Gorgeous Mashal!

Thanks so. I have, it's something that I have t really been able to resonate with until I was out of the filth... Now it has a whole we meaning... At firsts thoughts 'twas just judgmental. 

Kabalas Hatora... I tried to throw myself this past holiday of Shavuot. There was definitely a different feeling, when, pretty much most of the time, my goal was to learn... Even if it was a little. I tried to apply the one piece at a time to my learning. I did a mishna here and there, a daf, or half an amud here or there... Which emended up me to to completing my goals of learning for over shavuos. Truthfully I didn't finish the full two daf that I wanted to ,I've ahead in... But I did the last amud today... And nu Torah is Torah whether it's learned on shavuos or a random Sunday. I actually feel pretty accomplished. I also spent time with my sisters learning and going through the entire megillas rus, a task that my old self would have NEVER EVER dreamed of... We always fought and were at odds with each other, now wherelearnjng torah for a coup,e hours strait enjoying each other's company. That not to say we didn't have disagreements... But it is an experience that was so far flung from my mind a couple of years ago... I think at some point I actually hated on elf my sisters... Now there's love. I'm gonna continue to apply the one at a time ideology to Torah... And life of course, the more I flex that muscle the better I get... The more I get done. I really believe with this method alone I can have a chance to be mekabel Torah learning not only as a chiyuv, but also as an enjoyed hobby... To get hanaas Torah.

Yesterday was difficult. In other times I can see that my difficulties with porn were usually assosiated with low level thinking and sad thoughts of lonlieness... Yesterday it was about porn. I was able to backtrack after that the stress was probably caused by my sisters getting into a huge fight. This made me feel a bit better, and there was a point in the day where I was calm and content... But it was still difficult. I did reach out to my psychologist, which was a buetfuk thing that I asked for help, a huge kudos to myself for that. Also, the taphsic method is in my head, I think about it a bunch, and the knasim definitely do make me think twice before running to a computer. 

Earlier in the day I watched a seminar ran by Eli Nash who spoke with spouses of addicts, and how they felt and recovered. Two big points that I have been hearing lately assosiated with addiction is SHAME, and asking for help. I want to understand a bit more what they mean when they talk about shame... And why there understanding of it helps. 

Lately something I've been noticing in myself is "kosher triggers", although I'm not looking at anything crazy explicit, nothing explicit at all actually, not even models. But, if I feel I have the chance to get some sort of RUSH, whether it's reading over someone's story in a forum, or a pretty girl in a seminar... These are kosher, but I notice myself seeking them out. I want to stop this, it's a path that will lead to destruction, either I'm gonna watch porn or I'm not. I can't control myself because of the disease I have, I'm not flawed, I just have something else to work on. 

Another thing they spoke about is about planting seeds early on for people so eventually they can have a real and complete paradigm shift. Not everyone can can handle change right away, so you got to break it down in to prices slowly. Also, for yourself, your body is a great indicator of where you are holding mentally. In myself, I see I still have acid reflux, smelly breath, and teeth grinding, all associated with stress. I'm gonna ask my psychologist if he is holding anything back from me, and if so, just let it out and let me work on it. I want the emes. 
Something I've notices is that I have a crazy disgust for certain types of sexuality, I wonder what that means. I am at the point in my struggle where I'm not really afraid of anything anymore, if I feel it, I'm gonna talk about it.

List to talk with psychologist
Surrender
Shame
Sexuality
Holding info back?... Why am I stressed

p.s. As I type this, I have really strong desire to act out, I'm using my steps and running through the motions, ODAAT though, we'll see how it goes I guess

On your first point. Just one simple idea. Shame stops alot of people from selling help.

Other areas of shame is, when succeeding is not spoken about, yet it's there, it automatically brings to shame. In the frum world, sexuality was not spoken about, yet almost all of us discovered it, which brings us to shame. More specifically toxic shame. Toxic shame happens when we love with a big secret, something that is not spoken of. Kinda like mental illness was ( and still is to a certain degree) it was always kept under the rug.

"kosher" triggers? I'm taking meat and milk and cooking it together in my lust brain. Is it still kosher?

Singularity wrote on 02 Jun 2020 04:10:

Thinking about it... you cant be more right. In the end of the day its not kosher, i guess because i qualified as simply just allowing myself a rush of lust... even f its not porn or pictures, or even sex... its still not kosher. Im going to try to explore that point more in depth.

