Thank you very much for the encouraging words, starting and DavidT!
Sorry for the open rant on shidduchim lol, perhaps I'm overdoing it.
Indeed the pain is real, but I can't let it control me. The get process is much more difficult than I could've imagined. We're not even there yet. We've been discussing finances and logistics for more than 3 months already. But Bez"H I feel like we're almost done, and ready for the get.
Anyway, what I'm focusing on right now (on the shidduch thing) is to let go and let G-d. The more I worry about it, the more my YH gets the best out of me. So I'll just keep an open mind, who knows what HKBH has in store for us right? I'll try to keep a more positive attitude.

Right now I've installed a filter, and I'm again, going back to my original strategy. Phone out of the bathroom, even with the filter. Unfortunately I had to ditch the kosher phone. Also I'll go back to having a stronger shmiras einyaim and get back to my seder.

COVID in Brazil has been hitting us hard. Today I had to rush to the supermarket and buy dishes and cutlery for Pessach for my new home. I'll rush to the mikva tomorrow Bez"H to tovel my new Pessach utensils, b/c I think by monday our governor will have closed the shuls. I don't blame him, the death toll is growing exponentially. But I figured if I didn't rush, I'd have to dine in plastic during the seder.
Kinda sad spending Pessach with a broken family. But I'll try not to dwell on it.
Thank you all for the great feedback and yes, I'll keep you posted for better or for worse lol (let's hope for the best!)

I just read through this entire thread.
I have no words. You are one amazing,inspiring and heroic person!
Hatzlocha with all that is going on.

Thanks Lou!!
I actually thought of starting a new thread, so as not to bore new people on reading my whole thread. But if one person got inspired by it (heck you read it all, I must be the one who thanks you for taking the time!), then I didn't make a mistake!
Thanks guys, it's so good to be back to the GYE family.
Another thing I didn't mention is, I'll try and come here everyday. Your support is invaluable.

My dear Snowflake, all I have to say is this. If I were in your situation, I would probably be so far from where you are. You are truly a man of discipline and control. Continue using those wonderful characteristics in all areas of your life. Let your mind win all the battles over your emotions, and never stop living the way you believe you should.

Hatzlacha!

P.S. Even though the warm weather is starting to creep in, please don't make yourself scarce! People like you serve as an honest inspiration to people like me. Keep posting!

Thanks Grant, you too are a great inspiration for me! I say this from the bottom of my heart.
In fact, starting asked me about my strategy. I think one of the cornerstones is coming here everyday, so might as well try my best. Each and every one of you give me chizzuk to fight the big fight.
So today is day #1, B"H clean. Trying not to think much, and to remember the adage that has been said here: "zero deaths have been reported from abstaining". In fact, I'm not having time at all to  think. I got the kids this weekend, pessach and work are keeping me quite busy, which is great. A busy mind is safe.
Thank you all again for the invaluable support and have an amazing Shabbos!!

Day #3
B"H clean.
Weekend with the kids is actually easy, you're busy all the time and the fear of getting caught is enough of a barrier. Was it Rebbi who said in the gemore? Halevai you feared G-d as you feared men. When man is sinning he says "she lo yirani ish" right?
Kinda sick right now. Nothing serious, some body aches and headaches. A bit off and dizzy. I've tested for Covid at a hospital, b/c I might've come in contact with a Covid positive person. But the results may take three days to show up. A tad worried, but since I'm young, even if it's positive, hopefully won't be anything serious.
Anyway, will keep you posted as promised. B"H so far so good and sure hope it was a waste of money testing for Covid.
Have a good woch everyone.

So, unfortunately I had a fall last night.
I think my main trigger right now is loneliness and depression. Although I did feel lonely in the marriage I had, at least there was some company. When the kids leave the house and I'm all by myself I get depressed. Last night I think I made the mistake of looking at our old pictures and that made me very depressed and sad. Maybe time to try harder on moving on... It's something I tell myself everyday, but the thoughts of the old life keep coming back. Thing is, the human mind is quite tricky. I tend to romanticize our old relationship, by remembering only the good moments and minimizing the bad ones. It seems like a bad trigger. It throws me completely off-ground. Best to try and treat it as lust. Any thoughts on that? Anyone also divorced here on GYE?

