Still feeling an urge today. I guess I'm in for a tough few days, gotta hold on tight.

Looked at something I shouldn't have(not porn) this afternoon. I didn't masturbate, but I think I'm gonna consider it as a slip, and probably count it as a fall if I do it again.

Gonna be a busy day from now till the end of night seder, but I think I should probably go for another run tonight, try get this urge out my system 

Your strength and perseverance encourages me!

Keep it going!

Learn
Run.
Post on GYE.
Learn.
Run.
Post on GYE.
Repeat the above.

Guaranteed to keep you out of trouble during waking hours....

Stay strong, brother!

Thank you guys for your support, I really appreciate it

Day 66

Wasn't feeling so great during night seder, couldn't focus and was feeling ill so I left early. I guess it's a bracha that I have something else to fill my mind with, other than the desire that's been in my mind for the last few days. 

Been a tough day overall. Was dumb earlier to have give in to my curiosity, it only increased my desire to masturbate. Never quite cleared my mind fully, always had a bit of a niggling feeling at the back of my mind. 
BeH ill wake it tomorrow and it will all pass

Yes, the fresh image will probably linger for a bit.

Keep strong!

Looking_to_improve wrote on 24 Jan 2021 20:53:

You don't need me to tell you, but yes the urge will pass. It will. Please hold on tight, for my sake. I need you. I need your inspiration.

Sleep well

This is really michazeik to read this. Keep it up

Day 67

Pretty good day BH. Yesterday was relegated to the back of my mind. BeH by tomorrow it will be completely gone

Today has been pretty good so far BH. Unlike 2 days ago when I was getting a prolonged urge for a long time to masturbate, today I just had a suprise attack to act out. I'm writing this to keep myself busy for a few mins.
As soon as the element of surprise is lost, the cat it out the bag, and the urge will subside. So I just need to make it past the wave, and let it come crashing down

Still have an urge for masturbation, I have a chavrusa now, but concerned for afterwards

68 and going strong...pushing the menuval off minute by minute! Mamash the Steipler in Siberia!

I envy your schar, dear brother.

IMG

I fell tonight, I masturbated after the chavrusa
I'm disappointed in myself.

I'm annoyed at what I did on Friday, it raised by desire to act out pretty much every day since then, but on the other hand I'm quite happy that I lasted this long since then. ​Thank you for all support over the last few days.

Need to try get myself looking forward again, and quickly. It's easy to say, but much harder to internalise. I acted out again in the process of writing this, about an hour after the first time. 2nd time I watched porn for an minute or two. The first clean day of a new streak can be as hard as a whole week combined later on. It's easy to think that you want to 'get your moneys worth' and act out a few times over the period of a few days. 

Right now I think my goal should be going to sleep tomorrow night with a clean day under my belt. It's small and achievable, but will also be hard. 

Positives to try take away
I went 68 days clean, over 2 months. I've never been clean for that long since I started keeping track. I've been progressing a lot as well, my last few streaks have been 68, 33,1,44. Before these few, I'd barely gone above 3 weeks, so it is reassuring to see I'm improving. Also I've had menuchas hanefesh over many days, especially these last few streaks, which is promising.
Where to go from here, I'm not quite sure. I need to think and contemplate about what I can improve on.

This seems like a bit of an incomplete post, I feel like there's more to say, but I don't really know what. Maybe I'll post again later

When I acted out, it was kind out of frustration if that makes sense. 

It hurts. I really feel pained for you, when I fell like a month ago, I sat in my car, and I just almost cried, I felt so disappointed in myself, I didnt feel that sad in a long time. Where do I go next? what am I supposed to do? All those questions swirled in my head.
It wasn't that long of a streak, I never yet made it to 68, but I felt lost.
But please know, that you are a good person, and I followed your journey, you worked hard, and you will get there. You have 68 days that define you more then a few hours after a long fight.
You will iyh find the encouragement to stand up again, and even if you feel down, and your trying to make sense of all of this, dont let this define you. And try as mu h as you can to lift your head just a little more, and give yourself a warm smile...

Looking_to_improve wrote on 26 Jan 2021 21:30:

I totally relate. We grow up using this as a way (albeit destructive) to express anger/frustration/stress etc...

We’re like babies learning to walk. We take a few steps then fall down etc and repeat.
And each time we walk, fall, and walk again, we are growing. Same here... (I’m not getting into how this works with bechira and schar vOnesh)

Baruch HaShem you’re doing very well! Keep ur head up and don’t forget to smile!