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Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last?
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TOPIC: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 500 Views

Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 23 Oct 2018 08:04 #336591

  • itonlygetsbetter
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This is my first post, so make sure to hit me with a reply

I had all but given up hope on having a chance to be sober, the urge was simply to strong, but I found GYE, and started the 90 day chart, while also doing the taphsic method.

I am B"H up to day #73 and I really hope I make it to # 90

However I am concerned, I know that this is a one day at a time work, and that's what I am focusing on, however I feel like my real reason why I am sober is because I have the taphisc method that is not allowing me to act out so fast and for free, and I also have the 90 day chart that does not let me fall back, 

I feel that the entire work I am doing now is more min hasofo el hachitz. I mean it is def a great thing and the first step to soberness, stay clean as long as possible and forcing myself to stay clean is a good start, but I still have very strong urges, and without a shevua, or a moment of weakness that It will be "worth" for me to give myself the pleasure even if it means starting to count again, I will lose everything.

So While I am happy where I am and moving another day and another day, I need some advice on help on how to start to get a real clean something that will help me change inside.

A few disclaimers, I assume the majority of you will point out, first that I should fight this one day at a time, and not focus on long term and I agree to that, also you will point out that the lust and urges are here to stay and I am ok with it, thats why we are in this world, my question is how can I, as I am working one day at a time with the external forces, start to work on my inner forces so I wont be so dependent on the chart or shevua?

Please pitch in your thoughts and experiences!!

Thanks to all!!

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 23 Oct 2018 09:41 #336593

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itonlygetsbetter wrote on 23 Oct 2018 08:04:
This is my first post, so make sure to hit me with a reply

I had all but given up hope on having a chance to be sober, the urge was simply to strong, but I found GYE, and started the 90 day chart, while also doing the taphsic method.

I am B"H up to day #73 and I really hope I make it to # 90

However I am concerned, I know that this is a one day at a time work, and that's what I am focusing on, however I feel like my real reason why I am sober is because I have the taphisc method that is not allowing me to act out so fast and for free, and I also have the 90 day chart that does not let me fall back, 

I feel that the entire work I am doing now is more min hasofo el hachitz. I mean it is def a great thing and the first step to soberness, stay clean as long as possible and forcing myself to stay clean is a good start, but I still have very strong urges, and without a shevua, or a moment of weakness that It will be "worth" for me to give myself the pleasure even if it means starting to count again, I will lose everything.

So While I am happy where I am and moving another day and another day, I need some advice on help on how to start to get a real clean something that will help me change inside.

A few disclaimers, I assume the majority of you will point out, first that I should fight this one day at a time, and not focus on long term and I agree to that, also you will point out that the lust and urges are here to stay and I am ok with it, thats why we are in this world, my question is how can I, as I am working one day at a time with the external forces, start to work on my inner forces so I wont be so dependent on the chart or shevua?

Please pitch in your thoughts and experiences!!

Thanks to all!!

What is it about taphsic and the chart that keeps you from using p & m ? Is it achievement, accountability, something else?

Are there other things that you do on GYE, like sharing, reading, etc that could be playing a role on your brain that you are discounting?

If you figure that out then even if you do decide to quit GYE you'll know what you need to stay clean. That's very useful information.

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 23 Oct 2018 10:08 #336594

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mzl wrote on 23 Oct 2018 09:41:

itonlygetsbetter wrote on 23 Oct 2018 08:04:
This is my first post, so make sure to hit me with a reply

I had all but given up hope on having a chance to be sober, the urge was simply to strong, but I found GYE, and started the 90 day chart, while also doing the taphsic method.

I am B"H up to day #73 and I really hope I make it to # 90

However I am concerned, I know that this is a one day at a time work, and that's what I am focusing on, however I feel like my real reason why I am sober is because I have the taphisc method that is not allowing me to act out so fast and for free, and I also have the 90 day chart that does not let me fall back, 

I feel that the entire work I am doing now is more min hasofo el hachitz. I mean it is def a great thing and the first step to soberness, stay clean as long as possible and forcing myself to stay clean is a good start, but I still have very strong urges, and without a shevua, or a moment of weakness that It will be "worth" for me to give myself the pleasure even if it means starting to count again, I will lose everything.

