EscapeArtist wrote on 07 Mar 2019 19:24:

Define normal?

Hatzlacha!

"
Well today I had unfortunately a family levaya... trying very hard to be all somber & reflect on the life of the נפטרת & how she lived a life full of שמחה & she had such a לב טוב & she was always WHOA CHECK OUT THAT PRETTY RELATIVE did she get a new sheitel? She looks great! Oh wow look at THAT one...! I wish my wife would... ... ... oh right I'm at a funeral for crying out loud... At least at the cemetery I was able to control my addict-brain right? duh. I'm shoveling dirt into the grave & all I can think is how manly do I look in front of all these women watching... רחמנא ליצלן.
Does this business ever get better???"

I would theorize you're not "actively" thinking those thoughts. Rather it's like, they're coming to your mind by themselves. 

Hakolhevel wrote on 10 Mar 2019 06:57:

By normal I mean having the frame of mind in sync with the situation... let a trip to the secretary be just a trip to the secretary, a funeral just a funeral etc., without the addict-brain kicking in (automatically or not, I have no idea). 
Anyways, my wife had to go out of town for 3 days, leaving me with a bunch of adorable kids & a not-so-adorable addict-brain... Generally a recipe for disaster, but trying to stay in touch with GYE & SA friends & do stepwork (never mind all the other work I have to catch up on...), so far I'm pretty ok, ברוך השם!

AAAaaaaAAAaarrrGGGhhh!!!!!! (Any addicts out there relate to that statement?)
I was wasting time at work & some woman got stuck in my head; eating at me for hours, till I surprisingly came very close to Z"L & stopped (whatever I was doing) abruptly. I was too scared to check if any drop did actually come out... I'm still hoping to get out of this rut & back to where I was a week ago...
Usually once lust comes this far through the door though, it sticks around at least for some coffee & cake... maybe even long enough for some woodford...sigh.
Didn't update my chart for today yet. Not sure what to call myself...

you probably need some TEQUILA?

EscapeArtist wrote on 13 Mar 2019 01:08:

Call yourself an addict and move the hell on, and please stop worrying about that drop.

Wondering what to call yourself is just another excuse to keep wallowing in the mud. 

I did some thing really bad today
Wasn't really my fault. Maybe it was. Who cares anyways?
I know I'm not supposed to say explicit details here, but I need to get it out, so if you're afraid of getting triggered, or under 18, don't read on...
...
...I fell asleep by the Shabbos seudah.
...(sorry.)
The kids were going wild on sugar-highs, fighting about next years costumes, table was full of dirty dishes & I was just conked out in some awkward lopsided-neck position in my seat...
When I finally awoke to a clean table & kids happily eating dessert (more sugar), I could feel those "vibes" from the וַייבּ (ouch - sorry again)... Without her saying a word I can hear all that kvetching about how hard she works to prepare this whole meal & then serving & cleaning up & feeding kids while her good-for-nothing husband ( - who already has this huge חסרון of being a S-addict - ) just sits there poofing away...
The resentments started building up while I sat there feeling sorry for myself... why do I put up with this... doesn't she get how hard my life is...???? It's a miracle I got through the day without acting out...
מוצאי שבת I decide to try this newfangled idea people talk about called "sharing your feelings". While doing dishes (pat me on the back will ya?) I asked her if she was upset at me at the seudah today...
"Not at all, what do you mean?".. "I fell asleep"... "So what? I know how exhausted you are!"..."oh."..."Thanks for asking though."
Yeah, I'm not sure what exactly the point of this post is either... 
Just figuring this "feelings" business out for myself, & probably it helps for others to hear also. Till recently I didn't even realize this was a real עבודה that has to be worked on, I just thought we're supposed to be "sensitive" - whatever that means. But as I start this adventure I realize how much of my own issues are based on my perception of things, -my "feelings", which can be completely distorted from reality. I'm stuck on a lonely deserted island that doesn't really exist.
And even when she does have טענות on me, it's certainly more helpful to bring it out & discuss, then to let it sit in my belly feeding my diseased brain...
OK I'll stop ranting now. What? I wasn't ranting? Sorry. Not sorry. I don't know...
Thanks for letting me share, regardless!   

Next time try having some coffee with your tequila....

Already did (apparently). Was gross.

This story you wrote really resonated with me. For me, these things usually happen at weddings. There I am, dancing with my friends from yeshiva, doing our best to make the chatan, also a friend, happy on his big night, everyone's in the moment: happiness, kedusha, building a בית נאמן בישראל, and suddenly I'm like: Whoa, check out etc, etc....... 
And then I beat myself up for thinking such things completely at the wrong time (as if there even is a right time)... 

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 24 Mar 2019 03:10:

White Mexican ?

Having a rough day..
Going through some particularly hard time with my wife... My job has been very לא יצלח'דיק lately...  have very little חשק to learn... Getting that feeling that acting out is the only way to escape it all...
Then again, at the very least I'm מחשיב myself for working this hard to stay clean for this long... no way I wanna give THAT up!
The Eibishter should continue to help us all!

EscapeArtist wrote on 27 Mar 2019 17:57:

sorry to hear that. what's up with the wife? "wife issues" are something I am very familiar with (although getting out of them may be a struggle). sorry about the job - any options? learning....hmmm....they say when the cheishek is down, learn some more!

Glad to see your can-do-positive attitude; hope you can keep that up, although a concrete plan for that might be good. i think you mentioned that you go to meetings, so that's good.

take care good buddy

Hey you reached 90 days! Let's throw a party.