Right. Marriage dosent actually solve the problem. No idea where people get that idea from.

Even a small step in the right direction is still a step in the right direction.

B"H things are going well, no crazy struggles just the usual day to day. Looking forward to purim and hopefully some purity beyond.
I have started to work on the mindset that people have different struggles. That's the way Hashem made it, people have different situations with varying sets of challenges. In my situation with the upbringing, which had nothing against watching movies and many of them inappropriate (not porn but it definitely paved the road) and my friends growing up all of whom were openly involved in P and M, and my exposure of having a smartphone and being hooked on porn for so long, it is very normal that I have a large struggle to break free. But... this doesn't mean that everyone around me went through the same upbringing, had the same group of friends, and had the same exposure. And for people who didn't it may be very normal for them not to have such a difficult time breaking away and not looking at women in the streets and not thinking about sex every five seconds.
And thats ok.
Because I am who Hashem made me, I was put in these situations by Hashem and He handcrafted my nisyonos for me.
Basically for myself all I need in normalizing the struggle is to know that I'm normal, even if most other people didn't go through my situation and therefore don't have the same sets of challenges that I do. This mindset makes it a lot easier to walk around yeshiva and accept that not every guy I talk to is addicted to pornography. Even if they were exposed to it before, it's very possible they had an easier time breaking out, or maybe they were never exposed to real porn *gasp* (Is that even possible ?!?).
I hope this is helpful for others who have found themselves in similar situations.
May Hashem continue to guide us across this minefield of a world in which He put us.

Hey! How's it going? How was your Purim?

Hi, Thanks for asking!
Purim was amazing had a great experience and a wonderful seudah with the fam.
But I did have a slip up...
Basically I met with a therapist to discuss various emotions and we ended up talking about my intimacy with my wife and the porn addiction. After the pre-purim session I came out being very frustrated feeling that I will never understand how to have proper intimacy and will always be under the thumb of lust. So purim night I came home very drunk, my wife was already fast asleep, and I decided to watch a very inappropriate movie. Didn't end up acting out, or pausing to focus on any parts, so I don't count it as a fall but it still was a slip.
I talked to the therapist about it and now I feel much better about intimacy and have new hope for the future.
But one thing which watching the movie triggered was a realization that I really enjoy watching movies, not just for the inappropriate content, but I enjoy the entertainment. But it's not something I want in my home or in my life. Is there some replacement entertainment or do I just have to be soveil not having entertainment for the rest of my life?

Read a book 

foolie wrote on 28 Mar 2024 18:17:

Bah Humbug.

foolie wrote on 28 Mar 2024 18:17:

Watch a book

I only watched 3 movies as a child and nothing since, so I might be naïve. Would socializing with friends or family fill in the gap of not watching movies? Would a learning partner through Torahmates do it? Would a hobby do it? I realize that these options aren't like movies but these are the things that are entertainment for people I know. Maybe you could find something else of interest that works for you.

Just found out that my intentionally watching a inappropriate movie constitutes a fall, so starting the count over.

hopefulposek wrote on 15 Apr 2024 20:16:

Would you have any reason not to consider it a fall?

hopefulposek wrote on 15 Apr 2024 20:16:

Restarting the count, but not the fight! Keep on trucking.
It's convenient you got eight days in to the new count before resetting the old - helps avoid that "oh I'm back at zero may as well fall again" feeling. 

redfaced wrote on 15 Apr 2024 20:33:

Not really, just that I was really drunk so sort of viewed that I wasn't in my regular state of mind, and it wasn't actually porn. I didn't think of it as a fall at the time, but that was probably because I couldn't walk straight so wasn't thinking straight. 
Oh well it's not about the how big the bumps are but how you keep on trucking after you go over them.

hopefulposek wrote on 16 Apr 2024 18:11:

drunkin porn,
good vibes!
its all about the future

cande wrote on 16 Apr 2024 18:45:

Seeing as many of those involved in porn production are drunk or drugged anyways, I don't know what the vibes are.

It's been a while since I posted anything, life has a way of getting hectic around the holiday season.
Basically things are good and great and difficult.
Not watching porn is good.
Started going to therapy to work through lots of childhood trauma and emotional abuse. started to see some progress but I'm coming to terms with the fact that therapy is not a quick fix, no bandaids on the heart. so this is good.
When I started therapy I feel like my desires got stronger and my emotions more out of wack. I think this is because until now I would shove away uncomfortable feelings but now I'm trying to feel them and not ignore them, so it causes more struggles. Also I started identifying as a lust addict which may be helpful in someways (by not giving an inch) but I think it contributes to feeling urges stronger.
Until next time, keep on marching forward across the plains and meadows of life, trying to not get knocked down by the storm blowing across.