I've been addicted for over 20 years starting at age 13. I was brought up in a secular family and up until recently had no idea Torah prohibits masturbation. I knew I've had a real problem for the last 10 years, but only recently realized how much of an effect it had on all areas of my life. My social life and anxiety. My inability to be with and the fear of intimacy with women. Destroyed potential and real relationships with great women who would make great wives. Lack of achievement career wise. Passing on and destroying great opportunities to do what I love. Isolating from friends and family. Escalating into health and mental issues, into risky behaviors that endangers my well being. Lack of care and wanting to punish myself and hit bottom already, getting into trouble with the law. Financial losses, destruction to relationships, and opportunities to change. Turning away from God's extended hand of spending time in Yeshiva, doing what I love, among people I loved, turning my back to all of that, all because of this addiction. Therapy, experimenting with psychedelics, all to try and get a handle on myself. A real struggle.

I'm sure if I don't get a handle on this now I will either end dead or in hell along with people most dear to me. So I find myself with a glimmer of hope now, with the third attempt of rebuilding this temple, with the knowledge and experience of what happened before. I do feel hope, God saved me to find myself not on the very bottom of this pit, but somewhere where I can still climb out, but it feels like it's the last chance before I fall into the very bottom of it and into oblivion. 

Hope this will help with my struggle and wish you all luck and God's help to deal with yours.

Thanks for your open and honest share. I can relate to much what you are saying and experiencing. One of the things that jumps out is the point that regardless of whether or not Torah permits or prohibits mastutrbation, it is ruining your life.  

Welcome,

Good idea not to hit bottom, but it's important to know that there is no bottom that cannot be climbed out of.

serenity wrote on 31 Aug 2016 18:06:

Yes of course, but I believe Torah prohibits it to avoid the struggle that I'm going through. It's not a blind faith for me on that commandment, that's for sure.   Thanks for your supportive words.

So if it wouldn't cause this huge struggle for you Torah would permit? Many people don't go through this struggle. They either sin or they don't and if they do they do teshuvah and move on. Maybe they will sin again in a few months in a moment of weakness, but it doesn't turn into an obsession.

Yes maybe I put too much or the wrong meaning into that commandment. But interestingly, and maybe off topic for our purpose here, the practice of semen retention is a powerful one on many levels. Maybe part of it is a pointer to that fact. Im sure conserving this energy to direct towards meeting a girl and getting married, and having the energy to maintain connection in marriage also is part of it. Plenty of good reasons.

trinityofnow wrote on 01 Sep 2016 00:23:

You are on a journey with our Maker, as all of us come to know ourselves, come to love ourselves. Prov. 4:18, this for me required knowledge of our Maker faithfulness, and the effort of other humans like here, is so we will add the step of directly seeking for an Infinite awe relationship, shared with us from our Maker, it required me to trust the universe Spirit to teach, guide, correct, and to daily, maybe even nano second help if need be! The 12 step principle make our agreement with our Maker, the G-d as we presently know Him, that is One meets us where we are, and leads us from there.  Here you have others who are travelling in the journey of struggle, and victory. Many are tempted to slip, yet in our weakness we are learning to trust and lean upon the Infinite to stand governor of our desires, and our souls. 

Welcome!

Today is my 90. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I feel it's real progress, the longest I have gone. I feel better, more hopeful.

Today I will ask a rabbi I know to get a Tefillin, my first one, and learn the daily prayer. Also have it be a reminder of the exodus from Egypt and the house of bondage. And ask God to help me with this. 

Wishing you all success on your own journey as well.

Thanks for the blessing.
 thanksI for the share.
Wishing you continued success.

Great News!  Thanks for sharing.