32, 33, 34: Clean.

Good Rosh Hashanah, Day 2 was nearly unbearable as I was having thoughts left and right, came close to falling but thankfully made it through one moment at a time. Again like one of my previous near-falls I saw pritzus beforehand (didn't linger on it though), this time in a newspaper that I previously made a promise not to read, I thought I could take the chance that it was clean and was rewarded with a well deserved slap...ok note to self: that paper is off-limits

Edit: Checked my diary, my average is 1 fall for every month, do I really want to screw up my progress? NO! I will stop teasing myself, I will stop making stupid moves and I will play harder.

Meyer M. wrote on 21 Sep 2020 03:39:

Powerful stuff! 

I find myself all too often telling myself (the first "myself" is really just a well camouflaged Y"H) "don't worry you are strong you will be fine, just take a peek..." 
It never ends well, even when I don't fall it still causes me to struggle significantly more. It's just not worth it.

I have to say like you said "NO! I will stop teasing myself, I will stop making stupid moves and I will play harder."

Thanks!

Day 35: Clean. Was lusting throughout the day, had a wet dream, definitely was my fault but moving on, it wasn't in my control.

Day 36: Clean. Much better control. 

37: Clean.

38: Clean.

39: Clean.

40: Clean.

Again...I need to stop the first slips. Why this is a back and forth, I don't know, it's really annoying but it's the only way I will let go completely. Onward folks! 

Edit: Been slipping more, any ideas to stop?

How to stop slipping, wish I knew...

1) Take a long walk if the weather is right.
2) Realize something. It feels like there is no release to the bubble of taiva, which makes us want to slip. So remember that the taiva doesn't last, it comes in waves.
3) Watch a GYE inspirational vid
4) Get advice from someone who actually knows what he's talking about

Anyway, that's my cue to leave. All the best Meyer, you're doing great. Kesiva vechasima tova.

p.s. When was the last time you hit 40 days?! Congrats.

Another idea you could try maybe is only concentrating on the next few minutes. tell yourself that you are most definitely able to resist for ten minutes. After that, you realize it wasn't so hard, do another ten and keep going till it's over. Just a thought, don't know how well it works.

Day 41: Clean.

Day 42: Clean.

Fell today, feeling disgusted but a month and a half is quite impressive, comparing with the 2-3 times a day when I started. Made a lot of progress and at least I went through the aseres ymei tshuvah clean, not happy about falling on motza yom kippur but it beats on yom kippur. The act is not justified in any way but I'm happy with my progress. I didn't go to the mikvah this morning which I think added to the pressure.

Going to try the suggestions, although it may be hard to implement in the moment. 

September update (first post) coming soon.

Shame about the fall, but don't get stuck in a rut, get right back up on your feet. A month and a half clean at a time would equal roughly 8 times a year - remember how you used to fall that many times in 3 days?! That's progress buddy. 

Meyer M. wrote on 29 Sep 2020 18:30:

Congrats on some great work! Keep rolling forward. You don't lose that streak and you never start from square one. No such thing. KOT!!!

Day 1, 2, 3, 4: Clean

Day 5 (Shabbos Sukkos): fell

Day 1: Clean

Taking some advice and setting up a partner.

Day 2-7: clean

Day 8: fell

Question: why is quitting this so difficult for me? I usually ace everything I put my head to in life so why is this so hard?

Hey Meyer, sorry about the fall, but it's awesome that you went a week clean! I also see that you had longer streaks as well. That's awesome!

As to your question... My two cents is that discipline with regards to sexuality is very difficult. We see that the world has more masturbators and porn watchers then alcoholics and drug addicts. This isn't an accident. iI's because this is just a different league of challenge. What you are going through is quite common and normal, and perhaps the worse thing that you can take away from the challenge is this: that you can't succeed or that your self-control isn't great. As you noted yourself, you do succeed at things that demand a lot of self-control, but this area is VERY challenging. Perhaps the most challenging area men face. So keep your head up and if you have the ability to seek help in the form of therapy or something similar, it may be helpful to you. I know it was for me. Hope that made sense and was helpful. KOT!

Sometimes a new perspective can change a person too. I'm sure you've read through the handbook but if you haven't already then now is the time.

Another essay to read is The Secret of Happiness written by Harav Guard (I think, and the handbook as well btw) that will change your perspective.
Read it and get back to me, it's not that long and it's linked so no excuses.  

You can also read The Battle of the Generation but that's a whole book so if you like reading then great, if not start with the essay.

Meyer M. wrote on 13 Oct 2020 01:49:

You know - I have the same exact question.

I fell again yesterday too. And I don't get why I keep on doing it. But for me personally, I think the answer is that I truly believe I will stop when I need to. Like, when I will start dating, or when I get married or whenever in the future it is, I will just stop with this nonsense. Its not that I feel marriage will cure me, rather as soon as I need to get my act together, I will. Be it marriage, or work, or whatever else will just get me to let go. I never see myself doing this for the rest of my life, struggling for the rest of my life. I just don't need to stop right yet.

Stupid I know. I'll have to work on it. And you'll have to find your own reason. Think about it. Let us know.

Im Tevakshena Kakasef wrote on 14 Oct 2020 10:17:

Oish! ITK my brother! You know better than that! 

This needs a longer response...I just don't have the time right now. Anyone?