should stay in shul. I should definitely not linger. I can focus on the horizon and quickly pass through like a (mostly) normal looking (no, not that looking, the perceived looking) person. 

It bothers you, so you obviously care. Whether it's recommended for you is up to you to know. What is 'normal' for you in your life might require Rabbinic guidance to sort out.

Hatzlacha, and keep on caring!

i think the answer to if you really care lies in the answer tp the following question: what is the REAL reason you took the train, because its shorter or... but either way your amazing for where your holding and keep it up.

Checking in,
the train ride came to haunt me last night, but managed it by filling my needs with something else, by feeling my masculine strength and urge surfing. 
There are urges, but I think what do I want to do, if I'm making a decision on what action to make, what is it?

I have urges, but I'm going to experience them with calmness, they are fine, I can rechannel them.
The anxiety that I must overcome the urge is actually what makes me feel that it is not overcome-able (i that a word?), and the thoughts and urge lingers to make me fall.
 But now by being calm about it they just pass (with just a bit of effort).
Does anyone have a similar experience?

m111 wrote on 28 Jul 2024 11:21:

Yes. I think for many there it is unhelpful to overfocus on urges and unwaned thoughts.
"Don't do it" playing on repeat in your head is a sure way to keep that thing in your head. Having a way to move on helps to . . . well . . . help you move on .
Hatzlacha

To be open.
I had a fall.
More accurately, a relapse.
I find myself with the same behavior that I moved away from over the past 2 years.
A mind-numbing urge to waste time and energy for trash, and following through with it, even though my time is precious.
What am I going to do about it? I'm hopefully going to meet someone tomorrow who will give insight if this is a case of addiction.
On another note, it's time to make my relationship with Hashem one of Him being everything. Perhaps that is what I'm missing.

Too late to this thread...

I just read through your previous and current threads.
Please excuse me if I missed this in a previous post.

Have you ever been in touch with HHM - Hashem Help Me - the mentor-in-chief of GYE?
He has helped hundreds break free, present company included.

Have you ever been in touch with any of the wonderful people from this site?
(I personally have made some very close friends through this site...)
As has been said connection is the opposite of addiction, and that has been tremendously helpful for me.

Either way...
KOMT!

Yes to all.
Connecting to others has helped me do all the improvement that I've done until now. 
Following your suggestion, I can reconnect to HHM (I been in touch with him only in the biggening of my journey in GYE). I wonder what he will say.

M111, it hurts me to see your pain in this challenge and struggle. I feel like we never had the opportunity to fully connect. I’d love to rekindle our conversation and share what I’ve learned I’ve the last few months. But more importantly, I’d love to listen and hear what’s going on with you and what you’ve learned through these struggles.

Here’s a hug and a shoulder to lean on, we just may be able to breakaway from this painful challenge, together.

Lets reconnect,
with brotherly love,
Muttel

Muttel wrote on 07 Aug 2024 08:24:

Thank you for reaching out.

Today I'm in a better state then yesterday, but still not "out of the woods".
I'm trying to really have Hashem as a real, and I mean absolutely real, meaning as real as it gets, to the point He affects my emotions.

m111 wrote on 08 Aug 2024 19:29:

Dear m111,
I love the way you are working on "Inner Change", on making Hashem a real reality.
However, masturbating is real pleasure. Watching porn is real pleasure. Hashem is only "as real as it gets"... as you so profoundly wrote. 
So who do you think will ultimately win?
As the Gemara says Brachos 28b:
אמרו לו: רבינו, ברכנו. אמר להם: יהי רצון שתהא מורא שמים עליכם כמורא בשר ודם. אמרו לו תלמידיו: עד כאן? - אמר להם: ולואי. תדעו, כשאדם עובר עבירה אומר: שלא יראני אדם
So yes of course it's great to make Hashem more of a real thing but if one is still falling again and again then perhaps accountability to a real person is a better option... or both, יראת שמים together with accountability...
You know what works best for you though... I'm just thinking loud...

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Keep strong,
UpAndDown