So here I am on yet another day one.
I've been here many, many times before. Perhaps this is my last, but I highly doubt it.
Incredibly frustrated with myself, with G-d, with this struggle.
Feels impossible.
I feel like I've tried everything, within reason.
Maybe it's time to give up, this threads title notwithstanding.
I'll keep up this double life, and have two separate but decent ones instead of one dominated by frustration and guilt..

Don't have time to post much more right now, I'll be back. Hopefully soon,
OivedElokim

Since you seem to be into Tanya, may I call your attention to this:
(from "Shnitzel&Kugel'"s signature, and one that I get a lot of inspiration from even though I'm not Lubavitch )

Yeah I've grappled with that perek for many years. At one point I knew it baal peh.
Regardless, the Rebbe is asserting that this is my avodah in life. And between me and him, he would know. It's his area of expertise.
So I'm not denying that that's what Hashem expects of me. I'm just complaining that it's not a fair expectation...

DONT GIVE UP PPPLLLEEAAASSSSEEEE

Dear oivedElokim,

I can’t truly know the extent of your struggles but I can offer this. After I signed up to gye I was back in the mode of “this is the last time I will ever watch porn or masturbate” and I ‘knew’ that this was truly the last time. I managed to get 120 days clean and I made a much longer streak than I had ever done before…only to result in yet another fall after 120 days. The feeling was devastating. I thought that I was right back to where I had started. I then fell two more times in close proximity to that first fall, as i was emotionally drained and i was done trying. I was ready to give up. Again. However, through the help of many people on this forum I managed to pick myself up again after a few falls and now im back on track with over thirty days straight…

That being said—I know that you can do it! I know that you can get back up! We all know it! It will take some work, but you will see soon that you are going to get everything back together again and you will manage to break free! You are nowhere near ready to give up yet! You have so many good days behind you and you mustn’t forget about them. You definitely have the ability to get back in the fight! So just keep trying and I hope that we are going to hear much progress from you soon.

Do not let your falls define who you are nor define the progress that you have made so far. This is the toughest battle of our generation and you are on the front lines fighting it. Never give up!

Wishing you hatzlacha rabah—keep in touch
-ftc

OivedElokim wrote on 19 Sep 2022 18:25:

Intresting 2 caveats here.

1. It's a feeling, maybe not true.

2. Reason - sounds like there are things you don't want to try.

I could  be reading the tea leaves upside down.

Hakolhevel wrote on 20 Sep 2022 03:49:

Lol. I literally thought of you and your probable reaction when I wrote those words.
Not that you're wrong, just that I'm not ready to hear that right now.
I know what you think I should do. Not gonna go there anytime soon.
Maybe it's worth it, maybe it isn't.

After all is said and done, your resilience is the stuff of heroes. Guys who really quit don't come here and post that (with rare exception). They simply disappear. Your post is (I think) your way of vomiting, which is wise. You get out the despair, receive chizuk, and move on. You know good and well that you have come so far regarding this issue. Your thinking about sexuality (and about success in life in general) has been rewired and is in a very healthy place. Iyh you you will make a super husband and father when that time comes. Your thread reads as a living mussar sefer of an imperfect yid - which is an inspiration for so many. Cumulatively you have changed your level of kedusha immensely - compare the number and frequency of falls a few years back to where you are today. To put it bluntly - back then you were to some degree defined by this stuff and viewed yourself as a masturbator and porn watcher. Now you must agree that you should view yourself as a geshmake erliche yid who struggles from time to time with an ingrained bad habit. Do you agree?

@HHM-I am very moved by your kind words, and despite my terrible ingrained instinct to view every compliment as insincere/just to make me feel good, I will attempt to start looking at myself in this way. At the end of the day if I am to become a more healthy and positive guy-which is a foremost goal of mine, more so then quitting masturbation-I need to stop trusting my old, negative perceptions of myself.

