Hello @OvedElokim

I dont know why but you just crossed my mind. How are you brother?

If you’re still lurking just wondering how you are doing? Thoughts are with you. Good luck out there wherever you might be

Hey guys, it’s me again.

The last few months have been a whirlwind of reflection and positive change. Through a host of spiritual experiences and events, not least of which was the horrific pogroms of this past Simchas Torah and the subsequent displays of the deep moral rot that lies beneath the surface of secular society, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am and will remain a Jew. The moralistic facade of secular humanism and academia has lifted, and I will never fall for it again. I won’t say that I’m not disappointed, or that I don’t still admire many things in that world. I’ve merely reached the conclusion that I have no place in that world.

״בתוך עמי אנכי יושבת״

This is not to say that all my issues with Yiddishkeit have been resolved, or that my relationship with Yiddishkeit and Halachic observance is uncomplicated and one dimensional. I have many qualms about these issues. However I have enough faith, both in God and in myself, that I can make the best of it. My inherent sense of deep spirituality has resurfaced, and it is to be my North Star for the rest of my life, please God.

Over the past few months I’ve been watching lots of porn. It always bothered me and was something I wanted to stop, but I didn’t prioritize it. I let my filter subscriptions expire and haven’t really taken any steps to avoid falling. 

Now however, I am at a place where I want to start taking this thing seriously again, both for my own sake, for God and for my future wife and children.

I am wary to come back here as many of the prominent GYErs have a somewhat intense/hardline approach to handling these issues. Under no circumstances am I ready to give up my smartphone, or commit to paying high knasim for falling. I’m simply here for the comfort of community, and to glean the pieces of advice that I find relevant and doable.

I’ve been in touch with several of you over the last few months, and I’m so grateful for your enduring friendship and support, irrespective of my life choices or trajectory. 

It’s great to be back with the rest of you!

With much love and appreciation,
OivedElokim

Welcome back and good luck on your journey. The only piece of advice I can give you is be yourself. Will all your issues with Yiddishkeit be resolved maybe yes and maybe no, but you know what that really isn’t what is important right here right now, the important thing is that you be yourself and let everything else shake itself out. Good Luck friend 

OivedElokim wrote on 05 Mar 2024 16:54:

 Dude its 2024 this is a whole new GYE . Here we have love friends and warm fuzzy hugs. 
Welcome back . If you stay looking forward to getting to know you
The camaraderie that is here these days is what was the catalyst for many people to make them WANT to change. And then to actually channel their wants into actions.
We got some real good peeps here these days. Without pointing fingers at anyone I've made friendships here in the last  year that to me feel stronger than friends I've had for decades. Which was huge in my change.
Either way, Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak

OivedElokim wrote on 05 Mar 2024 16:54:

Hi Oived, so good to see your post!!

A long time ago, I read your thread with intense, avid interest and related to so much of it. Raw and honest, you beautifully articulate your struggles with porn and masturbation under the backdrop of grappling with your religious identity. 

So here's a warm and hearty welcome back!

I bolded part of your post because I relate to that very much as well. I figured I'd share with you that I kinda think the same way...and have nevertheless stayed (after deleting one username for a similar reason) and gleaned the benefits of friendship, support and continued inspiration in dealing with these struggles while carefully choosing between healing from addictive, destructive behaviors and ideals related to Halachic interpretation/hashkafa.

It takes introspection and knowing that for myself, this is where I draw the line of what I feel is healthy for me. Take the wheat and discard (what is our own personal) chaff.  

Looking forward to hearing your articulate pearls of wisdom, regardless of your religious situation.

Warmly,
- Youknowwho

Welcome back. I don't know you well but I read a little bit of your thread. It is beautiful that you took the courage to return and post. 

If you are interested in writing which things you find doable and which you don't perhaps we can give you advice that is relevant and doable.

Either way, take my brotherly love. I care about you as a person and wish you success on your journey. All the best.

Welcome back!!

The details of where you are holding is not what counts as much as the fact that you are working to better yourself. May you find a balance where you can be comfortable with yourself and be a true Oived Elokim.

P.S. to quote something you posted last year:
הבטיחה תורה שסוף ישראל לעשות תשובה בסוף גלותן ומיד הן נגאלין (רמב"ם הלכות תשובה)
IY"H Bekorov!

Welcome back buddy. Come by for a hug. It's been a while.....  

Long time fan of your thread, but was just getting my feet wet when you let the door swing shut…. Will be glad to have the chance of getting to know ye’

Wishing you my best in this next stage of your journey. 

A phoenix vanishes in a blinding, burning explosion of flame, yet somehow a wrinkled newborn fledgling is found amongst the ashes… The raw pain you’ve shared comes across as a burning in the bones. I hope you can find your way towards peace. 
And living. 

Warmly,

מאן דבעי חיים

Welcome back! Don't know you, but missed you anyway, so happy to see you back. 

Welcome back! Here's a warm virtual hug!

OivedElokim wrote on 05 Mar 2024 16:54:

Not a simple thing. That is the thing of GYE. The rest are the various tools in the GYE toolbox. I don't think the expectation is that every tool is necessary or appropriate for every member.

Welcome back and great hatzlachah!

Dear Oived,

How I was looking for some good news today, and here you are coming back! I am happy that you are finding at least some clarity in this confusing world. 

Welcome back!

Nu, when are you coming for the hug?