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Scientific studies show that it takes 90 days to break an addictive pattern in the mind. Start your own Log of your journey to 90 days! Post here to update us on your status and to give each other chizuk to stay strong!

TOPIC: Square one 4195 Views

Re: Square one 22 Mar 2021 21:30 #365891

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BH I'm still clean, I'm feeling mostly better, but still have a small desire that still remains at the moment

Re: Square one 22 Mar 2021 21:59 #365893

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“Still clean” sounds like your just staving off an urge that you’ll subsequently succumb to.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
- Arthur Ashe
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Re: Square one 22 Mar 2021 22:53 #365897

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OivedElokim wrote on 22 Mar 2021 21:59:
“Still clean” sounds like your just staving off an urge that you’ll subsequently succumb to.
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Perhaps, but it's also the lashon of GYE when you update your 90 day chart. 
Do you have an alternative way of putting it? I'm open to suggestions

Re: Square one 23 Mar 2021 00:26 #365902

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That's true. I guess it's in contrast to "I had a fall"...
I think "I am clean, BH" does justice to the state of being clean...
IMHO
For the background to my name- see Tanya פרק טו.
״שההפרש בין עובד אלוקים לצדיק הוא שעובד הוא לשון הווה, שהוא באמצע העבודה״
-Oived Elokim means a constant work in progress...
Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can.
- Arthur Ashe
“Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future”.

My old thread

My current thread 

Re: Square one 23 Mar 2021 22:21 #365987

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8 days clean bH
Still feel like I'm in need of chizuk, not really in the mood to be dealing with this stuff.
Just have this general feeling of being fed up of dealing and struggling to improve with this.
I have more to write, but struggling to put it in words
I just wish it would go away
Last Edit: 23 Mar 2021 22:28 by Looking_to_improve.

Re: Square one 23 Mar 2021 22:54 #365992

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Looking_to_improve wrote on 23 Mar 2021 22:21:
8 days clean bH
Still feel like I'm in need of chizuk, not really in the mood to be dealing with this stuff.
Just have this general feeling of being fed up of dealing and struggling to improve with this.
I have more to write, but struggling to put it in words
I just wish it would go away

I know exactly how you feel. I'm feeling the same today. I have nothing to tell you, just that I understand. 

Re: Square one 24 Mar 2021 19:56 #366039

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Feeling a bit weak now. If I had access to something, I think I would have just fallen without even thinking first.

Re: Square one 24 Mar 2021 22:23 #366046

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Day 9
Bh managed to stay clean

Re: Square one 24 Mar 2021 22:31 #366047

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You mamash made my day!
I was worried about you!
Boruch Hashem!
Last Edit: 24 Mar 2021 22:32 by Striving Avreich.

Re: Square one 25 Mar 2021 08:28 #366071

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Acted out this morning, so I'm back to 1️⃣
I think I'm going to go ahead and switch gentech, netspark doesn't work reliably for me.
I think my current goal should be to make it to shabbos clean

Re: Square one 25 Mar 2021 16:11 #366077

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Feeling a bit of an urge to act out again, need to stay strong and leave it at one fall and no more

Re: Square one 25 Mar 2021 21:38 #366088

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Day 0
BH haven't acted out again since this morning, but still feeling a desire to. The clocks go back tonight, so need to get an early night, but could easily see myself staying up and acting out again.

This is me back at my worst. Unable to go beyond 2 weeks clean. I've not recovered since I went 68 days clean a few months ago (Fell on Jan 26th, 13th of Shvat). Yes I get a few days clean here and there, but lemaaseh I know this is my dark place, the rut I'm stuck in. I feel like these days count for nothing, its just going from one fall to the next, and I'm starting to hate it. I don't get out the starting blocks before failing again, time and time again. Why am I starting this year's yetzias mitzraim back on the 49th level of tumah?
Last Edit: 25 Mar 2021 21:39 by Looking_to_improve.

Re: Square one 26 Mar 2021 09:40 #366116

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Fell again today. Going nowhere quickly

Re: Square one 29 Mar 2021 22:30 #366131

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Had a nice Yom Tov so far, but back to square one yet again

Re: Square one 29 Mar 2021 22:43 #366132

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Although I've reached out to different people, spoken to a friend and I post here, I've been feeling alone in this battle recently
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