Hi everyone,

This is my first post.

I'm 25, living in Israel and am blessed with a wonderful wife and child. My job is stressful but financially rewarding, and I am blessed with parnassa. On the face of it, everything should be perfect.

However, since youth (before my bar mitzvah), I have struggled with porn and masturbating. I always tried to quit at every critical juncture / crossroads in life (bar mitzvah, yeshiva in Israel after high school, college, marriage, birth of my child) and have ultimately fell and failed.

The one person I shared these challenges with was my wife, but you can imagine the pain it would cause her every time (not to mention the fact that she simply does not understand why it is a challenge and feels very betrayed by it, further deepening my feelings of shame and guilt).

My longest streak was over a year for masturbating. Porn was a recurring issue but I had thought I at least overcame masturbating. Several weeks ago, I fell at both and since then I have been falling every few days.

I feel hopeless. I have tried everything, reducing social media usage, deleting YouTube, adding filters. Somehow, someway, the yetzer hara finds me in a low point, after a hard week at work or a bitter argument with my spouse and I inevitably fail. It feels genuinely hopeless, and I end up with painful, strong feelings of shame and guilt which are almost unbearable and leave me with a general feeling of depression. Occasionally, the feelings bubble up and cause an argument which throws me back into the vicious cycle.

Previously, I would share my falls with my wife to feel like I at least have some integrity but I am afraid to do so and feel it would not help anyways.

I don't know who to turn to and what to do.

I have begged and cried to Hashem to help me with this, and I often see signals which try to bring me back from failing but when I am in the heat of the moment, I ignore all of them.

I really don't know what to do anymore. I joined this website and started the 90 day challenge, as well as sent several requests to potential mentors. I hope this will help me overcome these disgusting habits once and for all.

Welcome! You came to the right place.

Its takes a lot of strength to be open like you have been and to keep on trying despite all the setbacks. Hashem feels your pain and hears your tefiilos and be"H will help you succeed. Get connected with GYE by using the forum and make some GYE chaverim who can be there for you through the ups and downs in a way that only someone who has "been there done that" can understand.

May you have tremendous hatzlacha ubracha! We're rootin' for you!

Wow, I can’t even imagine how painful this constantly is for you! Feeling like there’s no one there by ur side can bring feelings of depression and loneliness! We’re all here for you! You will get through this hard struggle in your life! With this amazing website and the entire chevra here were all happy to support you and hold your hand through this hard journey... keep it up! You will soon look back and see your accomplishment! all the best, 
-shtarkandemotional 

Hi buddy! Welcome home, we all understand what your going threw, and bezr"h you will stick around and have much success! Our @captain will soon post some great resources, you can also check out the GYE handbook for great tools. 
Stick around, and post, you will get to know yourself and your struggle, and gain great ideas from the special people here.
wishing you much hatzlacha!

StrengthToStrength wrote on 28 Dec 2020 15:57:

StrengthToStrength! What a great and articulate first post. You are obviously a very special person.

I want to echo what @DeterminedtoWin wrote. This forum is comprised of "been there done that" people who get it. Being part of this community and opening up in my posts has helped me to chip away at the feelings of shame and guilt that you wrote about. My experience was that those feelings inhibited my ability to change.

Wishing you great hatzlochoh!

Welcome! You came to the right place. I know it's hard to believe when going through it (it was for me!), but I think almost everyone here has experienced such feelings, especially of hopelessness and being depressed because of this struggle. I know I did many times. It hurts like gehenom. But the good news is that there is hope. Many people here have achieved significant success and also changed their attitude on this battle. And you can too.

Keep in touch with the guys. Keep posting about your days. Read people's stories on their forum and connect with them.

Also please check out these great free resources:

Great book (ebook) for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Also, you can sign up for the daily GYE Boost emails/ whatsapps at www.gyeboost.org.

Welcome S.T.S!

You may not know it yet but from now on you are not fighting alone. You now have all of us to vent and share your ups and downs.
Many here are struggling with the same struggles you mentioned.
We all can relate to some degree.
Don't run away! Keep updating and posting your journey as that will help with accountability and give chizuk to others.
May you go from מחיל אל חיל!

All the best!

Hey how’ve you been? :-) thinking about you! 

hey just wana say that your first post inspired me thank you and keep up the fight thats why we are here! 

Hi folks, thanks for the messages!

Lately, I'm lurking on the GYE Hub platform more than this site but nice to be back to where it all began

Baruch Hashem, I've been doing well. I hope that extends to everyone who reads this.

The two things that helped me most:

1. I described in detail how I did this on GYE Hub and I'm happy to speak more about the specifics if helpful: I basically deleted Play Store, all internet browsers and several other built-in apps on my phone (basically anything which I could use to access bad stuff), creating a semi-kosher smartphone. I deleted these apps from the "root", not just deactivating it, using basic software. It's worked well so far (bit over 100 days), but 2 and 3 below have been the most important ultimately. Without those, this would be practically meaningless. Technical safeguards have their place, but for me, I found that it really comes down to my mind and ratzon. I don't know if my method is more effective than NetSpark or GenTech, but figured I would give it a try before using those tools (although I have heard great things)

2. Accepting that doing this stuff is just wrong for my marriage and wrong for my wife. And that is is equivalent to cheating. And for that reason alone, it's wrong. So whatever other rationalizations I make up, this one should answer them all

3. Realizing that this stuff pulls me away from Hashem and Torah and wanting to have anything to do with a religious lifestyle. The two just aren't incompatible. So if I want to be real with myself, I should either go that way or this way. Sort of how Eliyahu rebukes Bnei Yisrael to stop sitting on the fence and pick a side.

Chag Sameach to everyone!