B"H Day #98 clean.

Not much to say, B"H urges are back to normal. Keeping myself busy and healthy has been a great help.
There's a maaisse I'd like to bring up, but first a little introduction, please bear with me.
The Baal Shem Tov had some sort of unique minhag. When he would receive news that some other jew had committed a sin he would of course be sad to hear a lashon harah but he'd also review his area of said sin (e.g. another jew was mehallel shabbos, he would review his shemiras shabbos). He would say that everything is Hasgocho Pratis, so when we hear a flaw of a fellow jew, we should examine ourselves too as this could be a message to us and of course refrain from gossiping further.
Now, I have heard C"V of a divorce in a frum couple due to cheating, in my community, just yesterday. I'm thoroughly convinced a jew doesn't wake up and cheat out of the blue. He starts small, with lust, probably P&M and gradually builds it up, until he takes it to the next level. Rabbosai... that shook me to the core, I must say. B"H I have never cheated on my wife with another person, I have been through P&M indeed where one can argue is it or is it not cheating but whatever. Rabbosai... Lust has destroyed this poor man's life. There are as we speak several of his children in this pitiable situation between the separated parents and the news of the why has unfortunately spread. What shocked me even more is that people say the husband who cheated asked for the get, not the wife. To be very honest with everyone here, how many times have I contemplated getting a get and "allowing" myself to let the P&M run loose. Thats crazy!!
C"V of making any gossip here, I didn't even mention any names. All I want is to draw the attention of the people here to the dangers of lust. We so often think we have this under control, I say (to myself included) don't feed the beast. It could control you to do completely stupid things. In fact I reiterate my main previous point, let's not do it for Hashem. Hashem doesn't want you to be clean for Himself. He wants you to do it for yourself. As much as you don't say "I will not cut my arm off, because I love Hashem", thats meshugne, the reason you don't cut your arm off os because you love yourself and your arm. Rabbosai, this man has cut his arm off!! How crazy is that...
It shook me to the core and I wanted to share this with you because I feel it can and should serve as a warning to all of us and that the number #1 reason you should stop is because you love yourself. You don't wanna go that hole. Sorry for the long rant.

B"H #108 days clean.

Been super busy and just got my check-up done. I had a colonoscopy just yesterday, so the day before was the prep day. I had a really bad day, lots of nausea and diarrhea. Then it came to me, this is still infinitely better than the guilt trip I feel when I act out lol. Or, I'd rather go through this everyday but still be sober. So, a lot to be grateful for, also I haven't come back to my doctor but the results look all fine, so, again B"H another thing to be grateful for.
Nothing much to add. B"H I feel like my anxiety med, combined with the tools here have been doing wonders. I still daven to Hashem everyday to keep myself clean. I hope to not let my guard down, I know it can happen when we start getting bigger streaks.

Thank you all for the support!

B"H day #115 clean.
Tryin' not to look down like Dov says lol.
And been slippin' quite a bit, but glad to be back here home in the forums.
I'll try to up my defenses.
Chag Someach everyone.

Do you have a shorter term goal, like until the end of succos or something? 
That is always a help

That's a good idea starting, thanks!
As a matter of fact just erev YK on the shower the tayva came, then I was like wait a minute, you're not gonna do it erev YK, right? That's nuts!!
So the chagim could be some help I guess. I was like imagining how I'd daven knowing I had C"V acted out just before YK. That really helped me refrain. But coming back here, posting a bit, reconnecting, is a great help too.

Hey Snowflake, 

You are doing great! Anytime which has more spirituality, like Y''k, the Yetzer hara tries extra hard, so don't feel bad about having those thoughts on erev yom kippur. 

You should definitely try to set another goal past 90 days. I know for me, resetting the goal and adding every 30 days  was super helpful. 

Yom tov can sometimes be hard so plan well and stay on track. Either way, stay strong and keep up the great work!

Day #128 clean.
B"H again not many urges. I identify myself a lot with willnevergiveup.
He mentioned he gets curious, and that's a very good word to describe myself. I get "curious", just one look, just a peek, "I wonder what she's wearing?" (what a shame lol, but the Alter Rebbe said we shouldn't be ashamed of the thoughts, on the contrary, it's an opportunity to subdue the YH). B"H it hasn't been happening often, but when it does I try to quickly get back on my toes, like, what on earth are you doing/thinking?? And try to look away asap.
As the days go by, I feel like I need to re-strengthen myself.
Yiddishkeit wise things are going better B"H, I'm studying more and davening more. My seder is up-to-date (what a rarity that was pre-tishrei).
GYE wise I feel like If I just stay exactly as I am, I will C"V slip, slip and fall. I should think of ideas to up my defenses or at least keep my goals fresh.
Any ideas?
Thank you all for the support.

Maybe you can try to set a time or two every day to review your commitment,  and the list of reasons why you want to stop and why you will have more pleasure staying clean. Just for a minute or two. Try to make it serious. It also may be easier to set the time right after doing something else, like davening shacharis or mincha or both...this way or will be simpler to remember. 

How about 10 minutes of daily mussar? Getting into something uplifting can upgrade everything. You can try learning chapters of Mesilas Yeshorim that you haven't done before. Or something more random, like Rabbi Avrohom ben Harambam's Sefer Hamaspik (has a great chapter on bitachon). That feeling that "i'm moving upward and growing" helps in many different areas.

Thank you all for the suggestions! They're very useful.
Regards!

So... I fell last night, after +150 days.
Not too depressed, I guess I had it coming.
I wasn't giving my best in yiddishkeit. I will try to use the fall to re-evaluate my plan and to try and focus more on yiddishkeit. I was just focusing too much on work and other "parve" stuff and not studying much Torah, I guess that made me too unmotivated to continue. But nothing like falling and getting back up with more strength. More to come soon.
But I'm alright I guess.

Snowflake wrote on 09 Nov 2020 14:37:

Awesome that you aren't letting it get you down! Hatzlacha! 

I am in awe of you that you are able to come so quickly and post after falling past 150 days. I know it isn't easy to admit defeat, but maybe you are smart enough to realize that you have only had success! 

You have quite alot to be proud of and don't ever look back at the fall only the amount of days you were clean! You may have fell but you landed 150 days higher than when you first started! 

I promise the journey forward now will be easier and this was a huge stepping stone! (You can check my thread to see my progression...)

Sheva Yipol TZADIK, Vkam! Keep up the great work TZADIK! 

Thanks guys!
B"H indeed I try to think positive, like these 150 days were not for naught and I've learned a lot. But still going back to what everyone following here is tired of hearing, the meds have really lessened my compulsion to a great extent. That's why I'm so calm. "I achi amai avad hai issura??" ("If so" - with a gemore tone - "why have you done that issur"? Well, I guess I was curious, well the Y"H has clever means. I don't even know why I did it, but I know I'm not very interested in repeating the experience. Whatever the case, I should try and reach out more here I guess. But the urges have been very much weaker ever since I began treating my anxiety
Anyhow big thanks to everyone following me, and let's get back on track to 90+ ODAAT!
A gut Shabbes for all the GYE family!

We on GYE are never tired of what you have to share! Keep up the great work and I have alot of confidence you will continue to shine!