So While I am happy where I am and moving another day and another day, I need some advice on help on how to start to get a real clean something that will help me change inside.

A few disclaimers, I assume the majority of you will point out, first that I should fight this one day at a time, and not focus on long term and I agree to that, also you will point out that the lust and urges are here to stay and I am ok with it, thats why we are in this world, my question is how can I, as I am working one day at a time with the external forces, start to work on my inner forces so I wont be so dependent on the chart or shevua?

Please pitch in your thoughts and experiences!!

Thanks to all!!

What is it about taphsic and the chart that keeps you from using p & m ? Is it achievement, accountability, something else?

Are there other things that you do on GYE, like sharing, reading, etc that could be playing a role on your brain that you are discounting?

If you figure that out then even if you do decide to quit GYE you'll know what you need to stay clean. That's very useful information.

I mean, the taphsic is helping simply because of the fact that it wil be to expensive and exhausting to apply the big knas, and the small knas is probably due to the achievement aht i dont wont to lose, the chart is helping because i feel like i am going towards a goal and i dont want to fall back on all the hard work 

but again, dont think much changed inside regarding controling the urges...

what else is it that you would recommend? i dont do much other stuff at the moment

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 23 Oct 2018 10:21 #336595

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itonlygetsbetter wrote on 23 Oct 2018 10:08:

mzl wrote on 23 Oct 2018 09:41:

itonlygetsbetter wrote on 23 Oct 2018 08:04:
This is my first post, so make sure to hit me with a reply

I had all but given up hope on having a chance to be sober, the urge was simply to strong, but I found GYE, and started the 90 day chart, while also doing the taphsic method.

I am B"H up to day #73 and I really hope I make it to # 90

However I am concerned, I know that this is a one day at a time work, and that's what I am focusing on, however I feel like my real reason why I am sober is because I have the taphisc method that is not allowing me to act out so fast and for free, and I also have the 90 day chart that does not let me fall back, 

I feel that the entire work I am doing now is more min hasofo el hachitz. I mean it is def a great thing and the first step to soberness, stay clean as long as possible and forcing myself to stay clean is a good start, but I still have very strong urges, and without a shevua, or a moment of weakness that It will be "worth" for me to give myself the pleasure even if it means starting to count again, I will lose everything.

So While I am happy where I am and moving another day and another day, I need some advice on help on how to start to get a real clean something that will help me change inside.

A few disclaimers, I assume the majority of you will point out, first that I should fight this one day at a time, and not focus on long term and I agree to that, also you will point out that the lust and urges are here to stay and I am ok with it, thats why we are in this world, my question is how can I, as I am working one day at a time with the external forces, start to work on my inner forces so I wont be so dependent on the chart or shevua?

Please pitch in your thoughts and experiences!!

Thanks to all!!

What is it about taphsic and the chart that keeps you from using p & m ? Is it achievement, accountability, something else?

Are there other things that you do on GYE, like sharing, reading, etc that could be playing a role on your brain that you are discounting?

If you figure that out then even if you do decide to quit GYE you'll know what you need to stay clean. That's very useful information.

I mean, the taphsic is helping simply because of the fact that it wil be to expensive and exhausting to apply the big knas, and the small knas is probably due to the achievement aht i dont wont to lose, the chart is helping because i feel like i am going towards a goal and i dont want to fall back on all the hard work 

but again, dont think much changed inside regarding controling the urges...

what else is it that you would recommend? i dont do much other stuff at the moment

I think you are saying that you would like something applied to your mind so that you can move on, if need be, and have a reasonable expectation that you will no longer lose control. Am I getting this right?

