chosemyshem wrote on 15 Jan 2025 21:16:

Usually, if I push submit and the post disappears, pushing “Back” on the browser makes it come back. Try it next time. 

I feel bad to miss the gory details but really happy about your win! 

You’re the Non-poke Dude! And you Abide! 

chaimoigen wrote on 15 Jan 2025 21:53:

Loved that movie. Don't actually remember much about it, but I like the idea of being a fat man who drinks alot and doesn't care about much.

chosemyshem wrote on 16 Jan 2025 15:07:

Just mentioning that today I’m deeply regretful and sad that I watched it because it has significant inappropriate content. And I am taking this opportunity today to thank the Rebono shel Olam, come sure through his kindness  I am today a completely different person than I was when I watched if, and I would never want to go back there. 

It doesn’t mean that there aren’t incredibly enjoyable aspects of watching such movies (not the inappropriate stuff) that I no longer have and sometimes miss, since I have given the stuff up. (I don’t have the chance to enjoy seeing something and even gain insight, for example, about the whimsical truth that being a fat, unemployed, foul-mouthed, nice Zschlubb like Jeff Lebowsky can be more genuine than all the phony people he encounters in his weird adventures).  It’s a price I’m glad to pay for the privilege of being a guy I like a lot better !

איש החפץ בחיים

Checking in. 

Filter poked a little and ended up watching some porn. Didn't masturbate though. I feel like that's more than a partial win. I have a very hard time with stopping once I start. Maybe it's a perfectionist type mindset, but I get hit hard by that feeling of "oh, might as well just finish and start over fresh." 

Historically, being over to overcome that feeling has come with continued success. So I think it's a good thing, though obviously I wish I hadn't gone down that road at all.

Gonna try to continue exercise. It's not unhelpful I guess. Planning on doing the F2F "Hierarchy of Values" tool too as Vaad homework.

I wanna pass on an idea the great HopefulPosek mentioned to me. The F2F has some really great and helpful tools and ideas in it. Perhaps not sufficiently helpful, but helpful nonetheless. A great way to maximize the benefit is to go through it with a chavrusa. Talk over the ideas, work through the lessons, get honest with each other. 

I think that's an awesome idea.

Sounds way to familiar to me. Crazy Gadlus that you were able to fight it!

Checking in to be yotzei.

Little more filter poking today. Doing okay. Looking forward to a restful shabbos.

Checking in.

Had a restful shabbos. Can't say I've picked myself off the floor yet, but I feel like I remember where the stairs are now. Had a nice moment Friday afternoon driving by a woman jogging. Wanted to look, thought to myself "you already saw worse today filter poking - might as well enjoy a glance." B"h was able to overcome, and not just white-knuckle through but really connect to a little bit of spiritual pleasure of not giving in this time.

Very helpful Desparado's call today. Sparked some thinking I'll jot down on the page to think out loud.

I have a very real problem. There's no way around that.

There are solutions, and I've experienced them working. Honestly, I'm not sure if the solutions I have now are strong enough but all I can do is whatever I can do. There's no excuse to not prioritize fixing this problem and doing everything I can to solve it.

I've let certain helpful things I've been doing slip away, and since this last fall I really haven't been putting in the work. Been feeling down, despairing, wanting to chap the full experience of the fall. A whole lot of reasons. But that's no excuse. The problem ain't gonna fix itself.

Unrelated interesting idea. I ran across a Pirkei D'Rabbi Eliezer (Ch. 43) that says:


I hate to say it, but this fully aligns with what I've believed for years but never articulated. I believe I will not change until G-d beats the garbage out of me to wake me up. I'm just waiting for the day when g-d "realizes" how terribly I've repaid the kindnesses he's done for me and yanks it all away.

If I may take the liberty of Freud-ing myself, I think a large part of this feeling is related to my struggles with lust. I have not been able to change in this area even though I so badly wanted to, so I assume it's because I won't change until something evil happens. It's not just because of lust - my avodas Hashem in general is incredibly far from where it needs to be. But that is the shpitz thing in my life that I think is the worse aveirah and I have not corrected it. So I assume I can't change, and instead of assuming the problem is too tough or I'm trying the wrong thing, I assume I'm so dense I need a drastic wake up call to start caring.
But part of the feeling is no doubt a trick of the YH to allow me to continue. "Well, as long as Hashem is showering you with all this good you must not be so terrible and can keep on going. You'll know when G-d wants you to change because you'll see the lightning bolts." This is obviously garbage.

