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Starting over again, seriously
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TOPIC: Starting over again, seriously 7904 Views

Re: Starting over again, seriously 23 Dec 2020 02:47 #359452

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Welcome back! Nice to see you again. Have you spoken with anyone?
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com

My threads: Lessons Learned: guardyoureyes.com/forum/20-Important-Threads/335248-Lessons-Learned

                    My Story and G-d Bless GYE: guardyoureyes.com/forum/17-Balei-Battims-Forum/303036-My-story-and-G-d-bless-GYE

Re: Starting over again, seriously 23 Dec 2020 03:14 #359453

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Great to see you here again. I don't have much to say except we love ya.
My Thread:The Road To Being Honest With Myself (and others:)

My other Thread: My Daily Inspiration

I'm not a slow learner, I'm just quick to forget" - Eli Nash

A bit of honesty and less over confidence might help me - Imperfection

Re: Starting over again, seriously 23 Dec 2020 03:24 #359454

Thistimeillwin wrote on 23 Dec 2020 02:35:
Wow!

It's been almost 2 years since I fell off the map.

Welcome back!

I'm sad to let everyone know that in that time I had almost daily falls.  My life was in shambles with many personal and professional challenges, a sick child, a crash course in the professional world etc.

It sounds like falls were your way of coping with your personal and professional challenges. I can relate to that. 

Hashem has been good to me, and let me wake up each morning. 

Hashem does not want our death, but rather our teshuvah and life.

Even more, He made my problems subside, though it was really a long haul getting there.  And I decided to pick up the pieces of my journey to sin-sobriety.

Hatzlochoh!

My challenges led me to many travels, far away from home and family.  I almost succumbed to greater sin while out of town, but He put many roadbocks in my way.  Continuing blindly in my lust, I overcame each challenge, but got too tired to invite the person to my room...

That is amazing that you can see Hashem's intervention in stopping you from doing "greater sin." 

B'H for COVID, the traveling has ended, and so has that opportunity. HOW GREAT IS HASHEM!!!

That is how to grow from COVID! Awesome! 

I need the oilam's encouragement, as I am having a hard time.  The first couple of days were easy, but the 'itch' to act out keeps coming back the past few days, today especially.

Encouragement!

I thought I was a goner in terms of my struggle with pornography and masturbation. GYE helped me to take the struggle more seriously, reflect on what works and what doesn't and feel comforted that other people, other religious people, have the same struggle and are dealing with it. I have made leaps and bounds, you can too, holy brother.

Re: Starting over again, seriously 23 Dec 2020 04:23 #359456

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Hi this-time!

I cannot tell you how much it means to us to have you back in the community. What gets me through every night is a new "Yosef Hatzadik" - and tonight that person is you!

I am now "33 days old." and I truly believe that each one of my newfound friends is a special malach sent my way to help me remain pure. One day at a time...

Please stay here. We are truly proud of these 7 days (the entire pamalia shel maalah is as well!). I don't know if I could have withstood the temptations on those business trips (nor do I know whether I would have received the Heavenly intervention that you saw), so I hold you in high esteem.

Stay strong, brother.

90dys

ה׳ עמך גבור החיל! [שופטים ו׳ יב׳]

 Perhaps you can find chizuk from my thread at guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/356161-Intro 

Feel free to reach out to me at
jackz90dys@gmail.com

Re: Starting over again, seriously 24 Dec 2020 13:21 #359626

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Yesterday was a bummer.  I didn't get to the Bais Medrash.  Everything I tried doing at work just didn't go.  Got stuck on the phone with people and companies I had no time or interest for.  And have piles of critical work left over which may never get done.  I accomplished nothing!

Yesterday was amazing.  Though I sat alone most of the day, I didn't view anything appropriate.  Though I had many frustrating moments, I didn't let it out unhealthily.  Though I was stuck with nothing to do for a few periods of time, I did not do what I usually do to pass the time.  The 'itch' was there all day but I did not succumb.  I feel accomplished!

Re: Starting over again, seriously 24 Dec 2020 14:21 #359631

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Welcome back! You already sound stronger and in a better place. 

What's the longer term plan? What's going to change? 

Re: Starting over again, seriously 24 Dec 2020 14:51 #359634

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That's a very hard question. It's one that has had me avoiding rejoining GYE for a while.  I also have very little time to contemplate properly.  At the end, I just took the plunge and will have to navigate as I go along.

One commitment I've made bl"n is not to leave GYE just because I fell, that will help me get up quickly. That's not easy because by nature I'm an 'all or nothing guy.'  Either I'm having a great clean streak or I'm falling daily (or more often).  While I am having a clean streak I am much stronger and able to continue.  The moment I fall, I really have no strategy from avoiding giving up.  Maybe forcing me to 'face' my fellow GYEers, and to see everyone else still in the race, will get me to pick myself up again quickly.

Re: Starting over again, seriously 24 Dec 2020 15:02 #359635

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Thistimeillwin wrote on 24 Dec 2020 14:51:
That's a very hard question. It's one that has had me avoiding rejoining GYE for a while.  I also have very little time to contemplate properly.  At the end, I just took the plunge and will have to navigate as I go along.