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 23 Oct 2018 14:10 #336598

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Yes, instead of only holding myself back because i am forced to , I want to manage to control my urges out of want

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 23 Oct 2018 14:20 #336599

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You need to be proactive in filling your life with a connection to Hashem! I would recommend a 12 step program1

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 23 Oct 2018 16:44 #336604

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itonlygetsbetter wrote on 23 Oct 2018 14:10:
Yes, instead of only holding myself back because i am forced to , I want to manage to control my urges out of want

I see. I think this is best illustrated by the concept of the nazirite. One can be a nazirite for a limited time, or for life. The first type does not revert to drinking too much alcohol, while the second will always develop the need again. Both only stop out of fear. Seemingly if you are in the first group you should be able to just walk away, even though you stopped out of fear. But understand that if you quit GYE you may realize that you are in the second group.

But the fact that the first group exists should give you hope.

There are methods which are not fear-based, but that would throw a monkey wrench in all your achievements so far.

Maybe stick around and help others. Make it a lifestyle. There are so many people who are suffering ...

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 23 Oct 2018 17:09 #336606

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mzl wrote on 23 Oct 2018 16:44:

itonlygetsbetter wrote on 23 Oct 2018 14:10:
Yes, instead of only holding myself back because i am forced to , I want to manage to control my urges out of want

I see. I think this is best illustrated by the concept of the nazirite. One can be a nazirite for a limited time, or for life. The first type does not revert to drinking too much alcohol, while the second will always develop the need again. Both only stop out of fear. Seemingly if you are in the first group you should be able to just walk away, even though you stopped out of fear. But understand that if you quit GYE you may realize that you are in the second group.

But the fact that the first group exists should give you hope.

There are methods which are not fear-based, but that would throw a monkey wrench in all your achievements so far.

Maybe stick around and help others. Make it a lifestyle. There are so many people who are suffering ...

Thanks!, you keep on mentioning quit GYE, I dont know why you say that, I have no intention to quit GYE, I am simply using techniques more of a force and not of change, and I want dont want to rely on force all my life

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 23 Oct 2018 18:04 #336608

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Welcome to GYE!

I am only one day behind you in my 90 day journey so its special connecting with people in the same boat.

I personally recommend (and do for myself) being involved with other people struggling with the same things. For me it means the forums and texting or calling ppl in GYE. for others it means a phone meeting or in person meeting. The benefit of this is helping each other see how to change our lives to subdue our urges, get support so we aren't alone in this, learn techniques from others and get strength from others.

Hatzlacha Im rooting for you!

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 23 Oct 2018 19:01 #336611

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Since I'm new here, may I just ask. what is the taphisc method?

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 24 Oct 2018 00:16 #336622

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Realestatemogul wrote on 23 Oct 2018 18:04:
Welcome to GYE!

I am only one day behind you in my 90 day journey so its special connecting with people in the same boat.

I personally recommend (and do for myself) being involved with other people struggling with the same things. For me it means the forums and texting or calling ppl in GYE. for others it means a phone meeting or in person meeting. The benefit of this is helping each other see how to change our lives to subdue our urges, get support so we aren't alone in this, learn techniques from others and get strength from others.

Hatzlacha Im rooting for you!

We're in the same boat regardless of the difference in days. Please, never forget that. I surely don't, mate.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
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Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE WRITTEN AS A SIMPLE LUSTAHOLIC; THEY ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 24 Oct 2018 02:04 #336626

ohyeah wrote on 23 Oct 2018 19:01:
Since I'm new here, may I just ask. what is the taphisc method?

This article explains what it's about: guardyoureyes.com/tools/taphsic-method

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 24 Oct 2018 14:59 #336644

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100%

But still something about someone fighting in the think of it to get out vs. someone who albeit still has struggle but is already in a better place. No?

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 25 Oct 2018 03:35 #336660

Realestatemogul wrote on 24 Oct 2018 14:59:
100%

But still something about someone fighting in the think of it to get out vs. someone who albeit still has struggle but is already in a better place. No?

