Totally not interested in working. Dunno what will be. Feel like when I work I'm so broke there's no point in working.

Shavua tov!

Friday was rough.  Really rough.  I was super depressed.  Missed my 9am appt with my therapist. Rescheduled to 11:45, after that,  left to Manhattan to drop off a couple of things for work and came back home.  Walked in 5 minutes before shkia. Was supposed to go with my friend to somebody to eat the meal,  I told him to go and I'll catch up.  Instead,  I lay down on the couch.  Said shema, shmona esrei - all while lying down, I was so depressed. Then I made kiddish and ate some matzah and schnitzel and benched.  Red some magazines - popular science,  wine enthusiast.
for the most part,  they're pretty kosher although there are some ads which are directed directly at men, so not at all kosher. Being so depressed,  I wanted to fall,  just to distract myself.  Even though I knew it was wrong,  I didn't care.  But there was 1 problem.  It was Shabbos.  
For many people here on the forums, Shabbos is especially difficult.  For some,  including myself,  Shabbos is relatively easy. One reason,  is that a while back,  I told myself,  yeah,  I might fall the whole week.  But to stay clean one day is doable.  Shabbos,  we get a נשמה יתרה, at least that part of my נשמה will be clean. And for a long time (somewhere between 1 & 10 years, dunno what the number is) I've been clean on Shabbos.  
so, back to my story, 

My only struggle Friday night was that it was Shabbos.  It bothered me that it should even be a struggle,  if Shabbos is a day that I usually don't struggle,  why was it different now? Then I realized:  I didn't daven in a minyan, didn't eat a normal Shabbos meal.  Maybe my body didn't "get" that it's Shabbos.  So I decided to daven קבלת שבת. Did a Carlebach style davening it took some time & BH, most of the struggle went away. 

figured I can share some happy news too 
Shout out to heemircha, he pushed me to post this story. 

The last 3 days,  the struggle has been SO DIFFICULT!
A few minutes ago I was thinking about that.  90 days is a nice goal,  but not all 90 days are equal.  Not every day is equal.  In the past 3 days, I've been 90 days clean 2 or 3 times!

but there's no way to explain that to the GYE calendar...

Earlier today I fell. The past week or so was so freakin stressful. Last week I woke up one morning shocked that I was still clean, that with all the stress the night before, I managed to fall asleep staying clean.

But today I wanted to fall. Kinda rebellious or something, dunno how to describe it.


So... Here's the catch. and I might (&probably should) get yelled at for this: 
It released so much tension! So yeah, it was wrong, but  right now it's been helpful.

You should be proud of yourself that you managed to stay clean for so long under so much stress etc.
It's good to see that you started your chart again right away, you are a really special person.

youcan wrote on 25 Dec 2017 06:55:

i beg to differ you should proud of yourself for being honest about how good it felt and that you were being rebellious

tzomah wrote on 25 Dec 2017 11:16:

You're both right.

true 

bb0212 wrote on 25 Dec 2017 04:36:


BB0212,

I am not going to yell just a gentle reminder. You know this much better than I do, but while everyone needs to release tension, we can choose what we do to release that tension and there are other ways.

I am sure you will pick yourself right up and learn from it, hopefully you will never be stressed to the point that you feel as you put it you "want to fall", but even should you feel that way, i am sure you will remember to release all the stress and tension in a different way.

heemircha wrote on 26 Dec 2017 23:00:

I know by me, and I've heard from many others that the moment the lust button is triggered, there is no rememberin' why one should choose one release over the other.

heemircha wrote on 26 Dec 2017 23:00:

Thank you dear friend! Thanks for everything,  it's very very much appreciated. 

the thing is,  the other easy ways to release tension were not available.  The more difficult ways might causemore stress instead of relieving it. So I really didn't learn much from this fall.  Other than it seems to have been good for me be cause I'm doing so much better. 

Hi there! 
my post might be a bit strange considering the hour.
currently stuck on the road. Last night at 10:30 (5+ hours ago) , An 18 wheeler merged into my car when I was driving 60mph and drove off leaving me to deal with the mess.  My car was towed off the highway and I emptied my wallet to give the guy the $150 for the short drive.  I'm still 25 miles from home and can't get home because the only available towing company is the same guy that towed me to where i am,  and he only takes cash,  of which I have none. Nothing in the bank either,  because whatever is in there, isn't enough  to cover the tuition payment that will overdraft tomorrow (today). So a little tired, actually exhausted. But 1positive thing:  I'll be clean tonight - I'm not fooling around with porn in middle of the street.  

 There's a strange humor in this.  24 hours ago I was venting to somebody, telling him how broke I am. 
Ha! That guy (me)  24 hours ago thought he was broke?!
 Wait a sec... what will I be thinking in 24 hours from now about the me in the present time?

So... am I supposed to be upset at the driver for taking off? He stayed for a few minutes before leaving. He saw my car,  he saw the damage,  he drove off.  

Part of me wants to pray that he go through all sorts of torture for what he did.  Another part says, who cares?  He didn't do anything,  Hashem did it all.  So why be upset at that bad word removed? 
but it's not fair! But he didn't do it,  it was Hashem.  But.... and so on and so forth. 

Wow that’s crazy. Hope you can get it taken care of. Is there Chaveirim where you live?

Hashem Yemalei Chesroncha. Keep up the good attitude. 

Wow. From the way you are handling this, i am in awe of you. And after speaking with you, i am covinced you are a tzaddik.................