Well, to those whove been taging along, thank you... and to tell the truth as i type this, im kind of ok... which is good i think... well see how i feel later. I had a fall, more like 2. I masterbated and watched porn 2 times each, to break my long, and RECORD BREAKING 26+ days streak bh. I cant express the true gratitude that i feel towards you guys, thanks for staying with me.

Of course now ive got to put my money where my mouth is, every day is your first day... especially on your first day after a fall (duh). Time to reset, refresh, and see what worked, maybe sprinkle a bit more strategy on, maybe take some spice off... to eventually fnd the write combo for a great long lasting recipe for success.

Going through adn looking back at my fall, this time i think was different than any other time ive had a fall. Im not sure what the main stressers were that pushed me over the top, but there was some fighting in my house, and the wet dreams ive had truthfully have been really triggering. I must have had over 10 dreams of looking up porn, masterbating... waking up to realize nothing happened, and im 15 days clean bh. Yesterday was difficult, but i reached out directly and doged a bullet i guess. I dd the same today, reached out for a bit. THe taphsic definitaley got me to think about my decsions, i thought i was going to go strait to the computer, but because of the neder i went for a walk first, then i took the high rode and offered to drive my mom to the bank to get myself out of the house... wow was i commited. The cool thing also is that it wasnt really much of an exhaustng active effort, a lot of my decisions were calming and passive. After doing fortify, gye, and a little bit more... i gave in a little bit, and began browsing old tv shows that i used to watch, going back to old habits, and even though there is nothing crazy triggering, i got myself past the first rung, which was using an unfliltered computer. After maariv, learning, and another walk outside to get out of my neder, i had a fall. 
It was really different this time, a much different experience than i have had before. THe porn wasnt as apealing to me as i thought i would be, and neither was the climax of masterbation. I wasnt even so atracted to the girls in the video truthfully.. just looking for stimulation i guess. Then i went outside for another round of 10 minutes, and had my second fall... which was either "get your moneys worth" "why not you already fell" "maybe it will be different this time" or a comvbinaton of all 3. 

BH  can say overall that the success ive had in the past 26 days, and even more so in the past month and half, have been exponential. I worked hard, i planed, i fought, i acted... what more can i ask of myself?
To see this tangable progress, to see that my porn experience wasnt really that apealing as much to me any more, is a huge sign of inner change, something that isnt always veiwed so easily. The way i fought, pushed it off, and truthfully the past 26 days i can say have been the most beneficial to my struggle since it began. I can atribute that to taking everything that i have learned over the past 9 years of my life, and aplied it all to the best of my capability, all hands on. AND IT WORKED.

BEZH i will continue this battle, reestablish why im fighting, and how to fight, and continue to be commited to lasting success... all with the help of Hashem.

THanks for reading all that, it means a lot, i hope it gives someone a boost, but  know at least that i can always look back at this post and be proud. To all those that helped get me here, your the reason why i will eventually get free... you and me one moment at a time, well conquer the world.
I am A proud human, a proud jew, and a proud member of the GYE family. 
LECHAYIM!! :)) to more success

You know something crazy? 

You're Normal

We all have desires, it's how we control them that defines us

yosef10 wrote on 02 Jun 2020 04:39:

Excellent post brother and great job on your success. I feel confident when I tell you that these slight detours are part of life and part of growing. KOT and keep up the awesome work and thoughtful posts!

Just was prompted by fortify to write a bit about my life before porn, just wrote up a quick memoir , and took out some explicit stuff as to nkt trigger anyone. 

It's actually pretty cool to attempt to think about my life before porn. All I can really recall is being happy... But more than that a life that didn't involve porn is so alien to me... It has been almost a constant focus for the past 5 years of my life. 
At first I didn't really know what I was doing, the porn I watched when I was much much younger, and then stopped for a bit... I'm not sure why, and curious why. Then I started again sometime in 6th or 7th grade I think. I also don't remember why I started again. I knew it was dirty, and I had small thoughts to keep clean, but I didn't, and I was sort of OK with that. 
The first time I masterbate do and ejaculated, I was wearing jeans, which I didn't like, in grandmas den, I remember what I watched, it was a video where ....., I also remember the video progressing to actually sex, and being totally disgusted with that. Eventually after looking at the  and rubbing for long enough, which also felt good... I ejaculated. I sort of knew what it was because I guessed from the porn I watched, but I was kind of freaked out someone else would find out. I guess that's where the addiction was really fortified... That was the real start.  
I'm not sure if I did it because of seeking pleasure and hormonal bar mitzvah boy, or because a lot of stress in my life. At that point my parents had been divorced after a lot of fighting, my dad had been in jail, I didn't have a good sleep schedule because of YouTube, I was too invested in school, I has 4 parents telling me what to do... Mom dad grandma grandpa... And also at that point grandpa used to make me feel really bad about my father, he used to say how HE was a menuval and would look me right in the eye when he said it. It was terrible... He forced me to go to minyan even if I didn't want to .... Which caused fights with mommy... Same with bar mitzvah lessons. He used to yell at her, which probably also wasn't good for me. 
At that time I used to fight a lot with my older sister, and she would curse at me, I was also starting to hate my younger sister, and my other sister was a non factor. This acting out was probably also because of the stress... Which was probably also why I acted out in third grade... Poor Mrs. ..... She tried hard to make me feel connected, but I really resented all of it. 
I also remember my second grade rebbe, and crying at random times in the classroom, probably because of what was going on at home. Also and I remember this vividly on a snow day... I just used to cry... Whether it was because I didn't feel accomplished or productive that day, or maybe some other stress that was going on at home, or because maybe I have a tendency toward depression... I used to cry and cry and feel bad.... And not even know why. (Similar crying so happened erev Shabbos, before I would say kidush I would brake out and sob, and not know why. 