Nah, I mean you can still fall after being clean for a while can’t you? I know I certainly did, a bunch o’ times in fact So I don’t really know if there is such a thing as being “in it” or ”already out of it and in a better place”. Life is constantly changing, each day is a new day, ya know?

Sometimes we create these ideas, “I have this issue” vs. “I’m over it.” These things may not have as much truth to them as we think they do.

How long do you need to be clean before you can feel like you are out of it?

(Sorry for the rant, but I feel this is important; being realistic about the potential of falling or slipping is part of approaching this struggle maturely.

Some people even go as far to discount their clean days when they have a fall, saying things like it was because I didn’t have any inner change during that period. 

While that sounds noble, how can they be sure that’s true? Why is the one day of failure more indicative than the many other clean days they have accumulated? It isn’t, and life ain’t that simple YMMV ) 

Re: Day 73 on first try :) - How to make it last? 25 Oct 2018 11:33 #336669

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Ihavestrength wrote on 25 Oct 2018 03:35:

Realestatemogul wrote on 24 Oct 2018 14:59:
100%

But still something about someone fighting in the think of it to get out vs. someone who albeit still has struggle but is already in a better place. No?

Nah, I mean you can still fall after being clean for a while can’t you? I know I certainly did, a bunch o’ times in fact So I don’t really know if there is such a thing as being “in it” or ”already out of it and in a better place”. Life is constantly changing, each day is a new day, ya know?

Sometimes we create these ideas, “I have this issue” vs. “I’m over it.” These things may not have as much truth to them as we think they do.

How long do you need to be clean before you can feel like you are out of it?

(Sorry for the rant, but I feel this is important; being realistic about the potential of falling or slipping is part of approaching this struggle maturely.

Some people even go as far to discount their clean days when they have a fall, saying things like it was because I didn’t have any inner change during that period. 

While that sounds noble, how can they be sure that’s true? Why is the one day of failure more indicative than the many other clean days they have accumulated? It isn’t, and life ain’t that simple YMMV ) 

For most people, the term"over it" simply means they have joined the general public. We came to GYE because we were out of control. We had tried stopping the cycles of pornography/masturbation without success. The habit became so ingrained that we were ready to give up. Once someone has "broken free", be it for 90 days or some other arbitrary point where one feels they are "normal" again it means they recognize that this struggle is a lfetime challenge that plagues everyone. However they feel they have a mehalech how to stay clean. They do not panic when faced with an urge, rather they use the methods they learned here among the chevra. For some, it is to call a friend, another makes a Taphsic, another goes for a walk or turns on a shiur/music, another reads a previously written list of things Hashem does for him on a daily basis. He knows that b'ezras Hashem he has a mehalech that works. He has come to realize that every healthy adult, including people who never fell in so deeply in the first place, is also faced with this challenge. Whether student, businessman, rosh yeshiva, or whatever, each has his own triggers, has had ups and downs and has developed to the best of his ability ways to deal with it. He, like them, has removed accessibility to pornography to the best of his ability, despite some level of inconvenience.  And although he davens to never fall, if chas v'shalom due to an overpowering trigger (be it extreme exhaustion/rejection/stress, or exposure to something terribly explicit in the streets), he falls - he stops after one acting out and moves on, while of course trying to figure out what to do the next time he will be faced with such a trigger. Such a person is "over it".

With true addicts, things are a drop different, but really the same idea. According to my very meager understanding of addiction, the term "over it" for an addict means he has mastered the 12 steps, has his fellowship support system, and has to the best of his ability rewired his thinking. Based on conversations with Dov and from what i have read on the forum, it appears that for a true addict who wishes to stay clean, there is basically a long term commitment to some level of attendance in meetings. So for him "over it" means he has this working system in place.   Hatzlocha to all to reach the matzav of "over it".
Feel free to contact me at michelgelner@gmail.com
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