Okay I am gonna post and then skedatle  so sorry if I make anyone nervous.....


I HAVE HAD IT WITH LIFE

WHY DO I/WE HAVE TO SACRIFICE

WHY THE HELL CAN SHE NOT STOP SNIFFING

WHY CAN'T THE KIDS JUST SLEEP THE WHOLE DAMN NIGHT

WHY IF WE MAKE SUPPER FOR PEOPLE DO WE HAVE NO MONEY LEFT

WHY IF THE ABOVE DOES IT MEAN NO SLEEP FOR 3 DAYS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

Take a look at the title of this thread again, perhaps...

Oy vey, Life must be tough for you. Perhaps you would like to chat or you could email me at mesayinoisoi@gmail.com

I don't promise that I will help but I will listen.

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 15 May 2017 21:30:

                      Mayin, your a man after my own heart!

            Just dump everything out, don't keep it bottled in, can you imagine if you would tell this to God??
  
        Hope you get out of you sweet self-pity mood very soon, so you can start focusing on all the good that you do have!  I don't know you personally and Maybe your life does suck but I imagine you have some good stuff to focus on especially if focusing on sniffing and not having money will be a nice reason to act out!!

Sorry to hear so much rough stuff all at the same time. Good you can at least vomit it all out here. Hope things get better.

Dear G-D

I know you know all that is happening to me
I know you do only the best for me
But please just listen to a child in pain
Maybe there is what to gain

I had a father 
He kept harmony between sister and mother
When our father was around
everything was sound

Then you called him to you
and without further ado 
He suddenly was no longer with us
​Having fulfilled his job with us

But the shock and pain stayed
did not go away and hence did not aid
​the turmoil and anger
underfoot came out and now there is much danger

A mother and daughter 
that can't be at peace with another
No longer with a father to talk to 
No longer with a husband to turn to

The others look on sadly
and miss the harmony badly
Taking sides is not a choice
but how to still their angry voice

Tensions rise everyday
and let's forget the holiday
Gratitude what is that
if my pain is not a fact

Oh how I wish this were all
the problems big and small
then there would be silence 
and at home maybe even peace

But no that is not to be 
​mediators we were meant to be
And hearing all the gripes 
has kept us up many nights

Walking on eggshells is not possible
but to break them will be probable
so add to the stress
who cares if we are in distress

Bank accounts with monet what's that
Thank g-d someone else pays the flat
Bills too are a treat
but what will there be to eat

Thank g-d we are not in debt
but our pillows are still wet
sweat and tears we shed
for our kids to be happy and fed

But lack of sleep is not good 
if we want to be in the mood
this is our lot we say
so we are here to stay

We know others have much worse
but that doesn't make it easy of course
So now that I've said a little
why I am so brittle

May it be understood
that this is a cry to the g-d that's good
should continue with the way that is planned
but can we see your helping hand?

My learning and prayer is not up to par
it would be easier to wish upon a shooting star 
or break a wishbone
just not my backbone

We feel locked up in a cage
with no room to rage
choking,gasping,holding our breath
hoping soon to get some breadth

So I hold out my hand to you
Yes you are always holding it it's true
but can I ask to see the hand of a father
holding me up, I hope it's not a bother

Can I cry on your shoulder 
maybe it can lift the boulder
weighing me down
I think I might drown 

Thank you for hearing me out
I hope it did not sound like a shout 
I know you only do the best for me
One day I hope to understand and see

May Hashem have rachmonus on you,
And through this challenge pull you through,
Settle the voices of anger, and lonely solitude,
Replace them with love and gratitude.

May enough sustenance arrive,
Your learning and davening thrive,
May you feel His hand on your shoulder,
Removing that heavy boulder.

Your poem was so clear,
Makes one shed a tear,
We pray for you to be free,
Signed, your family at GYE.

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 16 May 2017 11:16:

Wow. 

The last two poems were very moving. Kinda puts the awesomeness of GYE in a nutshell. Thank you Mayan, thank you HHM.  Thank you for writing from your heart. Mayan, hang in there and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I can see your pain, but I definitely can't feel it, not anywhere close to what you do. But your beautiful poem wasn't just words, it's was a prayer. Our Father upstairs, he feels what you feel, he knows exactly how you feel. Keep reaching out to Him. He loves you and cares about you more than all of us here at GYE, which is a big statement. I'm crying for your pain now, but please believe, this to shall pass. The day will come where you'll look back, you'll see the pain, but perhaps you'll see the reason too. And even if not, just remember Hashem loves you.

Thank you all

I am sorry if I made anyone nervous or brought out emotions that were not ready to be dealt with.

I am still feeling down but there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Might need to right another poem/prayer.

Thank you everyone for the responses both here and private they mean a lot even if I do not respond.

MayanHamisgaber wrote on 16 May 2017 11:16:

WoW WoW WoW, really touching!!!
would you compose for me a poam? I need it for my 12 step partner

Shivisi

Thanks for the vote of confidence
I do not know how to do a 12 step poem but can try what do you need?

A wellspring of inspiration. We are all very happy for you Mayan.

I just want to ask, I have noticed on this thread that you get stressed out some, have you considered perhaps seeing a therapist that can perhaps identify something within you and perhaps helping you through it?

Therapy for the family to deal with the loss -  maybe
but I do not think I need therapy for stress I am not as stressed as the posts make it seem 

But thanks for thinking of me