10 days clean bH
Camp has been very busy, especially coming into shabbos

Your determination keeps amazing me.... and probably many others too....

12 days clean bH
Been feeling alone over the last few days. I haven't found my footing yet after coming back from yeshiva 

Change in life can be hard to adapt to, and make someone vulnerable to falling.

My advice is to set yourself a routine...wake up same time, plan a structure to the day of davening, study exercise, cleaning/cooking, relaxation etc.

Just masturbated to pornI had some taiva last night, but I didn't act on it, and then this morning it was still there, in my mind during davening. 
I Would like to reread that book I posted a few posts ago and work on implementing it

Unfortunately I acted out again this morning

I've acted out a few times over the last few days. It's discouraging not being able to get a few days together, it feels like I'm back at the inevitable square one. It's hard staying motivated when progress seems so slow, if there's even any at all. 2 years on the site and still never made it to 90 days. I don't really know what keeps me checking the recent posts or staying in touch with partners. I know there's no easy fix, but after 2 years since I joined the site, I want to try have something to show for it this RH and YK

I don't know what my goal at the moment needs to be, never again is the easy answer, but unattainable, and means acting out once will break my spirit. I'll have to try think of something reasonable
Still working on rereading the easy peasy book and implementing it

Looking_to_improve wrote on 15 Aug 2021 20:48:

GD doesn’t look at streaks. GD looks at YOU. And YOU are the product of your struggles, your ups and your downs, successes and failures. You are not defined by a streak.
The chevra here makes a big deal about streaks, and there lmaaseh is something to it. But streaks are for US, what HaShem looks at is the אדם, and where the particular individual is holding.

You are a tremendous Ben Torah and an Eved HaShem.
You’ve been nichshal. Ok, nu!
Now make a small goal and do it. אדם is not infallible, it is our nature to fall.

HaShem sees everything. He is יודע תעלומות and is בוחן כליות ולב, GD doesn’t get bogged down by a streak number on an anonymous forum. GD sees YOU.
ALL of YOU.

Keep shteiging buddy!

YeshivaGuy

Looking_to_improve wrote on 15 Aug 2021 20:48:

Try have something?!!!! r u crazy????
​Do you not realize that your perseverance has been the source of chizuk for so many of us here!! 
​Do you not realize that the biggest gift you have to show HKBH is that youv'e been here honestly posting for two whole years?
Do you not realise that the biggest gift to HKBH is that you don't stop fighting?

​You are amazing, i'm jealous of what you have to offer on RH & YK, If only I had that to offer when I was a Bochur..... 

Thank you for the chizuk Excellence and Yeshivaguy
What I don't really get is what does Hashem see when he's looking at me? If where I'm holding isn't defined by how often I'm acting out, then what does define me?

Dear LTI
recently I had a conversation with my wife and she mentioned to me about "men that have an issue with shmiras Einayim." I told her there is not one man today that has an issue with shmiras einayim, it is a global issue. This is an issue with our generation. Its starts from our rebbe and roshei kollel down to a lowly me.
When Hashem looks down at you, He is saying to you LTI, please stay strong and if G-D forbid you fall I am going to help you back up. G-D is saying I am here for you. You will prevail this.
You are not going to burn in hell for what you are doing. We are in it together. 
LTI stay strong and dont look down on yourself for a split second. You are worrier and you will win, you will see.

K'siva v'chasima tova.
May you have an awesome year ahead.

Eyes

Looking_to_improve wrote on 16 Aug 2021 15:56:

You are not your actions.
Your actions affect you. 
GD looks at YOU. 
Now, what are You? Good question

You are affected by your choices. So choosing to “act out” does indeed affect you.
However, that is not YOU. An אדם is much more than his actions. You are an elevated entity crowned with צלם אלוקים.

Hashem looks at You. Part of that is your actions. Part of that is your רצונות etc.
Don’t get me wrong, choosing to do bad affects you negatively. But there is so much more to you than that. For instance, you learn Torah which is m’kayim the briya and makes your גוף a makom of hashroas Hashchena. You put on Tefillin, and when you say וארשתיך לי״” you are, כביכול, donning your wedding ring between you and HaShem. You keep Shabbos, testifying to your Emuna that HaShem created the world. And on and on….

Here’s my point.
First of all, You are בעצם a דבר שבקדושה. You are good.
Actions we do either polishes the “gem” or tarnishes it. But regardless, You are inherently a Gem.
GD judges us based on how well we have taken care of the “Gem.” 
Seacond of all, though bad choices we make affect us, SO DO GOOD CHOICES! 
And Baruch HaShem you make many many good choices daily.

Obviously, this doesn’t mean not to do teshuva. What it does mean though, is to view Yourself more positively, accept the fact that man is NOT GD. Man is imperfect. And try your best simply to do better where you can.

Let me know if I wasn’t clear enough, or confusing etc. and if you want maareh mekomos to look at.