One commitment I've made bl"n is not to leave GYE just because I fell, that will help me get up quickly. That's not easy because by nature I'm an 'all or nothing guy.'  Either I'm having a great clean streak or I'm falling daily (or more often).  While I am having a clean streak I am much stronger and able to continue.  The moment I fall, I really have no strategy from avoiding giving up.  Maybe forcing me to 'face' my fellow GYEers, and to see everyone else still in the race, will get me to pick myself up again quickly.

That is great! But for longer lasting benefits, there must be an internal change too. Like mentioned here many times, all these tools are a great help, and the methods how to keep ourselves on the straight and narrow. But the only real way to have a long term plan, is with changing ourselves.

We must begin to view urges and lust in a different light. In the light of truth and reality. Not in the artificial brightness of lust. We cannot be blinded anymore by the million watts of desire. Starting to understand the deeper truth with an honesty, and implementing methods to keep that in the forefront of your mind constantly, is the only way to remain in control of our animalistic instincts.

                                 Grant

Re: Starting over again, seriously 24 Dec 2020 15:25 #359638

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I'm the same way. I think we live in a generation when many of us are "all or nothing," especially in this area.

Ashrecha for continuing to push forward and giving me (and I'm sure others) the strength to continue pushing forward as well!

Re: Starting over again, seriously 24 Dec 2020 19:31 #359650

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Thistimeillwin wrote on 23 Dec 2020 02:35:
Wow!

It's been almost 2 years since I fell off the map.  I'm sad to let everyone know that in that time I had almost daily falls.  My life was in shambles with many personal and professional challenges, a sick child, a crash course in the professional world etc.
Hashem has been good to me, and let me wake up each morning.  Even more, He made my problems subside, though it was really a long haul getting there.  And I decided to pick up the pieces of my journey to sin-sobriety.
My challenges led me to many travels, far away from home and family.  I almost succumbed to greater sin while out of town, but He put many roadbocks in my way.  Continuing blindly in my lust, I overcame each challenge, but got too tired to invite the person to my room... B'H for COVID, the traveling has ended, and so has that opportunity. HOW GREAT IS HASHEM!!!
I need the oilam's encouragement, as I am having a hard time.  The first couple of days were easy, but the 'itch' to act out keeps coming back the past few days, today especially.

Welcome Back!

Re: Starting over again, seriously 24 Dec 2020 19:34 #359651

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Grant400 wrote on 24 Dec 2020 15:02:

Thistimeillwin wrote on 24 Dec 2020 14:51:
That's a very hard question. It's one that has had me avoiding rejoining GYE for a while.  I also have very little time to contemplate properly.  At the end, I just took the plunge and will have to navigate as I go along.

One commitment I've made bl"n is not to leave GYE just because I fell, that will help me get up quickly. That's not easy because by nature I'm an 'all or nothing guy.'  Either I'm having a great clean streak or I'm falling daily (or more often).  While I am having a clean streak I am much stronger and able to continue.  The moment I fall, I really have no strategy from avoiding giving up.  Maybe forcing me to 'face' my fellow GYEers, and to see everyone else still in the race, will get me to pick myself up again quickly.

That is great! But for longer lasting benefits, there must be an internal change too. Like mentioned here many times, all these tools are a great help, and the methods how to keep ourselves on the straight and narrow. But the only real way to have a long term plan, is with changing ourselves.

We must begin to view urges and lust in a different light. In the light of truth and reality. Not in the artificial brightness of lust. We cannot be blinded anymore by the million watts of desire. Starting to understand the deeper truth with an honesty, and implementing methods to keep that in the forefront of your mind constantly, is the only way to remain in control of our animalistic instincts.

                                 Grant

Massive Yesod.
And speaking to a fellow GYE guy works wonders as well.
Wishing you much Hatzlocha! 

Re: Starting over again, seriously 25 Dec 2020 15:22 #359748

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I hope everyone's having an easy ta'anis.  While weary from lack of food, let's not let our guard down for other indulgences.

B"H today I reached 100 cumulative clean days on GYE!  Granted, it took a couple of years, but it's probably more (intentionally) clean days than the previous fifteen years.  Iy'H I would like to reach 100 consecutive days, but my count is at nine right now, so I'm looking forward to the 30 day mark by next Rosh Chodesh, surpassing my record of 28 days.

I want to 'publicly' thank GYE for creating the website, the forum, the 90 Day Count, and all the bells and whistles which allow me to change the status quo I have had for thirty years. Thirty years ago I learned how to m***e, after hirhurim and arousement from an even younger age, and nothing has helped me nearly as much as this website.

I thank my friends from the forums for helping make the journey less lonely.  The encouragement and inspiration from you and your stories, as well as being able to articulate my feelings and encourage others, creates a bond like no other.

Again, easy fasting and a Gut Shabbos to all!

Re: Starting over again, seriously 28 Dec 2020 12:43 #359967

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It hasn't been an easy weekend.  Thoughts keep creeping into my mind.  Nothing more, but I am finding that half my day is battling the urge to let those thoughts go further...

