chosemyshem wrote on 04 Mar 2025 16:32:

Oh my gosh. That is so powerful, it hits me with the full force of reality. Every single word is so accurate and true. For me this isn't just some overreaction from 'someone's' wife.  It's precisely what I put my wife through with my actions. I know because she's described it to me exactly as it's written here. That confusion, the deep shock, the anxiety, the 'pit in the stomach every morning'. The betrayal of the man she felt so deeply connected to having constantly lied to her face. And worst of all, that loss of trust in everyone and everything.
But what's even harder for me to face is the way this so precisely describes my sick attitudes. I know I still suffer from that inability to face the full weight of what I have done. I don't fully get the extent to which she is suffering because of me, I'm still too self absorbed to truly feel her pain. I still resort to sneaky secrecy, half-truths, excuses and damage control, and every time I do that I'm still pushing her away. Love isn't about words and presents. As long as I'm lacking honesty, to myself and to her, those are just cover ups.
Every time I crept into her room to make sure she was asleep before I could lose myself into the world of my fantasies, I was actively ruining people and relationships. Did I mean to? Hell no! I was too lost in my world to see what I was doing. But intention doesn't erase impact. The damage is all too real.
And through all this, the patience and empathy she has shown me would have been enough for a lifetime under normal circumstances.

Thank you Shem for sharing this. It's precious.

Checking in on this gloomy Wednesday.

Yesterday's porn fall really threw me off. Didn't realize it at the time, when I was just focusing on the positive of managing to end the fall, but it did mess with me a little. Got home and was just really angry with my wife and kids. Which made me feel (more) guilty which made me more mad. So it goes.

Ended up staying up late reading a (clean but inane) webnovel to "relax". So now I'm tired.

Been clean today, but definitely feeling some urges, and a lot of grumpiness.
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I'm making some progress with the job hunt. Pardon me while I unload about something on my mind.

On the one hand, I've left every previous job in my short career at least partially out of guilt that I was underperforming due to my incessant porn abuse at the office. I don't feel like that here. Yes, I am not working as well as I could be and that's very bad. But I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing, so not the same type of guilt. And that's good. I think I'm making the right hishtadlus by moving on, and bez"h Hashem will lead me on to greener grass on the other side.
On the other hand. I'm worried that perhaps if I was not busy with p&p (porn and procrastination) I would've been able to make this job work better. And perhaps I self-sabotaged a unique opportunity. 

On the third hand, I'm terrified that I'm gonna screw up any new job with my out of control porn use and procrastination. And I worry I'm on a path of endless job hopping, just hoping that a new job will magically solve my p&p problem.

Oy.

If I was counting, I'd be two-ish weeks clean from masturbation.

I'm very grateful that I was saved from going on a binge after my last fall.

Excited to work towards Pesach and complete freedom from this pit.
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Unrelated, but I had a hergesh in this week's haftorah.
This week's haftorah is perhaps the saddest incident in Tanach. The seforim say that there were 3 times evil could have been eradicated and wasn't. The sin of Adam, the sin of the Golden Calf, and Shaul's failure to destory Amalek. (If anyone knows the source for that please lmk.) I think Shaul's failure is the saddest.

Pay attention this week to the words. Shaul, the greatest and most humble man among a nation of spiritual giants, was anointed as king and commanded to wipe out Amalek. Chazal testify Shaul was pure from sin like a one year old baby. This great man goes to fulfill the command of Hashem, and succeeds! He eradicated the deep spiritual source of evil in the world, finishing the job Yehoshua left over and paving the way for a complete and final manifestation of Hashem's kingship.

He comes to meet Shmuel, and you can only imagine the simcha shel mitzva that Shaul must have been feeling. The dveikus and pure, elevated simcha that must have overflowed from Shaul. He meets Shmuel and joyfully proclaims, "Blessed be thou of the Lord: I have performed the commandment of the Lord." 

Can you imagine the scene? The majestic beauty of the greatest of the Jews telling the prophet of Hashem that he has completely fulfilled Hashem's will?

And in a second it's gone. Shmuel's devastating reply comes: You haven't fulfilled Hashem's words! All you've done is disgusted Hashem's words. And now Hashem is disgusted with you, and has torn your kingdom away."

From the highest heights all the down. And (unlike the eigel) Shaul had totally missed the boat. He thought he had fulfilled the mitzva in the most optimal way. He continued debating with Shmuel because, as the massive talmid chacham and tzadik that he was, he thought he had done the mitzva perfectly. "Vayarev banachal." He learnt the torah of Hashem's commandment and applied that l'halacha. But was wrong.

What a tragedy.  

So that's point one. "Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams." Forget about the times when we do what we know is wrong, but we do it anyway. It's so terrifyingly easy to convince ourselves that what we are doing is exactly the right thing. It's a mitzva for me to . . . . WRONG! Stop inserting your own cheshbonos and just. do. what. Hashem. wants.

That's the scary thought in the haftorah. Here's a more comforting thought.

The pirkei d'rabbi eliezer darshans a reference to the purim story in this incident. And the pdr"e learns that when Shmuel told Agag, "כֵּן־תִּשְׁכַּ֥ל מִנָּשִׁ֖ים אִמֶּ֑ךָ" he didn't say "Your mother will be childless among women." He said, "Your mother will be made childless by women." 

What women? This was referring to the destruction of Amalek by Esther. How did Esther kill Amalek? In what way did she contribute so the whole victory should be attributed to her and not to Mordechai or the people who fought in the battles? The commentaries explain this is referring to the tefillos of Esther and her maidservants. 

What a lesson about the power of tefillah. It's not what you do, who you know, or anything else that brings success. It's  tefillah.

A few Kapittlach, and not just for the job, friend.

I believe in you.

Here's a warm hand,

Chaim

Checking in.

Almost no work today. B"h I'm energized with this 40 day challenge. I have clearly demarcated what I'm not going to be doing to fill time, and am working on some productive alternatives.

Here's an interesting thing, and it's not the first time I've noticed this during this journey. When I'm busy burying myself in the mud, I'm so filled with shame and guilt that I'm not able to stick up for myself even when I should.

Today, I am going to send a firm email about the workflow. If I was busy with distracting myself online, forget about with porn, I'd be so guilty about not doing my part that I wouldn't be able to take a stand about the rest. Today I did my part and feel able to make a fuss about other people not fulfilling their responsibilities. 

Anyway. That's the positives. The negatives are still here, don't worry. 

Sunday was rough. I got so frustrated with my kids it was terrible. Just a vicious circle of impatience. I tangibly felt the need to escape, preferably to porn but to anything. I didn't have the presence of mind to do much about that feeling, but b"h Hashem saved me from the opportunity to indulge that urge. 

I wonder which came first. The irritation or the urge?

Shmiras einayim has been tough too. It's not a new thing, I've just been very much ignoring it for the past few weeks. Now that I'm feeling a little more motivated, I'm noticing how much I'm swiveling around following every woman I see. 

Whined enough and got more work today. Of course with "urgent" (a.k.a. fake) deadlines.

So it goes.

Today was pretty good. Small slip when I somehow convinced myself I needed to check sheitel prices online (don't ask.) But twas only a small one and I'm back up and running. 

Been under the weather, burnt out at work, and keep fighting with my kids. But b"h I'm clean today and I'm very grateful for that.