Thank you everyone who takes the time to read, respond and even press the "thank you" button. It really means a lot.
OivedElokim

Back to your favorite segment-
My 5 Mitzvos for today:

1. Gemara Chavrusa
2. Shulchan Aruch Chavrusa
3. Maariv b'tzibur
4. Seder in Mishnayos
5. Listened to a shiur on a Rosh HaShana Maamer (For the uninitiated that's a Chassidic discourse)

Plan to break out of my sleeping in pattern tomorrow, gonna try to get up early and go for a run to shock my system.
I'll let you guys know how that goes.

Thanks for reading,
OivedElokim

Wow. Something crazy happened to me today!

The idea came into my head a couple of days ago to go somewhere where I could watch porn. It's been bubbling ever since, but I've mostly dismissed it. Part of me considered it "out of the cards" at this point, largely due to the fact that I want to start dating soon and I wouldn't feel comfortable doing it without having a few months clean, at least from porn if not masturbation.
However the tayva radically increased today (as I'm typing this the tayva is coming back to me...) and I had a chavrusa in the vicinity of "that place". I decided, in face of a cacophony of voices shouting "NO!", that I would go watch porn right after the chavrusa was over.
So the chavrusa ended and I pull my phone out of my pocket, look and see a text from a GYE friend who I saw earlier today briefly but didn't have a chance to speak to. He lives out of town so I don't see him often, but he comes in every now and then. So he texted me asking if I wanted to meet up.

I was floored. Felt like this was G-d's way of saving me from breaking my almost three month porn-free streak.
So I made up to meet him after Maariv. Davened and went out to meet him. We spoke on a street corner for over an hour. Gave me a lot to think about, especially in terms of what my next step should be in fighting this habit/addiction. 

Anyways G-d saved me from falling today. Concerned about tomorrow though...

My 5 Mitzvos:​

1. Mincha b'tzibur
2. Chassidus chavrusa
3. Gemara chavrusa
4. Shulchan Aruch chavrusa
5. Maariv b'tzibur

Good night boys,
OivedElokim

Beautiful, Hashem loves you

On your next list of 5 nice things you did, please list that you spent an hour with your chaver being mechazek each other. Such a meeting is both bain adam l'chaveiro, and bain adam l'makom.

It’s after licht bentchen but I figured that the best way to end of the year would be to once again participate in this amazing community and extend to you all my best wishes for a sweet new year.
May the next year be one in which we serve Hashem not out of fear or guilt but out of love and appreciation, where we manifest the wonderful destiny he has in store for all of us, with only revealed good in every area. 
I have more to write, perhaps I will share a longer bracha before YK.
Oh, and I am going into RH with 4 days clean. I’m very proud of myself and I’m sure Hashem is too.

sending love to all of you,
OivedElokim

Had a pretty good Yom Tov. Served as Chazan in a small shul in a remote location.
Spiritually it wasn't much of an experience, no radical epiphanies or deep insights gained, don't feel like I accepted Hashem to be king in any meaningful way. I guess I am working on improving myself at my own pace and I think Hashem sees that and appreciates that. My therapist told me something to this effect (while getting visibly emotional-it really moved me to see how much he cares about me-#TYH for my therapist) in our last session. All in all I'm pretty sanguine about Hashem giving me a good year, after all is said and done. I don't conceive of him as a vengeful old man in the sky looking to catch me on my every mistake (the way I am to myself, in other words  ). 

Which brings me to my next point, which is that I am currently going on 8 days clean, BH! I cannot remember the last time I stayed clean this long. I have a new knas/incentive that seems to be doing the job. It's in effect till 12 Tishrei, will figure something out before then for the long term. But I am very happy about that as well as proud. I'm pretty sure if I can take pride in that, certainly Hashem can. He's infinitely more capable then me (I don't know if this is blasphemous language, but whatever) ...

Starting a new part-time job tomorrow, to help me break up my learning with some structure and provide me with some $$$ as my parents are encouraging me to become more financially independent. Hoping that it gets off to a good start and that my learning doesn't suffer too much as a result.

anyways a gmar chasima tova to all,
Hoping to continue to share good news with you all
OivedElokim