Day 10.

Back to day 10. I made a little calculation and found that in the last 132 days--when I started using GYE and 90-day count--I am 122/132 days without pornography and/or masturbation. That would get me an A- (or even an A depending on the teacher). That is definitely an accomplishment that I feel good about. I especially feel good about the 88 day streak that I had. 

Even with the "falls" that I had in the past 4+ months, I can report that they didn't take over my life. Maybe it is a lack of sensitivity to the severity of the issues, but I'd like to think that it is actually a healthy perspective. In earlier years the "falls" would take over. I would view myself through the lens of looking at and doing the naughty stuff. Not anymore! There is much more to me and my whole being than this struggle.

...I have other struggles too! 

Great attitude! Not "throwing in the towel" after falling is a major game changer. It involves learning to accept ourselves as good people despite our imperfections. It is not "a lack of sensitivity to the severity of the issues" at all. At some point we do have to do teshuva for what we have done (in all areas of life....), however our present priority is to be understanding of ourselves. For better or for worse we got into a bad habit (usually at a relatively young age - when we were unaware of how bad this stuff really is), and it takes time and strategy to break out. One major ingredient is developing a healthy and honest sense of self worth. We are good people. There are many wonderful things that we do. We are trying our best to keep our eyes and minds clean. With this attitude we iyh will have the wherewithal to continue doing what it takes to iyh break free.

Day #10.
I hope this isn't becoming a pattern...

A few things different about the last ten days, than the previous two periods of ten days.
#1 - I have an accountability partner through the partner program.
#2 - I have an early morning chavrusa (really early) and I have to get up. That means I have to go to bed at a somewhat reasonable hour. I try to be in bed on or around 11:00. That cuts out a lot of opportunity to "fall" as those late hours 11:30-2:00 are usually the hours when I haven "fallen."

I want to share with you all something about this early morning thing. I didn't arrange the chavrusa in order to address pornography and masturbation. It was simply because I wanted a chavrusa and with my professional responsibilities and my children home all the time (!!!) it is hard to focus in and be productive (on anything, let alone the holy Torah). A byproduct of the chavrusa is that it has helped out in this other area. I found this to be a great chizuk for my emunah. I don't mean to say that if one learns Torah they will be saved from masturbation. My own experience in struggling throughout all of my Kollel years teaches me that this isn't so. However, I do see this byproduct of having an early morning chavrusa as min hashamayim.

The Mesilas Yesharim comments that even if one would try to practice zehirus, vigilance in observance, one would not be able to do so without help from Hashem.

​צופה רשע לצדיק ומבקש להמיתו וה' לא יעזבנו בידו

The evil one [evil inclination] stalks the righteous person and attempts to kill him, G-d doesn't forsake him [the righteous] in his [evil inclination] hand.

My success in all areas of life, not excepting mitzvah observance (including refraining from viewing pornography and masturbating) ultimately does not come from me. I have to try. I have to be vigilant. I have to think about what is the right path to take. But...

וה' לא יעזבנו בידו​

It is ultimately Hashem who will save me from the Yetzer Hara. I wish for myself and all of those reading this that Hashem should save us from the clutches of the Yetzer Hara.

Day 15.

The "going to sleep earlier to wake up earlier" thing has been very helpful. Kind of a game-changer. I hope I can keep it up. Night time, after everyone at home is asleep, is the problem time for me. Morning, before everyone has woken up, has never been an issue for me.

Being a part of GYE since January has helped me to remove a lot of shame around these issues. My untold story of pornography and masturbation issues was a heavy burden that needed to come off. Holding on to that burden was only making it more difficult to stop. Being able to share, read other stories, and engage with others through posting on this forum has been really helpful in chipping away at the shame.

Thank you all for reading.

Day 16.

Sat down on the couch and my wife's unfiltered machine was open. I sat down and instinctively started using it. I opened a web browser with no intention of looking at anything in particular and certainly no intention to look at anything forbidden. Then she said the words, "I'm tired. I'm going to sleep." Alarms went off in my head and I closed the machine. Opening the machine requires a password that I don't know. That was awesome!

That is really scary, good for you that you closed it.
B"H it's nice to hear that you came out on the right end of it.

Once recently I had a really good streak and I was feeling great, really no reason to suspect anything and my wife by mistake left open a problematic site. I didn't need to, nor want to, but the fact that it was there and open, was just too tempting.

Just be careful, that's all I am saying.

Hatzlachah

Good job kutgw

This is such a common problem..I think the bais Yakovs and seminary’s need to start drilling into the girls brains that when they get married,they cannot have unprotected devices sitting around regardless of how erlich they’re husband may be, think about how much pain that could be averted .

20 days. Really great!

Got through day 25! And then...back to day one!

I have seen quite a few posts questioning if it is worth trying for 90 days and beyond if there are no guarantees that there won't be a "fall" soon after the milestone. Before I started GYE at the end of January, I could hardly go for three days without masturbating. It was a particularly challenging period for me. Now, I am going no less than 10 days without engaging in these things. Started with 6, then 88, 10, 10, 10 and 25. That's about 150 "clean" days in five months. That is almost the whole time! I hope that those who read this post who are struggling with long streaks will take a moment to consider my perspective.

I will IY"H go before the Ribbono Shel Olam this Yom Kippur with a heavy heart and do teshuvah for these aveiros, but I will be able to say that I SIGNIFICANTLY decreased the frequency since last Yom Kippur. Yes, we all want to bury these issues, but don't we also want to report to Hashem (AND OURSELVES) that we are improving?

Hatzlacha all. A good Shabbos.

I love this post! I wish more people had your attitude! 

As your name suggests, continuing to get up is the secret to success! 

Keep making Hashem proud! 

Back at 10 days. Thank you to all who read my posts, reply, and/or click the "thank you" button.

I had some struggles two and three weeks ago, but that is life! I hope to get to 90 days this time, but I am more importantly trying to get to 11.

Take care, all!

You have not posted in a few days. How are things?

@HashemHelpMe
Thank you for checking in on me.

Here is the update to my story:
My success is that I have almost eliminated pornography from my life since joining GYE back in January. I regrettably was looking at it 2-3 times a week at least, but I have only viewed pornography four times since January. At the rate I was going, I should've looked at pornography at least 65-100 times since then. Only four times!

Also, before and into COVID-19, I went for 88 days with no pornography or masturbation.

Since that 88 day streak, I have had better weeks and worse weeks in terms of masturbation. I decided this morning that I need to recommit myself to stopping and I came here to post this update.

I want to commit myself, bli neder, to posting once a day or every other day for at least the short-term.

So, here's my first post of this round:
I can't dwell in the past. I can't go back in time and speak to my twelve-year-old self and say, "you might not want to that..." I can only try today. I can only try to better align my behavior with my values. According to my religious perspective, masturbation is wrong. It is within my reach to live according to that value.

Thank you all for reading, replying and clicking "thank you." Please send me a private message if I haven't posted for a more than three or four days to nudge me!

Welcome back! Just your username is already an inspiration. 

Day #1

I have been sleeping on my stomach a lot over the last months. It is more comfortable for me and it is the way I slept as a child. It is a forbidden sleeping position according to Poskim and the rationale is that it can be physically stimulating "below the belt." I have incorrectly and inappropriately ignored that halacha. Unfortunately, that sleeping position has been the cause of some of my recent masturbation "falls."

Last night, I made a decision. I paskened. I will sleep on my side!