With love,

 YeshivaGuy

Looking_to_improve wrote on 16 Aug 2021 15:56:

The true answer to what are the extents of our achievments we will only really know after 120.
our duty is not to be discouraged by falls. To accept ourselves and that Hashem unconditionally loves us exactly the way we are.
​The fact that you keep battling gives Hashem a tremendous Nachas Ruach. and this could be preparing you for the tremendous potential that's inside you.  
We all know the famous story of the Netziv which teaches us that we have no idea what Hashem has in store for us if we keep at it, exactly like your doing.

The Netziv, Rabbi Naftali Tzvi Yehuda Berlin, lived in Lithuania a few hundred years ago. He was the most famous rabbi of his generation, and it's said that in the 40 years he headed the yeshiva in the town of Voluzhin, some 10,000 students studied there. The Netziv wrote commentaries on all parts of the Torah, and once when he'd published a particularly difficult work, called "HaEmek Shayla," he called together his friends for a special celebration, where he told them the following story:

"When I was a child, I never paid attention in school. I was lazy and did not want to concentrate. Then one day when I was 11 years old, I came home from school and heard my parents talking. My father was explaining how he'd spoken to my teacher and together they'd concluded that I'd never amount to anything in terms of scholarship. So, my father explained, he was arranging to enroll me as an apprentice shoemaker as soon as I became Bar Mitzvah.

"I was so shocked by this conversation that I ran to my parents and exclaimed: 'I'm sorry I've been so negligent with my studies. Please give me one more chance to prove that I'm a good student.' And from that day onward, I applied myself to the study of Torah with tremendous vigor and dedication. Since then I have not wasted a moment and it is that devotion which has enabled me to write the commentary which we are celebrating today."

Then the Netziv continued: "But just imagine what would have happened had I not overheard my parents' conversation. I'd probably have ended up as a shoemaker. And I'd have been a pretty good shoemaker besides! But think of what would have happened at the end of my life when I'd get up to the Heavenly Court and they'd ask me: 'Naftali, show us what you've done with your life.' And I'd proudly show them my beautiful shoes: the fine workmanship, the quality leather and the exquisite design.

"And then they'd ask me: 'But Naftali, where are all the books you were to publish? Where are your 10,000 students?'"

The Netziv continued: "And what would I possibly respond??"

(Of course there is nothing wrong with being a good shoemaker. But in this case the Netziv had a different set of skills that made him fitting for great scholarship.)

Every human being was created with a unique set of skills and talents - and a unique set of life circumstances. The Almighty created each of us with a special role to fulfill, a special problem to fix, a spiritual greatness to achieve. The task of life is to figure out what is our specific unique purpose in life - and then embark on a path to achieve that purpose.

   "ולכן נצטווינו לזכור בכל יום יציאת מצרים ואין המכוון על הזכרה בפה בלבד אלא שיהיה דבר זה נקבע בעומק לב כל ישראל שבאם חס ושלום יהיה משוקע באיזה תאווה וסיאוב רחמנא לצלן ולא יוכל לשית עצה בנפשו אל יתייאש עצמו רק שיאמין ויצפה להשם יתברך שיוצאו מהסגרו כי יתחזק לבבו שאננו משוקע ממה שהיו אז ישראל משוקעים במ"ט שערי טומאה והשם יתברך הוציאם משם בלי אתרעותא דלתתא כן גם לי יעזור השם יתברך ולזה נצטווינו לזכור יציאת מצרים" [פרי צדיק פסח אות כד]

·         "ויאמר המלט על נפשך אל תביט אחריך..... ההרה המלט פן תספה- הרמז לכל אדם שאומרים לו תמיד המלט על נפשך מיצה"ר ובאיזה מצב שרק נמצא אל תביט אחריך על העבר שלא היה טוב שיצה"ר רוצה בזה לייאש את האדם ואל תעמוד שלא יישאר לעמוד במקומו אלא ההרה המלט פן תספה" [לב שמחה אמרים פר' וירא]  

·        ''הבעש''ט ז''ל אמר על הפסוק הוא ינהגנו על מות מלשון עלמות כמו שמלמדין התינוק לילך מחזיקין אותו קצת וכשהתינוק יכול לילך קצת מרחיקין ממנו קצת וכשיכול יותר מרחיקין ממנו יותר הגם שלפעמים נופל אחר כך אף א על פי כן זה רצון האב שיפול ויעמיד את עצמו וזה פירוש הפסוק בשכבך ובקומך דהיינו תיכף  כשתשכב יעמוד אז ועל יפול מזה לזה וזהו כרע שכב כארי'' [אמרי אמת פר' כי תבא כז/ח

Looking_to_improve wrote on 16 Aug 2021 15:56:

My Rebbe explained to me that if you value the goal (here; staying clean) and do everything in your power to achieve that goal, then you are doing everything that Hashem expects from you right now. Then you are on the right path and you should be confident going into Yamim Noraim.

If there is something more that you feel you should be doing, now is the perfect time to look into those options.