You expressed your pain well. Your longing to just stop falling already. Keep it up, your gettting farther and farther along in the struggle. Your doing great!

Whats your plan to avoid the same trigger again?

Great attitude Farmer! Positivity will iyh be a major tool in you breaking free. Hatzlocha.

oish, אבינו שבשמים, help this holy farmer.
הזורעים בדמעה ברנה יקצורו.

8 days. not easy ones, but moving along.(●'◡'●)

farmer k. wrote on 31 Jan 2022 05:42:

Keep plowing on! 

fell starting over

hey bezH you’ll see lots of hatzlacha very soon! Here are some Points to think about…

1.make a system to keep your clarity going. The clearer we are why we don’t wanna view porn the easier it’ll be stay back. After all the more we don’t like something the easier it is to not touch it. (perhaps writing down every reason why you wanna stop porn and triggering material? and reminding yourself it each day for 10 min?)

2. learn to keep the triggers more distant from you… - the more we have it super close then even if you CLEARLY know why you dont wanna go there it can happen in a state of impulsivity..

3. making porn not an option always makes the fight so much easier! How about making a vow you’ll rip up 20$ within 24 hrs of viewing porn? This is just one of many ideas of making it not an option.

4. Often we take the lazy way! Realize, we need to stay away from porn on day 1,10,100,1000,10,000 if we want to be successful and that means a lot of work! We gotta prepare in advance for that and think about how you can do that with the top 3 things I listed. I personally DON’T believe that if you do only one of them - you’ll see long term success. It takes a strong analytical plan! Keep on going! And keep on looking back at what you can learn from! You got this! There are so many that succeeded! You can too!!

An example of reaching a clarity to not fall to porn.

(This isn’t aimed at any username to give them mussar that they need to grow and stop falling it’s just an example of what motivation can look like)

1. We will ALWAYS not wanna watch! We are always upset with our behavior! (Since it destroys our hearts and minds and our whole life) The question is when will we tap into it?! Now? Or… after we fall! When we feel like we wish we’re buried under the soil.
2. Once we understand that we’re gonna always be unhappy with our “watching of porn” we’re just giving in to the cycle that we’ll always wanna stop so why not just stop?
3. We truly feel horrible since we made an incredibly stupid decision, we feel sticky and uch! Like why why why! Why did my eyes have to see that!
4. We feel so full of guilt! Like how on earth did i do this?!? And if we’re on a good streak we’ll hear the words in our head I was doing sooooo well now I’m back here!
5. Sad- how did I ruin everything?! Now I’m back to square one.
6. Worthless- we feel our minds are like a toilet.. or better say - an overloaded sewer system! I’m not capable.
7. We feel angry- how many times are we gonna try!?! How many times do I have to see myself fail! How many day,  months and years!!
8. We’re overloaded with a whole bunch of extra tayvos now! A whole new video in our brain! The thoughts an cravings that come because of it are absolutely ridiculous!
9. We’re ruining a chance to have a clear mind
10. The way breaking free works is because this is very visual the more we stay away the more our brain forgets that high and what it looked like and everything like that! And by keep on falling we don’t allow that process to start!
11. We feel like a double standard! Putting on teffilin in the morning and yet doing the biggest aveiros later! It feels like a knife to our heart! We feel so fake! Our sincerity feels like a lie.
12. Ruining a chance to feel free! There’s no better feeling of realizing this parsha is behind me! The constant doubts are gone! The ones like “should I fall?! Should I not?!? But maybe! But it’s right here!” “I’ll just do teshuva right after!” “Oh one video will be enough!” “I’ll feel so much better.”
13. Ruining a chance to look back and realize how long you came! Trust me it’s yetzias mitzrayim! It’s a feeling of “wow I’m a real fighter I’ve been clean for so long”
14. Navigating lust to porn isn’t an option cuz we can’t have a happy frum marriage and home of kedusha and tranquility etc while having this horrible issue in the way! Which means for the - unmarried guys your only buying time by allowing your mind to turn there since we must gain full full control of this before a happy marriage starts and honestly a happy life starts! And for the married guys- your killing your wife and your killing this golden opportunity of a happy household. - We don’t live forever.
15. Porn also means for 99% of people automatically mz”l so it’s really killing a lot of birds with this dumb ugly stone.
16. Porn also ruins the chance for intimacy it’s trains the brain to love that sexual excitement and intensity which will only cause issues cuz sexual intensity never lives up to the hype and it will make one’s mind become completely distorted.

Don’t we wanna avoid all this damage!!??!??

If you wanna mess up your life - go fall. And I’ll see you agree with this in an hour from now… probably, even in 5 minutes from now. Actually if your married, maybe think about your poor wife and how much your making her suffer… and if she doesn’t know, The dynamics of your relationship is surely affected. And if your single have some rachmanus on your future wife so she can marry a clean strong individual!

If you wanna remain happy,

Realize this!! It’s true.. this doesn’t make you happy! Go do something instead of this fake stupidity and at least channel your lust to something better. Go get a good sandwich that you’ll actually not kill your life by doing.

I fell again. it was supposed to be better this time (I really set myself up well this time) whatever, will try to salvage whatever I can.

Every time you get up is another win. every minute that you hold yourself back is another win. The exercises that you do In order to avoid falling will eventually kick in and make it easier as time goes on.

(for me I try to read a few pages of the battle of the generation book each night. I feel like it was written directly for me! I also tried to listen to the Gye boost every morning.)

farmer k. wrote on 14 Feb 2022 01:05:

Keep it up! Just because it wasn't foolproof and it didn't work perfectly, doesn't mean it wasn't a good plan. Try it again - we can't expect perfection just improvement.

made it to day 7

I was just recently making a cheshbon if I'm winning or losing this battle by thinking about where I was holding last year. now the question is like this, I don't fall as often but some of my recent falls were much worse in terms of what I did when I fell curious if anyone had any insights on this?

Every time you fall and get up it's a win! The longer you fight the battle, the more experience you get and the more clear it becomes to you what you want at the end. So I think that even though the falls may be a little worse, it may be just that the test is harder cuz the yh knows that you have so much more to gain now that you're so far ahead of where you were in the past, when you were falling more often and not fighting the same way you are now. You're doin great keep goin strong!!

farmer k. wrote on 24 Feb 2022 03:54:

i'd leave it to others to let you know how the heavenly angels are clapping and cheering and jumping for joy everytime you hold back, and i might even believe that, so that's good, but ...... (sorry), if these behaviors and your thoughts and your life are still preoccupied with this stuff - that means you need to do something more to stem the tide - a real step. [when brady or mahomes or montana or rodgers (may he be damned!) are down 19-7 at the half, but they have a pretty good idea how to exploit the other team's holes and deficiencies and they plan accordingly, are they winning or losing at the half? (wow! i like that mashal.)]

practicing with pads at the linkbelt oval stadium in aiwo, nauru; sadly, the surface is phosphate dust and dirt, not grass, but thank god, for today at least, the practice squad is split evenly between the genders, so i'm staying close to the opposition - like glue (hopefully super glue).

farmer k. wrote on 24 Jan 2022 04:45:

I can so relate to the years that I had felt that way.