Wow I've been through a lot... And this isn't the half of it. Just a quick jot down of some of my experiences. 

Ihavestrength wrote on 03 Jun 2020 02:12:

thanks so much, that's what I'm looking forward too... Day one in the books bh... Thanks for the response, really means a lot. 

Keep up the great work! One day at a time you can accomplish a lot!

I am humbled by your post. Some guys grow up with so much going against them. And look what you are doing despite all that. Wow. Iyh you will be one super husband and father.

2 hours away from 3 days, I'm not sure if it feel like I had a fall a really long time ago, or recently. Something I want to look into is if there's a psychological concept of why it's eisoer after I have a fall "even though now that I think about it... The days after I usually had a second time". 

I pretty much bummed around the whole day... Listened to a couple of shiur a, took a nap and did some browsing on a instrument website... I really enjoy looking at guitars, for me it's a work of art... Even though I can't really play much yet the concept of knowing how to play is really appealing I guess) probably have to work at it more... Like most things. I really want to get a hold on these things, the past couple of days, not only did I not get out of bed on time, but I also took naps in the middle of the day. Both of those things lead to dangerous nights, and also just feel like a waste of time. 2 things to solve this, my rebbe who is a psychologist said if your active during the day... Your sleep is more fulfilling, I'm thinking that I didn't get much time out of the house this week,since I was more tired... An important nite for next week... Of course with going to sleep on time as wel. I haven't redone my shvua, even though I paid the knas for the last one, and I've been browsing on screens... Even though there filtered u think too much. I'm pretty much playing with fire... And either because I'm lazy or whatever so got to get on that. 
Goals for next week. Sleep, 2 1 mile runs, less screen time, shvua

I have been keeping up with GYE, doing my fortify program, I even started to meditate again which I've been meaning to do for a while. I think it could be really helpful for my life experience in general, obviously for this as well, so not sure why I push it off? I've also been reading a really good book called waking up just in time, by Rabbi Dr Twersky. Cute ideas revolving around basic 12 steps and how they can apply to life. I would truly recommend it for anybody, in no way is it limited in my opinion to someone who attends meetings, it has a lot of meaningful and practical ideas that brought me to a lot of insights and realizations. I told my mom that I will give it to her when I'm done (she tends to be subconscious about herself). 

Today was a day of forgiveness. II made a couple of mistake. I wasn't so respectful to my grandpa and sister. Even though in the moment. I justified it... I definitely over reacted I think. In the end I made a real apology to both... It was really freeing truthfully. Also, my two other sisters got into a fighting , so I spent a nice amount of time talking to them individually about spending time together on Shabbos in a non hostile fashion. I was caring and listened to both individual, and gave my best advice, listening ear, and was really really really patient (for anyone who has experience with girls talking about fights they've been in knows exactly what I'm talking about... Going in circles over and over and over). Hopefully Shabbos will be nice, but if they end up fighting, nu nu... I did my best, I'll just sit back in no mans land until they both calm down I guess. 

Also another point. I had a lot of insights the day after my fall, but didn't really have the fight or resolve to write them down... So hopefully I'll get to that tomorrow... Or not . 
Layla Tov

Hmm Rabbi Twersky you say? Well you found out my little secret! 

​The Twersky dynasty has a lot of experience with physiological, physical, mental, spiritual, problems. If he says something I wouldn't take it lightly  

Just read the last couple posts. I second what HHM said. I am humbled by your resolve! Keep it up!