Day 1: My mind is very confused. I fell on shabbos and then again on sunday. To be honest, I feel like acting out again. Yes, I know it will only make things worse. Well, the situation sucks, but what choice do I have? All I can do is pick myself up and try again. I was thinking about not going for the 90 days again. As in not to actively count the days. In truth though, I think it helped more than not. So I will iy'h count the days. What will I do differently this time around? I don't know. I'm too confused to figure that out. Right now, I'm just doing all I can not to act out. Thinking about newer and harder things that I'll need to do, is just stressing me out and making me want to act out even more. 

Wow. I can relate to those feelings of withdrawal after acting out. I find them to be very tough also. But just take care of yourself. That's all you need to do now. You can think about it later. I'm sure you had these thoughts in the past and it clearly didn't help, because you ended up here. 

sorry to hear that.

how about perhaps by makin' a list of things you have done already.
perhaps in column next to it, give a check or x, dependin' on if they were helpful, beneficial or productive.
In the next column, explain (briefly) why.

Then, prepare a list of other recovery options.
Leave the columns next to them blank for a while, and see what speaks to you.

keep us posted please

b'hatzlachah

Yesterday, I thought my problem was not taking responsibility for my life and everything in it. Owning my decisions, accepting reality even when it's not pleasant, like after acting out. Even hoping that my problems will go away through "stopping" is a form of abdicating responsibility, because it's an attempt to pin my whole life's problems and responsibilities on a specific thing. It's a silent hope that things will become easy and light when I take care of this problem. Thing is, I think that all this about not taking responsibility is true. But right now I have the emotional stamina of an infant. The ability to endure pain and do things when they are difficult.. ain't in my toolbox right now. 

@shlomo24 I agree with you. I think right now I need to be a bit kinder with myself. These feelings of withdrawal are like being sick, very sick. I don't know if now is the time to push myself too much. (I think that's somewhat the idea of what you were saying, sorry if I twisted it)

@cordnoy Thanks for the sympathy and actionable advice.

Ihavenostrength wrote on 08 May 2017 14:40:

the problem is, that you are counting 90 days in one shot, and you are wrong, you have to count 90 days todays!!!! every day is separate, you are working just for TODAY, not for the next 90 days, don't look back, don't look forward, look only for this current moment.
don't give up, don't run away, you are not alone, do you have a partner? until I got my great partner, I didn't do that good, its a whole new world for me, get someone, and be in touch with him..

I spent a lot of time beating up on myself and it made matters much worse.

rooting for you! 

Guess I fell again. Didn't masturbate but tried looking up sexual audio and pictures on tzil vazemer/whisk for women . Didn't find much (except a good recipe for honey, blueberry cheese muffins)  However I found enough to spend significant amount of time searching like a crazy man. Yes I'm a bit crazy, but saying so ain't helping me. Just makes me feel worse. Yes, I know there is something called a browser, but thankfully mine is monitored. Ok, trying to forget the past and just live in the moment. Harder than it sounds.

Here is some posts that might give you a boost.
(Start at the post that the link sends you to and read thtu the next 2 pages...)
ENJOY!

Thank you Cordnoy. You're hysterical.

Shlomo24 wrote on 08 May 2017 20:14:

Falling can definitely create entertainment value. Suffering for the cause.

Sorry to hear about your fall, 

I think the fact that you are posting your fall and involving everybody here that shows how much you have grown, you are still falling but almost looks like yoy are looking down somewhat removed from the fall in a way that you can talk about it and are looking for the way out!! I imagine that a while back you did not deal with a fall THIS way!!!

Just wanted to point that out!! Also what shivisi is saying rings home that maybe you can make your recovery Abit more real by having a safe partner, step up to the plate!!

You really inspire me 

Ihavenostrength wrote on 08 May 2017 15:02:

In my journey, acting out was the solution to all my problems, it took some time till I realized that and only then was I able to face it.....

Shlomo24 wrote on 08 May 2017 20:14:

II didn't notice my hysterical comments.

Ihave, sorry you are having a rough time. Try to be proud how far along you got and realize you can do it again. The sickest part of this sickness is the powerful yi'ush that comes after we fall. Instead of celebrating a great accomplishment, we get washed away in the tidal wave of despair. You know we are here for you, be there for yourself too. Praying for you.

Shivisi_Hashem wrote on 08 May 2017 15:36:

Love the message. So true. We need to really internalize thuis message.
Having had a couple of runs of sobriety that ran in the hundreds of days I know all too well how it feels to start again. There is a voice from within that is very depressive. It's a nagging voice that is trying to get you to think that until you run up another long run you just ain't a winner. 
I'm embarrassed to say that it took me a long time to fully appreciate the fact that this is totally false. Just appreciate each precious moment of sobriety. work your program and begin to really live.I am 19 days
clean and I can honestly say I am happier than I have ever been. I am more educated than before in this compulsion, understand myself before, more serious about my program and not as self-assured- otherwise known as arrogant). have made better gedarim, learning more...

One day, one hour even one moment is precious.