Boruch Hashem! Wonderful to hear!

​Sorry to be inquisitive, why you don't you masturbate? (Obviously not saying you should, but just wanna hear why)

BHYY wrote on 07 Mar 2021 18:51:

Sorry to heard you feel so frustrated. 
Can you plan something into your schedule to do just after every long lecture that you look forward to? It doesn't have to be something big, maybe just a walk or some exercise, or eat some food you like. 

I really struggled having shiur in zoom(and I don't get frustrated at my Rebbe), and often I would act out just after it finished, which is when I was most vunderable. Perhaps you feel the same way. Doing something in the first 5 minutes after staring at a screen for ages sometimes helps to snap out of the negative mood I was in. That's not to say it's easy though, often I knew what I needed to do, but following a plan is seperate step

Oy Rabosai, what a lonely day. 
The first thing after Shacharis was sit down to class. I really wish I could have a short chavrusashaft but that's out of the question. Bez"H i'll try to learn something next week before turning on Zoom, that's the way I want to start my day. This professor is a bad teacher. He's boring, hard to pay attention to, and I just don't get anything out of his class. The thing is, it's six and a half hours long. You ever sit through something for 6.5 hours and not know what's flying? Not good for your stress or self esteem for the matter. Try doing that weekly. With exams thrown in for good measure. All I want to do is escape. And escape I did. With 2 falls I slugged through class today.
Then I did some chessed for around an hour and a half...my only human interaction so far today. My night seder chavrusa cancelled. So I'm back here, lonely, depressed, and stuck in my head.
I'm going to go to night seder, listen to a good shiur. But then I'll come back and be alone again.
I really have to study. Not thinking about class after 6.5 hours is really out of the question...unfortunately.
I've made a lot of changes lately. Big changes.
I gave up my smartphone, which-for better or for worse-was a companion. Definitely not healthy and I'm glad I did it but it adds to the loneliness (if only because I can't browse GYE when I'm bored). I also have been actively participating in YESOD since Shovavim. So reading things like secular news (even those considered "clean" like the Wall Street Journal) is off the table. Most of all was giving up secular books and novels. They were always my escape. A good thriller was my relaxation. Hours I would recharge by getting lost in someone else's world. But, alas, there is always going to be suggestive content and Goyim's view of marriage is not something a Yeshiva bochur should be reading. I have books I got, some great books from Artscroll, some memoirs about the Holocaust, I even tried some frum novels, but they're not the same. Ani Maamin B'Emunah Sheleima that this is all worth it.
It just adds to my loneliness at the moment.
There's not much of a chevra in Yeshiva anymore as a lot are married and the ones that are still single are either dating or just not around.
Quiet. Lonely.

I'm taking to myself here...

pesach is coming... we need hashem to take us out of Mitzrayim...

Mussar, Chizuk and inspiration are all niceties that don't always work very well with addiction. The only thing that can take us out of this Mitzrayim is a "strong hand".

There are two ways that this can be accomplished, either by willingly making the addiction suffer (like the 10 plagues on the Egyptians) or if Hashem pours suffering on the addict himself until he hits bottom and is ready to let Hashem take him out (like the suffering the Yidden underwent in Mitzrayim).

Of these two options, which one do we choose? Are we willing to cause suffering and "dinim" on the addiction by making strong fences for ourselves (like the TaPHSiC method), or will we have to wait until Hashem takes us out with His strong hand, like when our wives find out or our name gets ruined, or we lose our jobs, self-respect, our children's respect, our marriage, etc, chas veshalom?

Chazal tell us that when there is din limata (judgment below), there is no din limala (judgment above). For example, when Pinchas killed Zimri he halted the din limala and the plague stopped. Basically, this is the same idea. If we choose to make "din limata" and create "dinim" for ourselves on the addiction by making shvuos, fences and knasos, then Hashem helps us mercifully and takes us out of Mitzrayim will much less personal suffering. But if we don't take this route of din limata, we may only be ready to leave Mitzrayim when we hit-bottom, r"l, and then we'll finally surrender to Hashem and let Him take us out (the 12-Step approach).

Chizuk, mussar and inspiration are simply not enough when dealing with addiction. We must employ strong-hand tactics if we don't want to hit-bottom, c"v.

Not entirely sure why this is in my thread...
I speak to a Rebbe, I see a therapist, I go to SMART meetings.
I gave up my smartphone, I gave up secular entertainment.
Yet, you seem to insinuate I'm not doing enough?

BHYY wrote on 08 Mar 2021 01:01:

I'm hinting at the 12 step approach. 
Did you surrender to Hashem and let Him keep you clean?
The 12 step program teaches us that we are powerless... as long as it's ME doing , I'll fail, but if i acknowledge that I'm powerless and Hashem is the only one that can save me and I give myself completely over to his care , then we have a chance to heal... 

if you feel that  this approach does not apply to you then disregard and I apologize.  Just trying to help.

I've been avoiding saying this but I guess I'll put it out now.
I'm not an addict. I struggle with my Yetzer Hora. Don't take it from me, take it from my therapist and GYEers I've spoken to.
The reason I've avoided saying it and shrugging off when people say "us addicts" in my thread is because, what difference does it make? We're all here for one reason, why brand us with titles?
12 steps does not work for me. Why? Because I don't feel powerless. I feel I can fight the urges, I just need to strategize better. Hence why I started going to SMART meetings.
Please don't read my earlier post as yeiush, B"H I don't go down that hole anymore. I try to stay as far away from that as possible. I was just feeling down and wanted to write out my feelings and share them with the chashuve oilam (and maybe get some virtual hugs...)

BHYY wrote on 08 Mar 2021 01:19:

Great! We all have our ups and downs.
Staying away from Yeiush is the key to winning over the yetzer hara.  You may be losing some battles but you have already won the war!
Please forgive me for my prprevious post  (I also have my shortcomings and issues) and keep up the good fight!

BHYY wrote on 08 Mar 2021 00:11:

YOU. ARE. AWE. SOME. 

Just wondering, why do you not have more human interaction? A street minyan or something? 

starting wrote on 08 Mar 2021 06:30:

Thanks 
Maybe "interaction" was a bad choice of words. I went to minyan, I went to night seder, I did chessed with others. The word I was looking for was human companionship.

Yeah the counter is back...I couldn't stay away. It's like an addicting game.
Here's a thought I had last night:
These past couple of weeks I've been beating myself up because I fell after a long streak.
But since then I've managed to go ~5 days clean between falls. Here's news: I never was able to do even that consistently before my streak! Progress!

We gotta recognize our accomplishments!
The past is the past we cant change it but the future is in our hands.

As you said,
Beating ourselves up in my limited understanding doesn't help anyone..and almost certainly not now when we have to focus on working on ourselves. It would be detrimental to our goals.

BHYY, read through your thread. It is full of gadlus. Your wife will iyh be one fortunate woman. And, maybe drop all those courses you kvetch about. I hereby grant you a degree in psychology...….

Hashem Help Me wrote on 09 Mar 2021 12:27:

Thank you!
Please send to my forwarding address: 613 Mitzvah Blvd
So glad I don't have to take this exam now...

I have a tremendous urge now to watch and act out.
Even the knas I accepted upon myself is not enough to keep me back. I am simply not giving in now because I know I will feel absolutely horrible afterwards.