Hi, 
I have b''h reached 104 days, something that I am extremely proud of. For some reason however my tayva to fall again has increased so much in the past two weeks. I do not know what to do. I have filter on my phone, but on my laptop I have KBA- a knas system, where if it catches me fall- then will charge like $200- but now even that charge is not such a deterrent,  and in addition I am on Taphsic, but I just still have this yetzer hara to fall- that is how strong the tayva has been getting. Hirhurim are too much. The only thing that is stopping me is remembering how painful it was last time I had such a long streak and how long it took to get back, and that I want to start dating soon and want to be clean when going through that process. As I type these reasons and think about them, my temptations lessen, but then after a little they come right back up. I honesty  am not enjoying this crazy amount of temptation that I am forcing down. I often say that if I just get over this little rough patch then all will be good but I keep getting back into this bad zone. I am in this horrible pattern of  major hirhurim and tayva, satisfying it a little- whether by letting the thought continue or looking at some immodest pictures (not R-Rated, just not tznius at all- b''h haven't really fallen with any x rated stuff) and then forcing myself to stop a little bit before I am led to fall because I know how much pain it will cause. I feel like this is a dangerous path. If anyone has any helpful suggestions that would be much appreciated. 

It is crazy that I am even considering falling because I know that it will cause much pain in my life, but the yetzer hara is so devious and comes up with crazy arguments that if not battled intensely- can easily persuade me to do what I intellectually know is worse for me. I am really scared that the battle is going to become too much for me. 

Hello my friend sounds like a tough situation that I know to well..
you write how you struggle with the strong desires , but what is triggering it ? is it stress ,anxiety, low self esteem, tiredness, etc. if we understand what problem we are using lusting to solve than we could deal with it in a healthy way.
Hatzlachah

AStrugglingJew wrote on 06 Oct 2019 22:52:

Do you have people who you keep in touch with regarding your addiction? At times when you're head is going insane there is nothing like a phone call to a smart person who has achieved a big streak of sobriety. To calm you down. Because you are fine it is all in your head...........and when you try fighting against your head you are bound to lose. You need to call someone to calm you down and truly get you back into stable thinking.

 Love Yankel, feel free to reach out buddy.

Welcome. It should be with hatzlocha. Many guys here including me went through this. You can b'ezras Hashem get past it. Accept the offers for help. A good GYE chaver is one of the best strategies to stay clean. It's what saved me.

The key is that you are greater than the temptation. Allow yourself to associate with something else. 

104 days is great! But saying it that way sells it far short of the accomplishment it is. Say it like this: Thousands of times you have said no to the yetzer hora, each one a priceless accomplishment! It's way more than a streak of not messing up: It's literally thousands of incredible merits!

Keep up the great work!

Treat the urge to fall as an external thought

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/beyond-self-destructive-behavior/201601/mindfulness-in-the-treatment-self-destructive-behavior

Thought this was really good advice. Thanks

Hey friend,

Sorry we got off on the wrong foot in the chattin' section. Most (but not all) of the people hear (jk) will say that I'm a pretty decent guy, so let's give it another go. Ok?

I spotted three threads of yours where you basically wrote the same thin'; you are on a streak but still have desires. What to do? You wrote that your thought process is that the longer you stay away from actin' out, the better of you'll be. Well, that is true in a sense, but for many of us, we have found that we will not change if we don't change, and that means internal change. 

Now, some succeed in your way, for maybe the desires weren't so great and didn't overly control them, but many here have found that our body (or soul) became so infected that we needed somethin' more, somethin' positive to remove those attackin' cells. Sort of like plasmapheresis. Some choose Torah and mussar. Others work the steps. Some attend meetings. Others try smart recovery. There are those who chose mindfulness. Some focus on the triggers and the causes. Many ways and the fellows here can offer their experiences.

Godspeed to you

Thank you. Totally agree that real change needs to be made- just easier said than done. Been exploring for awhile, and have been approving- but still a long way to go.

Someone who has gone 121 days is obviously a hero. There will always be tough moments - that's life until Moshiach comes. Do you find yourself constantly battling or just sometimes? 

I feel like I could get a week of minimal struggle, but then I could get many consecutive days where it is very intense. Those periods are not enjoyable and cause much stress

Periods of withdrawal are normal and with time they recede in frequency and intensity. Just keep going and iyh you will be zoche to real menuchas hanefesh.