Thanks!
Spent a while relaxing on GYE and doing a bunch of posting, it feels good to be back in the community feeling better now, but I realize tomorrow may be stressful, not to mention exhausted, so I will IYH check back in then or friday.

9 Months (hebrew) clean today and 250 days, so it's a double milestone. 9 months reminded me of pregnancy, nine months from conception the baby is born and I think it's a reasonable mashal. The first day if sobriety is when you start on the journey to being born again, it takes a long time of growth and adjustment before you are a new person. (it sounded better in my head this morning)
The journey isn't over yet, but their are pleasant shores on the horizon.
Thank you to hashem for helping me get here. Thank you to GYE. and thank you to all the amazing friends I am beginning to connect with.

Eyes were drifting in the supermarket this afternoon. I was tired and a bit annoyed with the rebbetzin. But I would like to work on not turning to lust even when tired and annoyed, but don't want to shoot too high
I have been working on being ok with myself even if I see a lady in the street and find her attractive, as long as I'm not taking in lust and "devouring her with my eyes" I am a good healthy person. Not sure exactly where the line is but I think it's somewhere in between "Oh, she looks like an attractive women" and asking her for sex, somewhere in that area
Joined the vaad today, thirsting for more connection, if any of the guys from the tues vaad are reading this give me a shout out on the comments, I hope we can get to know each other better and support one another as the vaad continues.

Oh I really relate to that feeling of "devouring her with my eyes" and the line between that and asking her for s*x.

I'll be honest I just recently bought myself a tally counter, I didn't do so up until now because I was scared that being busy counting "the women I didn't look at" will make me obsess over them which will be counterproductive, but now I feel safe enough to have one with me, so every time I'm walking in the streets or going to the grocery etc. I have my hand ready at my pocket to click the button, I don't count the women at all, just when passing someone that for what ever reason triggers me to want to take that 2nd look, I just wait it out then with a smile click the count button.

I find that this helps me immensely because, 1 I have a great drive not to take that look, 2 because at the end of the day when I check to see my counts, it fills me with pleasure and gives me the thrill to stand strong the next day when being in such a situation, so I'm focusing on the positivity, vs the fear of the "Slip" aka negative.

Keep it up and keep us posted.
With love Akiva. 

I feel like its time for an update,
Life has been very stressful (read: chaotic) and I feel like I'm unable to manage the workload that Hashem has handed me. It's a never ending cycle of: Make a list, prioritize, do tasks, watch as things fall by the wayside and suck up the consequences, add more to the list prioritize, etc.
On top of that, we recently got internet at home and I have been wanting to watch a movie in order to escape/relax for a few months already, so I seized the opportunity and watched a few films, went to sleep late and had a bad day following. But it was relaxing, but its not a lifestyle that I want for myself (or my family).
So, right now things are pretty rough, trying to weather the storm and hope things calm down soon. Started really filling out to 3 circles and feeling positive about that. Also going strong with the vaad, but I feel bad leaving seder early to go, but I think its the right thing to do just getting hate vibes from my chavrusah, so not sure what to feel.
But still clean from P and M

hopefulposek wrote on 01 Jan 2025 18:45:

Feeling for you, brother!
Your post got me thinking a bit especially the bolded words...
Are these two things the same?
Are they supposed to be done the same way?
(Is escape ever a good idea? I'm not convinced...)

i thuoght escaping can help in the way sobering up can help overcome addiction, it releives your mind of the stress in order to allow you to think clearly about handling stress. Sorry short on time, more to follow.

I read (and heard) that in AA they encourage new members to go to 90 meetings in 90 days, I think there should be a similar encouragement here,. Once someone is comfortable posting, and especially having their own thread, they should try to post 90 posts in 90 days (meaning 1 a day) (excluding shabbos and yom tov). Whether these posts would be on their own thread or not is not the most important thing, just to be active and involved and connecting to others.
There could also be something about contacting a GYE friend everyday for 90 days, with volunteers putting up their contact info and someone just goes to that page or thread picks at random and calls/texts/emails/pm's whatever.
This could be a huge kickstart to forming a guys friend base which is very helpful for long term recovery.
Thoughts?

I want to share a powerful vort i heard erev shabbos: (my apologies if I quote the wrong peirush or misquote them): the rabbeinu Bechaiyeh says that the reason the mitzrim were happy when they saw yosefs brothers was that initially when yosef was appointed over them, they felt a shtickle disgrace being ruled by an eved. However the medrash says that pharoah had told his advisors (and presumably the rest of the population heard that yosef had malchus within him and wasn't really supposed to be an eved. Also this is after the years of abundance and 2 years of famine in which it became clear that yosef was the one who could lead them which would have implied that what pharoah said was true. Additionally the mitzrim should have readily accepted pharoahs assertion that yosef really wasn't a true eved since it would be good for them, they don't want to feel degraded.
And yet with every reason to think he's not a true eved, still since their initial perception of him was that of a lowly slave, it was not able to be entirely removed until they saw with their own eyes his family of high class.
Takewaway 1: Many of us came to GYE viewing ourselves as losers, disgusting, not worthy, alone and not able to have a meaningful place in the world. That perception was created over many years. It is not so easy to uproot it, just reading the B of the G once will not suffice, the kernels of negativity are still there under the surface. Do not become complacent, continue to be mechazeik yourself and challenge the false beliefs you started with.
Takeaway 2: the experience that finally helped them overcome the initial feeling was seeing with their own eyes the truth of what they had been told. Meeting people and actually seeing others who have been where you are and have made it through and are feeling good and happy is a powerful tool to combat the inner feelings of despair and sadness.

Great suggestion.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 05 Jan 2025 01:41:

I'm not sure which one you were referring to but just jumping in, I want to start a thread where anyone who is open to having people reach out to them and support others can post heir info (google voice, email, or just username for PMs). But.... Where do I start it? I feel like it should be under important threads, but not sure (maybe I'm just too self conscious of posting something labeled important while the voices in my head tell me nothing I do is important).
Any thoughts or suggestions?

On a separate note, I had a hard day today. stressful morning, didn't feel connected to the vaad, and then didn't go to afternoon seder because I had to deal with some stuff but spent a lot of time procrastinating, also the baby didn't sleep well last night and felt the need to inform us of that so I was very tired. At the end of the day(which really was in the middle of the day) I wanted to sit down and watch a movie to relax. But this is a habit I don't want to have, so instead I am going to drink beer and read harry potter (for the 40 billionth time)(the drinking and harry potter).
My biggest regret today is not reaching out to a gye friend when I was starting to feel down and out.
IY"H tomorrow will be a new day full of rainbows and unicorns and other happy stuff.

hopefulposek wrote on 08 Jan 2025 01:48:

Any and all consistent strategies. Posting daily, reaching out daily, etc.

Hashem Help Me wrote on 08 Jan 2025 01:57:

Thanks for clarifying

I think i need to go back to my no alcohol policy, i started with one beer by dinner then had another while reading. I don't remember what I was feeling but decided to watch a movie after all, found a basically clean one and enjoyed but ended up consuming a few more beers, by the end I was not thinking clearly and watched another movie (not as clean) and drank some more. Can't remember most of the night, woke up on the couch with a bad hangover, now I missed shachris, late to seder and feeling like garbage. Only one thing to do...
Make a call. Connect. realize sometimes I make mistakes, doesn't mean i'm trash. Learn from the mistake. Make the best of the situation. take care of myself.