Mazel Tov!!

Lou wrote on 25 Apr 2021 17:10:

Of course! I'm trying to make LIFE great again, not just make 90 days great again. And oh, don't worry, ive been celebrating all day!! 

Thanks Lou for the Mazal tov and the confirmation of what I posted!

EvedHashem1836 wrote on 25 Apr 2021 19:00:

Thank you!! I see by your streak that you're starting to inch closer to 90 too. I can't wait to return the Mazal tov when you get there!! 

Mazal tov!
Hope to join shortly!

#makelifegreatagain wrote on 25 Apr 2021 23:33:

Well , I'm back. After a streak of about 134 days (my best streak ever!) I finally fell. But I don't feel bad about it. I think a part of me knew that it was going to happen eventually with all the fantasizing I've been doing. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner!

So heres how I'm going to approach this next chapter of my life: I'm starting to realize why people choose to ignore their streaks. My streak says zero, but I don't feel like I'm at zero. I feel like I'm still at 134 with 1 fall. My streak says I'm back at where I started, but it doesn't feel that way. It feels like I can just pick up where I left off until Ive finally become the person I want to be. True, it's a shame I no longer have that pride of having such a long streak. But I'm kind of glad it's gone. Now I can regroup and focus on changing myself instead of the number of days of my streak. I may have fallen off the mountain, but sometimes you can see things on the ground better than you can see things from on top of the mountain. Like, the ground, the foundation for the mountain, is actually much more stable than you thought. Your mountain won't be destroyed so easily. You can always try to climb up again. 

thanks for reading... See you out on the forums! 

#makelifegreatagain wrote on 09 Jun 2021 14:48:

^^^
You didn't fall off the mountain. You just tripped on the path. get up, put bandaids on the boo-boos, and continue to climb.
Hatzlacha!

Thanks so much! I will keep on going for sure. The top is definitely in my reach!!

Its been awhile, but I'm back again.

After falling from a 134+ day streak a couple of months ago I have struggled to get back on track. I've been able to go about 2 weeks or so each time without falling but after that I don't last much longer. I'm frustrated enough that im starting to wonder if I'll even have a chance of going to olam Habah after I pass away, or if I'll be able to have children if I decide to do that in the future. Even so, I'm still fighting. I avoided falling for over an hour today before I fell, and I was proud of myself for trying. But then I started thinking, did I do enough to be proud of myself? I thought I did all I could when I was about to fall but even before I finally did I thought of something else I could have tried but I chose to ignore it. Is Hashem still proud of me for the effort anyway? I wish I could know! Every time I start a streak I feel like it could be the one that gets me out of this, but now I'm starting to doubt it when I feel that, like there will be another one after it. And why not? After all, sometimes I feel that looking at bad things is a part of who I am and that I can't ever truly get rid of it because I don't really want to. I sometimes feel like I need to keep on looking the way someone in a desert needs to keep drinking. Then there are times I can't believe I ever wanted to look in the first place. I just wish my brain would make up it's mind. I know which way I want to go. It feels amazing whenever I want to look and mb but I control myself instead. I feel like the greatest hero in the world. I imagine all of my friends and family rushing forward to congratulate me on stopping the villain. And the best part? In a way, it's true! I did something amazing, and I know my family and friends would be so proud of me if they knew what I had done. It's so much better than the feeling I get when I fall. A quick rush of pleasure followed by nothing, then guilt, moral victories, and a promise to keep going. It's insane. You would think a desire so powerful would lead to something so good. But all it leads to is more desire. Then it becomes a monster and consumed you. Can I really be held accountable for something like this? I never asked for this torture. If someone came along and made it disappear I'd be the happiest guy on Earth. Sometimes I ask myself, how bad can the punishment be? It's such a hard challenge. There's no way I should be punished so harshly for it. Honestly, the guilt is punishment enough. How bad can gehennim be compared to the torture itself? I know I'm just rambling at this point, but I guess what I'm trying to figure out is, is there something worth fighting for that I don't think I have? Like, will Hashem keep forgiving me even if I don't always do my best? Do I still have more chances? I can't know that for sure, so I get anxious thinking about it. Sometimes I even get upset and I wonder, Does Hashem even know what it's like to be human?? Because if not, how can He possibly judge is fairly if he can't sympathize with us? I'm not trying to go against Hashem, chas vshalom, it's just something I wonder every once in awhile when I'm frustrated. But I do know He's helping me. Every time I mess up, He gives me a good habit to start practicing.One time He got me to learn the parsha every week. Then He got me to learn something almost every day. Most recently, He started sending me back to shul to daven for forgiveness and help. It's almost like every time I make myself worse Hashem makes me better. Maybe He's more like a doctor than a judge. He might not be able to sympathize with my pain but He can help me heal it. I'm thankful for that but I wish He could make it go away faster. From all of us.So someday we can all have 134+ day streaks and laugh about how we suffered to get there. I can't wait!