I'm also concerned for mikva night coming up.  My sobriety is much better when it is zero-tolerance, but after mikva night I often find myself m**ting the next day (talk about the wisdom of chazal).  I know, I'm supposed to rewire my mindset as to s*x with my wife, but as I've previously commented "But if an alcoholic would drink arba kosos with every l'shem yichud and proper kavana, he would still be triggered by the alcohol in his system.  Problem is, there's no grape juice in the bedroom."

A bit of chizuk for the Oilam: I was reading a shmuez from R' Chaim Shmuelevitz over Shabbos on the Parsha (ויגש) and he brings down the medrash that when the nevi'im of the Baal tried bringing the bull to slaughter (during their 'contest' with Eliyohu Hanovi), all 850 nevi'im couldn't get the bull to budge, because it didn't want to be shechted for the Baal.  He says in the name of R' Yisroel Salanter that we could learn from here a lesson in how strong willpower can be (ועיין שם הפרטים).

Yes, we are here to fight smarter.  But we also need to fight harder, and we can.

I hope...

Re: Starting over again, seriously 28 Dec 2020 14:07 #359975

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You're a gevaldige yid, keep it up!
I can relate to feeling like I'm fighting half the day, it's exhausting! When I find myself plagued with fantasy or the like, I just turn to the Eibishter & ask Him to take it away from me, as I'll never last very long trying to fight on my own. Sometimes it works wonders (probably depending on my level of sincerity) & I feel a great sense of freedom & gratitude.
(I personally believe that's why He gave me these nisyoinos, as a tool to desperately reach out & connect to Him more; so now you all know I'm a real loony who claims to understand the way God's mind works...)
In regard to mikvah night, I'm definitely maskim that this is so much easier when everything is off the table entirely. Though I've come to the realization that my problem is lust, not s*x. If I bring lust into the bedroom, it's bound to come back & bite me. If I leave it out, (in my case that means not making any moves to bring myself pleasure - just doing it for her & leaving it to her to decide how much to do for me) הגם it's a lot less "fun", it doesn't trigger my תאוות & also feels much more accomplishing. That's my grape juice

הצלחה!

Re: Starting over again, seriously 28 Dec 2020 15:43 #359990

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Thistimeillwin wrote on 28 Dec 2020 12:43:
It hasn't been an easy weekend.  Thoughts keep creeping into my mind.  Nothing more, but I am finding that half my day is battling the urge to let those thoughts go further...

Don't battle them. Accept them as a thought, and calmly move on with what you were doing. Getting worked up and trying to squeeze the thought out of our head, just causes it to set up lodgings for a longer period of time. 


I'm also concerned for mikva night coming up.  My sobriety is much better when it is zero-tolerance, but after mikva night I often find myself m**ting the next day (talk about the wisdom of chazal).  I know, I'm supposed to rewire my mindset as to s*x with my wife, but as I've previously commented "But if an alcoholic would drink arba kosos with every l'shem yichud and proper kavana, he would still be triggered by the alcohol in his system.  Problem is, there's no grape juice in the bedroom."

This issue is a common problem amongst people like ourselves, who are still in the learning stages of how to properly combat lust. 

I recently posted about this very topic, on a thread called "I think I miss the niddah times". I struggled with this then, and for many weeks after. I don't profess to be holding on the level that I'm about to describe, but I'm definitely much closer to it than I was before. In addition I think, that now I understand the level that if reached makes this complex subject doable. 

What I realized was like many people mentioned, lust and sex with one's wife does not have to go hand in hand. It's possible to enjoy the deed, have tremendous pleasure, yet not be lusting at least not on a major scale. 

The way I'm working on it is as follows. Whenever a thought comes to you during the day, about being with your wife in detail, or you start dreaming about specific aspects in vivid colors, use whatever method you use on a regular basis when face with urges that are wrong, and will never come to fruition. Don't let your mind wander too deeply during the day, even if you know your wife will be available that very night. 

In addition to that, during the actual act try to modify your behavior based on somewhat of a non-lusting approach. For example there are certain things I enjoy that my wife does not, but she is 100% okay to go along with it, so much so that if I don't initiate it, she occasionally offers. I tried to minimize those things as much as possible not to feed into my lust. I don't mean that you must be on a level of a porush or a monk. Of course you can indulge in things you enjoy, but your approach shouldn't be you trying to get as much enjoyment as possible without any regard to anything else, like your wife's feelings, for example. This can manifest itself in many different ways, for me it's specifically works with things that my wife goes along with. You must find your own variation. 

By doing this your experience changes from one of a self-absorbed goal of enjoying it as much as possible no matter what, to an approach of, of course I'm going to enjoy - I'm even allowed to do things that I will cause myself more enjoyment, but that's not the only factor taken into account.

 What you will learn from this, is that it is indeed possible to have grape juice in the bedroom. No you cannot switch the juice for water. But to have it ferment and turn into wine is indeed a decision. 

                                 Grant
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