Hey everyone,

I'm currently at a Chabad retreat for 40 days. This is my chance to learn about Orthodox Judaism and try out the lifestyle to see if it’s how I want to live. Sure, it’s indoctrination, but that’s not always a bad thing, right?

For five days, I didn’t masturbate. I was too tired, didn’t have any privacy, and felt very weak urges. But last night, I caved. My roommate was deep asleep, and I was hungry. I thought beating off might kill the hunger pain. Spoiler alert: it didn't work. When I finished, I felt nothing—no tingling sensation; it just felt like going to the bathroom. This morning, I got urges again but reminded myself that I'm better than that.

Recently I told a girl I loved her but due to various reasons it wouldn't work out. But I masturgated to a conversation we had that ended in a romantic situation that never happened. I was very pleasurable but also futile. I objectified her in a way. 

What’s funny is that I understand why Orthodox guys get married young. It's better to make love to your wife than to your hand or to objectify another woman. Makes sense, right?

The tricky part is I’m at a very secular, hedonistic school. Everyone is having sex, and it’s tough not to think about it. The Jewish community here is tiny. Most Jews are Reform and have no interest in Chabad due to its conservative and “restrictive” ideas.

If I do get married, how do I finance it? I’m supposed to make money, and I probably wouldn’t be able to have kids until after college. Plus, where would we live?

I think this habit comes from a yearning for someone else. I love kids and would love to have my own someday. But hey, I’m figuring it out.

Any advice or thoughts?

These questions sound like a great opportunity to discuss with the Chabad rabbis at the retreat.  I think you will find them open minded and willing to discuss these questions. 

lionfree wrote on 24 Jun 2024 00:29:

A lot of important and deep questions you're raising. I bolded one line that I found very inspirational, thank you.

I'm just going to push back and clarify the quoted part above. Orthodox guys don't get married young because they need an outlet and God would prefer you have sex with your wife instead of with your hand. That's a very destructive thought.

Orthodox guys (and gals) get married young because Judaism teaches that a man and his wife are two halves of a whole. Marriage is a precious completion of two incomplete people. We get married young because we don't want to be unmarried any longer than we have to.
Loving sex in a marriage is a completion of that unification, and a completely different world than sex with your hand. (That's not to say "outlet" style sex can't and doesn't happen. But that's not the point of marriage by any means.)

The actual realization of this ideal involves a whole lot of hard work. 

Enjoy the retreat!