Edit: On a more positive note, I've resumed an old seder gemore. Torah study was near zero these days, so, I figured it's high time to get back to studying what I enjoy most: Talmud.

Thanks for the usual support.

Snowflake wrote on 16 Mar 2021 14:13:

I think depression and loneliness are something many here suffer with. Thats why we look to ourselves for comfort... I guess my own beginnings can be linked to not having many friends when i was younger.
Also, just want you to know that i've been reading your thread and it has given me strength. 

Snowflake, I can't begin to even imagine the pain you are going through.  I have been following your thread and posts for over a year now.  I daven to Hashem to bring you quick yeshuos 

Thanks bego and Dave!

B"H Day #1 Clean
I don't know what's going on this week. I was (emotionally) fine the past few weeks. Now I'm suddenly quite nostalgic and sad, but whatever, today I'm feeling better already. I'm trying to make a point on moving on and not dwelling on it. Also, studying Torah is helping me keep connected to yiddishkeit. I think I can pull this off if I manage my emotions. That seems to be the bigger challenge. Not lust per se, but using lust as a means to soothe my emotions and loneliness.
Just a while ago I thought I needed lust, but now I realize that obvious truth. Lust was a means to fill in the void. But not only it doesn't fill it, it makes it deeper. So, again, I'm open to suggestions as to what to do when feeling lonely. Perhaps call a friend? I have a few I could call. Kids are going back to their mother's today, so I'd better be ready. Things are so much easier when they're around. Chacham eiynav be rosho right?
Have a nice, clean week everyone.

Snowflake your posts are so clear and articulated. I cannot begin to fathom what you are going through. May Hashem show his love to you openly, instead of the love through hesder which we life in.

Hatzlacha Rabba

Hey guys, thank you all so much for the feedback. It's always encouraging to receive your support.

B"H Day #2 clean. Is it day 2 or 3? I don't really know, but it doesn't matter right? I'm looking at things at a day by day basis now.
So, yesterday I was very tired and a bit lonely, since my kids were leaving. Actually, my eldest son sent me a voice message through the maid that he wanted to stay longer. That broke my heart a lil. Instinctively I remembered HALT (Hungry Angry Lonely Tired). Guess I was LT lol. So I did the best thing I could. Went over to my parents' after work (we live a few blocks apart now). Swam in their pool 1.2km, showered there, ordered dinner and went home kinda late (8 pm). It was great, any urges were gone and I felt so much better. I managed to get an early night's sleep and here I am at work, feeling much better. My seder gemore is going pretty ok I guess for a baal habos. Aiming for 0,5 to 1 daf a day. So far so good.
BTW I tested negative for COVID, B"H. 
Once more, thanks for the support!

Hey there guys.
B"H day 3 clean.
The urges are ok for now, I am only really just trying to manage my emotional state overall. I've finally signed the civil divorce, now only the get is left. One would think the conflict ends with a civil contract. Just today I argued with her again, over finances. Seems like a lifelong struggle. It's pretty tiresome.
I am in the countryside for Shabbos with my parents, which is great, but I miss the kids. It's not my weekend with them today.
Not much to say, just really trying to get over it. Perhaps I will feel better after the get. Free to look for new shidduchim.
Anyway, I will try to keep my head above the water.

Have a great Shabbos everyone.

Hey Snowflake!

I am so sorry to hear you are going through a tough time!  

The pain and struggle must be enormous and the fact that you come onto the forums to get and give chizzuk is heroic! 

I know how much inspiration I have gotten from seeing your posts over the past while, and I hope in that zchus Hashem should alleviate your pain and give you strength to get through these challenges! 

We are all here for you and stay strong! Hashem loves you!

Ok guys, so I have been falling quite a bit over the few days. I started going into yeush C"V. I was actually considering throwing the towel, i.e. just keep doing what I was doing. So, ok, back to day #1. Need to stay clean for Pessach, at the very least (yetzias mitzroim right?). No matter how much I try to convince myself that acting out is not such a bad thing, it is. Sorry for not posting. Took me some guts to come back, but as I keep reading your posts, I remind myself I'm in the right place (here).
So, that's it, back to square (day) one.
Will keep you posted, again sorry for not coming back.