I feel really stupid to have said that the nisayon gets easier with time 
(even though I think it to be true) on some other thread (group 196).
Then, the yetzer hara gave me a pretty big test...and I actually had thoughts 
of failing and giving in.

I still feel it could go either way, and that I am not out of the woods for sure yet today.
A little help/chizuk would be nice.

Yosef, I love you bro

I think this is where much perspectives and introspection kicks us in the butt
Will chizuk get you sober, or just allow the white knuckling to continue?
Is that what you're looking for? It may work for some...

COT

Thanks for writing back so fast.
It helps to know someone is out there...
and caring.
I don't understand the end of your post.
How to get to monster trucking.
How to ask Gevurah anything.
Maybe you could say it differently?

p.s. I don't think I've been white knuckling it.
For some time now, I haven't felt such a desire to "act out".
But I think I was blasted (some spiritual karma thing) for saying it gets easier...
and not feeling someone else's pain or experience enough.

Markz, thanks again for helping me when I needed someone.

I am no longer in immediate danger, Boruch HaShem,
and have therefore updated my clean streak just now.

It's amazing and a little scary how close I got to losing all control
and acting out.

And I kind of feel great now that I passed the test...
and feel like celebrating. If I wasn't watching my weight and only
eating healthy, I would buy a chocolate cupcake/donut with lots of icing!

I don't think that it's ridiculous to say that it gets easier the longer one abstains. Especially if it's not an addiction. 

Even from an addiction perspective, I find it easier to stay sober now. I have a program that works. But the emotional and spiritual part is where it gets tough. I cry much more frequently nowadays. 

Yosef Tikun HaYesod wrote on 13 Dec 2016 16:29:

If you want to get out of real danger the real way to celebrate is

KEEP CALM
   AND CELEBRATE
     WITH OTHERS
Call another guy like you / me in recovery

No pressure - or maybe you're Irish

I came home with a gift for my wife. 
A treat that I know she really likes.
I got 4 of them. And when she saw them, she said:
you got 1 for me and the rest for the kids?
I paused awhile to let it sink in, and said: no, I got them all for you.
HOMERUN, CUBS!
I mean, HOMERUN, me!
Between passing the nisayon and making my wife really happy, 
I feel like a world series champion who just hit a homerun.

Lol. I hope it tasted good.

(Now learn to take out the garbage). 

Lol guys just LOL.
Yosef, remember, One Day at a Time. Also, pride and haughtiness increases with the clean streak. Heck, sometimes I wanted to act out just so that I would stop judging everyone else, and love every Jew for the true tzadikkim they are! (See Dov on the Nuclear Reset Button).

But If we truly work on the idea that today's sobriety is completely independent of yesterday's sobriety, then we won't build up this chometz in our hearts that makes us want to be high and mighty and shun the little ones (ie everyone else). We can achieve a state of constant closeness to Hashem, constant nuclear reset button! That's right, constant dystopian future of nuclear war! 
Well, no please G-d not the last bit.
But you get the picture.
Nice with the wife. I got her flowers then the next week I brought her a takeaway cappucino and something we have it's called "Chip n' Dip", and she said "Totally better than flowers!"
Gotta give what they want, not what you think!

Another clean day.
Not a lot to say right now. 
Can't say everything's good. 
Lots of frustration.
But this area of tyvah has been good.
Similar to eating healthy (and losing weight).
These are 2 areas that I am taking control, 
and have been successful today.
(and for the last little while now).
It actually makes me feel a little better, since other things
outside of my control or at least partially outside of my control
are largely frustrating me recently.
-----------
Someone misplaced something quite large, and I spent
10 frustrating minutes looking all over the house for it.
It was nowhere to be found. I got upset. Where did you last have it?
Who moved it? Where is it? It's too big to just disappear!
Then, the culprit figured out that he left it at someone else's house by mistake.
So, it truly was nowhere to be found!
Hopefully, this will be a kaparah...because it was quite upsetting at the time.
It may even be more of a kaparah if I don't get angry or raise my voice.
(something to keep in mind for next time...if there is a next time)

You know, when I'm on a run, I never feel frustrated. So I just wish I was constantly running.

Ain haDavar oi'meid lifnei haRATZon.

Yesterday, I failed. The yetzer hara took many steps and set up a lot of things, 
and I fell right into the trap. Then, I came to my senses,
picked myself up again, and reached out to my 2 support buddies:
hello...
not doing too good.
Not feeling like it's even worth the effort to post my feelings and experiences.
could use a little/lot of help.
Thanks
---------
Both guys told me that I'm making amazing progress and that I should definitely continue posting.
It's helping me get my feelings out, and may very well help others who may read what I'm going through, my honest struggle, and ultimate success over this nisayon.
I even talked to one of them by phone, which seemed a little more real or urgent.
But it was pretty hard to write a post about failing, making myself so open and vulnerable. 
I picked up the GYE book I had printed out and read the Attitudes part #23-30, which I knew, but reinforced that I just need to get up, not get discouraged, and move on. 
I need to learn from my mistakes though and not keep repeating them.
So I analyzed the situation, the trap I fell for. Here's how it happened:
The yetzer hara tricked me with the time control safeguard thing on my computer.
I had a desire to go on the computer when it was the "wrong time" and to do so I had to put in the password. Once I did that, I watched streaming videos.
(I've watched streaming videos a lot in the past month, with all the bad/explicit sites blocked).
Then, I typed in a porn site, thinking it would be blocked, and wanting the security and good feeling of seeing the screen turn all green and say blocked (which although illogical, I've actually done several times in the past 35 days). Well, this time, unfortunately, now that I had inadvertently turned off all the controls, (when I put in the password to use the computer, outside of the time I had set it for, it turned off the "block all explict/porn sites" too), so the inappropriate site popped right up.
Surprised, but not able to "X" it out, I fell for the 1st time in 35 days. I don't even think it was a test at that point. I don't remember deciding anything. I couldn't rip my clothes off fast enough.

Going forward, I think I should either be super strict with the time limits, so that I succeed and live my life, and am doing what I am supposed to be doing all the time throughout the day...
OR take off all streaming videos, but forget about the time limits, so that it is always available.
Concentrating on both things at once, was too strict and had the opposite effect!
(and I fell and watched porn and masturbated and wasted seed)!
I'm choosing the time limits, since this may help me get my life in order quicker.
Eventually, both are important.
Now, I have to be extra careful not to go on the computer outside of the times I set.
This was a setback, but I'm not giving up. I'm back on track and will break free.
Hopefully, it will only take me 90 more days to get to 90 days clean.

I would recommend posting/letting someone know when you feel like slipping instead of when you feel like falling. I did that and it worked for me yesterday. How's that for something new? And good luck from group 196

This is good advice...and I did this a few days ago, with great success.
Markz posted a response right away, and I got out of the danger zone and didn't fall.
But yesterday, I didn't feel like slipping or falling/failing.
This was a trap that I fell into by surprise.

I'm impressed with the actions of recovery that you took such as reading and calling others. Keep it up.