Comes along the V'loh Od Eleh and says you're reading this all wrong. It's not that Jews will only repent because of these terrible things. It's that a Jew even in the worst of times will not get lost in his tzarah and will recognize the opportunity to do teshuva. Kal v'chomer when times are good and he has presence of mind he'll certainly do a better teshuva.I thought this was very beautiful. Maybe there's hope for us after all.

I hope I'm starting to believe that maybe I can change. And while I certainly don't deserve the kindnesses I've been given, perhaps I do care about coming close to Hashem without needing to lose everything to realize that he's giving it to me. Maybe.

Checking in.

One week clean from masturbation. Less than that from porn, but can't have everything, you know.

One thing I was doing well during my recent clean streak was avoiding recreational internet use - particularly surfing the internet aimlessly to kill time during work. That is obviously not a helpful hobby for this struggle. 

Totally lost that control of that though, and would like very much to get it back.

Other than that, b"h a nice clean day.

Checking in.

Still clean. Doing okay. Been pretty consistent about exercise.

Got a new chavrusa for a seder that was struggling and that's been helpful. It's interesting how general productivity/functionality makes the struggle easier. Now, if only I could get my act together with work I'd be in a great place.

Checkin' in'.

B"h all is good. Got annoyed with my wife last night and wonders of wonders it didn't have to escalate into acting out. Perhaps I shouldn't have gotten annoyed (since what annoyed me was that she didn't instantly jump into bed when I thought about being together). But one step at a time.

Really would like to improve on focusing at work while I'm at work. Would be so helpful for this struggle.

Anyway. B"h clean since a week from Monday from masturbation. I'm bad at math but that feels like a decent amount of time. About a week clean from porn too. My head feels like it's getting clearer.

Gotta remember that now is the time to start putting in the work, not the time to feel confident and stop trying.

Checking in to be yotzei. 

Nothing to report. 

Have a shabbos!

Edit: That's not totally true. Today was a lousy and unproductive day. I'm very grateful that I didn't need to turn to porn to make myself feel better.

Checking in to keep to it.

All good. Nothing to report.

Checking in. Still clean and going strong.

Yesterday and today I renewed a tapshich style knas for recreational internet use at work at that's been very helpful for productivity. 

Had an interesting incident today. My Rav called me. I opened up to him previously about my struggle (details are upthread) but we haven't spoken much about it since then. Today he called about a bochur he's been helping with some accountability, who's been struggling. He called to get my view on if the guy needs to escalate. I told him my two centsBut it was so interesting to me that I can use all this garbage I've gone through to help someone out. Now, of course I've spoken to guys before. But that was b'toras one chaver lending an ear to another chaver. This was advice giving, which is a different creature. Was interesting.

Anyway, here's the interesting part. I'm very serious about what I wrote in this post. I want to stop lying. 

Now my wife sometimes reads my texts. Not in a snoopy way, but to see the hock on family chats she's not on, etc. (It's definitely also a little bit snooping. Oh well.)

So I was debating whether or not to debate the texts with my Rav. I ended up deleting them. I'm not ready to open up this kettle of worms. However, I did not delete the texts from my female colleague who likes to use copious emojis and jokes. Those texts are 100% kosher, there's nothing I can do to stop her, and I don't respond in kind. But very occasionally I delete things she says just so (read this in a very yeshivish, whiny, self-justifying voice) I don't potentially have to deal with my wife thinking the wrong thing  etc. etc. etc.

I'm done with that. No more protective lies. No lies for convenience. No lies to have lies ready to go for when I want to act out. Cold, hard emes.

Very difficult to maintain. I've broken many a Kabbalah not to delete my browsing history from public computers, even things that weren't straight up אסור, but it didn't last. Curious to see how long it's gonna last. You have my best wishes, Good luck! Sigh. It's not easy being a Kotzker.

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