Testero wrote on 13 Aug 2020 10:34:

Truck on!

Day 6, still clean.
I've noticed that I became strangely angry in the last 1-2 days. I think it may be withdrawal symptoms. I've read once that we can experience such symptoms (anger / depression / insomnia). It's often a trigger that induces the temptation to "let go" or "feel good for a moment". What a lie to keep us imprisoned forever.

It's a real addiction and these are real symptoms. The brain is used to extreme dopamine rush and suddendly the amount of substance is greatly reduced. I've read somewhere that it's like we removed a leg from the table - the mind becomes unstable and needs time to find new balance, adjust, "grow a new leg". 

I believe it's true - it's easier for me to deal with these symptoms when I'm aware of them. I also remember that it gets much easier with time. For me first 2-3 weeks are always the worst. That's one of the reasons it's so difficult to stop - the fight is the hardest at the beginning.

During the years I've learned that fighting for yet another day, yet another hour is very important. It's not only teaching us discipline - it trains our brain to adjust, it strenghtens our willpower. 

Keep up the fight, brothers!

It's very normal to get angry or irritated when feeling sexual tension. There are kallah teachers who tell the girls that they should be prepared and sympathetic to their husbands during their periods, as they may be irritated and have a shorter fuse due to sexual tension without having a release. 

B'hatzlacha, Testero. We are all rooting for you. Keep up the good fight no matter how hard. You are racking up merit for all Am Yisrael in these trying times.

Thank you, brothers. It's a great thing when you're not fighting in the battle alone. And this is the real battle, the great war, invisible on the surface, yet affecting the whole globe. The stake is as great as it gets: eternal life or eternal death. One of the lies is, that one slip doesn't matter. That this ailment is nothing bad. Don't listen to this! Small decisions add up and define you. As wise man said:


I'm clean for 12 days now. Biggest streak since last 2 months for me! It's a small victory,  but I like the taste of it. Urges come less often now, I may be slowly entering another phase. Must rememeber to stay vigilant. The enemy is always near, constantly trying to deceive me. I know I only need a moment of weakness to fall.

This forum is really helping me. Not only I try harder, knowing that you're watching me. Your words are inspiring and pushing me. Togehter we stand! I pray for you, please pray for me.

Day 14, I've made it! Two weeks clean. I know it's not much, but it's a milestone for me at this point. 

Yesterday I had sudden strike of extreme urges, as if something really wanted me to fall badly. I had a few major slips but thank G-d I managed to realize what's going on and stop it, before it escalated. This happened a few times. It always surprises me how these urges can suck me in, like a vortex, and how almost oblivious I am when it's happening. I resisted. I thank G-d I didn't give in and I'm so happy now. Must stay vigilant. 

I have a difficult phase in my life, lots of things going on at once, but this 14 days are giving me hope and strength for future. Praying for you, brothers.

Boom, I fell. What a shame... It was not worth it, as always. 
I'm starting up again. 
Not much here to say except for the quote below. I found it one time and read it after the fall, to remind myself what to do. Perhaps some of you  guys will find it useful too.

I'm sorry to hear you fell, but that was a great quote you posted.  Thanks for including that.  Sometime it's just a matter of a shift in our perspectives. 

Here I am, starting again... Last night I fell after 5 days. I had a really good streak, not many urges really, then boom - I didn't switch off my phone like I should.
I can't seem to last a week. It's getting frustrating again. I've installed the Fortify app, hopefully new tool will be helpful...

Testero wrote on 04 Sep 2020 15:54:

My friend, you're a valiant warrior. You are filled to the brim with the drive to fight and win. Kol hakavod!

My question is: Are you only focusing on the fact that it's a sin and you know it's wrong to indulge, or are you simultaneously working on gaining respect for the positive attributes of being clean?

Learning to love and appreciate the good and pure, and not just to despise the bad will help you achieve your goals.

When fighting an urge, let your thoughts be about how much you want to stay clean, about how beautiful every breath is when in control, in addition to the understanding of why its wrong.

Read inspiring articles, learn sefarim, talk to Hashem and focus on the positive.

Do what's right because it's right and not only because it's not wrong.

                                   Grant

Testero wrote on 04 Sep 2020 15:54:

Where did you disappear to? We missed you. Constantly report, through your successes and your failures. When you think its going well, let us know. And when its not, also let us know. Because we care.

Day 5. Still clean. Thank G-d. That feels good. I was very busy lately, didn't have time to reply on the forum but also didn't have time to think too much about the struggle. That's good I guess.
Grant400 - thank you for wise words, I agree 100%. Sometimes it's easy to focus too much on the bad things. Focusing on what is good and valuable helps me to eliminate the bad ones along the way.
ITK - thank you very much for your support! These simple words mean a lot. I feel very lucky to have someone to share my struggle with. Congrats on your 17 days. by the way. Hope to hear it from you in 12 days.

Testero wrote on 09 Sep 2020 12:11:

Baruch Hashem you're keeping busy. It is good. Being clean doesn't mean 'I think about it all day but I don't act on it.' Keeping clean is getting to the point you just don't think about it anymore. 

Keep it up. We wanna see that number climb way past 17, never to fall again.

Hey guys, I've got good news - I've been clean for 14 days!
Recently I've been very busy in many areas of my life and I guess it helped a lot - again. Come to think of it, my current record (37 days) also happened during that time. I'm confident, that G-d sends me all these challenges to help me grow and achieve greatness.

I was so occupied, that there were days when I totally forgot about the struggle, or was simply too tired to follow the urges. I keep my discipline to switch off the phone in the evening (auto switch-off, great function), so I don't stay online alone, when it's late. Sometimes though, I need to turn it on for some valid reason and that's when I have to be really careful.

Well, yesterday was on of those times and of course I stayed online (easy to lower your guard, when you're tired). Instead of going to bed, I stayed online to read something interesting, but in the back of my head I knew why I was there. Soon I found myself looking at things I shouldn't be looking at. I slipped. Thank G-d, I quickly realized what's going on and abstained. I became triggered though. The real battle began.

I had all the opportunities to fall so it was very difficult to resist before I go to bed (and later in bed too). I recalled all the wise words I've read. It helped for a moment, the urges went away. Then they came back.
I reminded myself why it's not worth it. It helped, then they came back again.
And again...
And again...
It was probably the hardest battle in last two weeks, but I've made it! And it feels great! I feel strong and confident now. I keep my path straight and I know that I do the right thing. Here's a message to you, brothers, and to future me, when the doubts come: Remember! There is a way out of this!

Looking at the forum I also realized something - I've been in the exact same situation not that long ago. Two weeks straight, then sudden urges, followed by hard battle which I eventually won and... I fell soon after. I know the temptations will come. I plan to fill my mind and heart with wisdom this time. I found this excellent series "The Fight" (thank you Captain!) and commit to find time to listen to it, at least for the next few days.

ITK - Congrats on day 26! You're a great warrior. You're my advance guard, I'll be watching your back.

Last two things I found today:
1) This short helpful inspiration, about the attitude to fight it one day at a time.
2) Great post by DavidT. 10 truths about us, the struggle and the loving G-d.

Stay strong brothers, keep up the fight and get up as soon as you fall. I pray for you, please pray for me.

That was amazing to read. Thank you. Thank you so much. This sort of demonstration of sheer strength is just what I needed to hear. So thank you.

p.s. did I say thank you yet?