I’m so unhappy.
Not enjoying davening or learning.
Not really related to my kedusha issues, just venting here. I’m hoping that a few more sessions of therapy will help me out. If not I’m done as far as having a handle on life...

OivedElokim wrote on 12 Apr 2021 00:06:

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. I've also suffered from severe chronic depression and it does really suck. Sorry I only have a few generic chizukim regarding this but they did help me so I pray that they work for you as well.

1. Basically we know learning Torah is supposed to be the most enjoyable, funnest thing in life. Hashem says so Himself. Funner than playing sports, watching TV, or even having sex. So then why is it that it can seem so miserable at times to some people? It's because the mindset is wrong. If your mindset is to gain an emesdik connection w Hashem, then learning is a grand slam. But if your mindset is just going after worldly desires and instant gratification, learning will seem miserable because it will inhibit you from doing those things. So how can you change the mindset? You've prob heard these eitzos before but just to reiterate, try learning something at first that you're passionate about (e.g. I'm passionate ab dogs so I learn the halachos of pets). Maybe to get you in the mood of learning, do some light reading from an interesting english sefer like Headlines or listen/watch Torah podcasts/vids. There was a rlly funny daf yomi vid account on Insta but i forget the name (sry i blocked IG, i cant find it for you).
2. Why would you give up on trying to get a handle on life? Obviously Hashem knows whatever lemons He is throwing at you, you will be able to turn into lemonade. So then do you not trust Hashem that He knows what He is doing?

B'emes praying for you over here. Hatzlocha!

Regarding davening, i posted this on my thread the other day and maybe it'll help you

OivedElokim wrote on 12 Apr 2021 00:06:

Rabbi Avigdor Miller Z"L said that whatever is good for your health you should use and enjoy in this world. If you like to eat bread and butter and it’s also good for you, or if you like to eat chicken and it's good for you, why not?! Eat! But eat it b'simcha. Don't say “I don't like to eat.” No, don’t say that. You have to have appetite; eat with appetite and the saliva will flow – it helps you to digest. The stomach juices flow and it helps you digest the food properly. Appetite helps you digest. Enjoy the food and at the same time ואכלת ושבעת וברכת את השם אלוקיך – thank Him. Any enjoyment you get from food or anything else in this world, thank Hashem, thank Hashem, thank Hashem! That’s the purpose of all enjoyment in this world.

Day twenty two 

The depression stubbornly persists, although the intensity has lowered due to the fact that I woke up earlier and made it to minyan for the first time in awhile. Success breeds success. 

Spoke to my psychiatrist today. He recently upped my dosage of antidepressants, and he told me it’ll take a few weeks for it to kick in. Waiting for that to happen. Also looking forward to meeting my new therapist again this Thursday. Hope I can hang in there till then...

Fell twice last night.
Not feeling a lot of guilt, but I took the necessary steps to avoid further falls. Maybe that’s the right way to do it...
More on that later.

Last night was good. Today is day number 3. Will get through it, be"h.

Shower640am wrote on 15 Apr 2021 18:50:

Good to hear!!
I think you posted this on the wrong thread by mistake...

After a period of about 24 hours of repeated falls I put my foot down and renewed  my knas contract till after Lag Baomer. I need to be mindful of the fact that it seems as though my yetzer hara is afraid of the knas and therefore gets me to procrastinate about renewing it, creating “gaps” such as these with “no consequences “ to acting out. Gotta be more vigilant next time.
Also I have to get myself to a place where I decide that I don’t want it any more. Otherwise I’ll feel deprived of it.

Day 0
I hit 24 hours tonight.
Feeling more optimistic about life generally.
​Spoke to my therapist about reasons to feel hopeful about my life and its possibilities.

Need to take some time to think about why i want to kick this "habit".  I've made a pro/con list before, but i think i should make another one to reinforce myself and my commitment to staying clean. I'll probably post it here after Shabbos.

"Remember that failure is an event , not a person"

Wishing you all a good and joyous Shabbos.

OivedElokim

Fell today.
Not motivated to stop...

You got this man, think about life without this! It is worth it!

What has helped motivate you in the past?

OivedElokim wrote on 18 Apr 2021 01:32:

You can do it! People who had it worse than you have done it - it's possible. Maybe speak to someone over the phone or on private message just to get yourself motivated. Something I personally like to think about sometimes is אם אין עכשיו אימתי (if not now, when?) which is soooo relevant regarding these issues. If we don't work now and push ourselves to really overcome these struggles and push through then we never will. And we will be old men with our lives behind us and we will look back and wonder how our lives broke apart first by having issues with our wives and our children then everything falling apart and always having this "secret" that plagued us and our conscience and that made us depressed and upset that we kept giving in to it. We will wonder why the heck why why why did we not stop earlier before we shot ourselves in the foot and ruined our lives?

So in other words you fell. It sucks. We've all been there. It feels terrible and disgusting. You fall multiple times (the "what the heck syndrome"). It sucks. But you just gotta get back on the horse and go again. Keep going and PUSH THROUGH AND WIN!

We're all rooting for you!

OivedElokim wrote on 18 Apr 2021 01:32:

If you don't stop, will your life be manageable?

Not in the long run.
Just feeling like my life is unmanageable regardless...