I think I made a step forward today. I have been aware of a tool for changing habits for a while, but I think I never believed it, and I never understood it well. It's a kind of self-hypnosis. First you write up a list of the advantages of changing. These could be good feelings, or practical advantages, or whatever seems appealing to you. Then every night you lie down and visualize yourself in your favorite place, like at the beach or on a mountain trip. You really focus and concentrate until you feel like you are really there. Then you tell yourself the list of advantages. For example if you're quitting smoking you might say "I can breathe easily, I feel empowered ..."

Today I realized that this tool is probably pretty effective, but I can't use it because in my life there is no "special place." It's been like being on a treadmill for the last 15 years. Pathetic?

I think the lesson here is that the habit being changed has to lead to a real situation. So it pays to first change my routine to create that situation where changing my habit can show its payoff.

I am thinking specifically of exercising because it may create a reason for me to quit overeating. Until then, there is no point. I'm a little surprised because I knew that you can't outrun a bad diet. You cannot eat too much and burn the extra calories. But you can exercise for the invigorating feeling and then choose to stop overeating to enable those feelings.

I heard about a lady who rewrote one of her memories. It was a memory of abuse. I have a memory of the first time I saw p*** that was very mean, and which seemed to me both terrifying and delicious at the same time. I think in a way this marked the beginning of my addiction.

I have been asking myself whether I would rewrite this memory if I could. The experience is not there any more, only the memory is. I could try to rewrite it so that when my friend shows me the p*** and I start enjoying it my teacher walks in and makes a big scene, then I get punished and my father (who never once talked me to me about these things) explains to me that women are people too and that they don't really like being used.

The thing is that while the memory bothers me the idea of rewriting it makes me uneasy. I think I am afraid of what might lie on the other side because this is what I know and am accustomed to. But I also feel like I have no more use for these desires.

Day 24

Thank you everyone!

I think I register one valuable element of progress after many years of resenting my wife, namely that I am able to appreciate her efforts in the light of where she's at. She doesn't value herself as enabling my learning, or even value herself as a mother or homemaker. She sees herself as a great professional and as a perfectionist, and I can appreciate her successes in these areas that are important to her. I know in my heart that if she did value the things that matter to me she would do a fantastic job there too.

Day 25

Over the last couple of days a couple of colleagues at work expressed their appreciation to me for some things I did. It meant a lot to me to hear these comments, I think because in the past they wouldn't have said anything. I think now I am getting over my bipolar disorder and I am more approachable, also in the past I would have figured out some way to dismiss and minimize their positive feedback.

Yes! One of the most important things for dealing with both addiction and bipolar is loving yourself. In mindfulness there is a practice called lovingkindness which is all about evoking the emotion of love to oneself and it does wonders. Real life-changer. 

I talked about it on one of my forum posts and I plan on doing a series of posts about the loving kindness meditation in about a week. There is basically a meditation where you build up the feelings of love to yourself. I thought it was stupid at first and for 2 years whenever I heard about it I just thought "na, thats not for me, it doesn't make sense" But I really see how important it is in the last couple of weeks. That is what I am starting to focus on now.

There are many sources about this in Torah. Somebody just pointed out to me Lekutei Moharan 22:5 and 282. Hatzlacha!

I'm thinking of calling in fat today ...

mzl wrote on 03 Jul 2018 12:45:

II do that every day.

It is incredible how working on cleaning up this issue has a profound effect on mental illness. Continued hatzlocha and menuchas ha-nefesh.

I have a mitzvah do tonight. Thanks to the forum I was on my best behavior this month. I just hope I live up to my buddies here on GYE. I don't want to place ridiculous demands on my wife.

I think it should be ok.

This reminds me that I have learned that if I visualize the future, it will very likely unfold the way I imagine it because my thoughts will create a self-fulfilling prophecy. So I'd better picture myself giving my best.

Hope to show up here later with my head held high.

mzl wrote on 03 Jul 2018 23:12:

We are all rooting for you.

Hope you can make a שינוי השם, and henceforth be known simply as: mz.

I think you will pass with flying colors. The fact that you are so open and share everything is such an inspiration. Instead of a head held high, lets aim for a heart bursting with Simcha....

B"H I did okay last night. My wife had a good time, I didn't say anything or ask for anything ridiculous. And we were pretty close for a few minutes.

I am trying to figure out whether I feel like anything is missing. I think I do. It's her giving to me instead of just the other way around.

Sometimes I feel like saying tehillim as a way to express a longing which is difficult to put into words. I would practice my guitar but we are in the three weeks.

I'm not sure dropping the "L" would be a good idea. But thank you.

mzl wrote on 04 Jul 2018 10:19:

How about adding; Mazal