You wrote - " Is Hashem still proud of me for the effort anyway? I wish I could know!"

One of the gedolim from the previous generation (it may have been the Steipler, but i do not remember for sure) was approached by a very broken man who had tried stopping to masturbate and had so far been unsuccessful. After listening, he asked him if he gives in right away, or if he withholds, starts and stops, etc. Of course the answer we all know was that many many many times he held back until he unfortunately caved in. This gadol then passionately said," So if that's the case, i would like to kiss the hand that did not masturbate thousands of times...."  

As you write, you are BH a hero. Regarding your concern about children, there is no reason to assume that you won't iyh have many cute kids. May Hashem direct you to the right shliach to help you out of this mess. Obviously you can do it since you have done it before. Hatzlocha buddy!

Thanks so much for that response!! I really needed to hear that. 

Hi I highly recommend that you read The Battle of the Generation because it deals with a lot of these perspectives you discussed and it can strengthen you. (See link below in my signature.)

dovidfg wrote on 01 Sep 2021 01:10:

I think you nailed the answer!

Sometimes the nisayon  that Hashem is testing us with is not the end result rather it's just to see if we will put up a good fight. I think this is what he means that sometimes we are an ones, we are not necessarily responsible for the outcome (although often we are) we are responsible for putting up a good fight. This is one approach. It's actually very similar with Rav Dessler's nekudas habechira.

Once we are on the topic I think it's important to point out that Rav Dessler's (and probably Rav Tzaddok but I never saw it inside) main point is not to give us a reason to "feel good" about our aveiros because we were an oines. While it's true that part of the point is to give chizzuk to people who fall, the main point is the importance of growing in steps. When he says that the battle takes place within nekudas habechira that is to say that we only grow when we fight there. Fighting too high will lead us to resentment (another yesod that Rav Dessler uses a lot) and fighting too low will not enable us to grow. 

This is not his chiddush, rather he just had a novel way of explaining it. The concept of working in steps and not skipping is basic (for example braysa of Rav Pinchas Ben Yair). The fact that not challenging yourself isn't growth isn't either his chiddush. 

The only thing that comes out a chiddush is what people say from him which I don't think he even meant, that we can know when something is too hard and that therefore we were an ones. There is no real way for us to know this and therefor we mush always push ourselves. If we do fall, we should not be telling ourselves "I don't need to do teshuva because I was an ones" this is simply a misunderstanding. It may be a good idea to save charata for a different time for other reasons but not because we were pattur. 

Either way, sorry about this, I couldn't help it. 

The main point is that we could and should feel good about the fight regardless of the outcome. It's a process, enjoy the journey.

One more point, if you understand that the fight is a huge part of the goal than why if we fall in the end are we failures? If you run 98% of the track and fall at the end, did you fail? If you are trying to win a race then you failed but if you were in the middle of training you wouldn't look at it that way. Can we say that someone who was training for a race and fell 98% of the way accomplished 98% of his goal? 

we have to work on seeing this fight as a training session, and not an all or nothing battle. Hashem doesn't look at us as all or nothing or He would have made us that way (perfect). We can take a 98% and say "wow, I did so well, lets see if I can do this again."

All the best, I hope we can all come to Rosh Hashana with menuchas hanefesh that we are trying to grow closer. 

Wilnevergiveup