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TOPIC: hit a wall!! 4716 Views

hit a wall!! 12 Oct 2015 22:22 #265741

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I was on 40 days.

untill, ye you can imagine same old....life is not going good you feel depressed and you fall in.

At the end of the day in my opinion you can never be fully free of this urge. Its like a gun fully loaded with the trigger triggered all you do is press a button and bang! a bullet comes out....your body is always 'triggered'waiting for that shot to be released at any given moment if you look at images or clips.....bang! its to late the button of your gun is basically pushed.

The only way, I feel, to combat this monstrous urge is to be busy and happy. Life is hard and its a challenge to stay happy. The second your not happy your pulling the trigger and if then you see images the button is basically pushed.

I have to pick myself up again but i'm not sure what will change...90 days? i flipping wish!!
when the going gets tough the tough get going

'We were not put on this world to chill and relax
or to laze around shtelling our hacks'

The sole reason we were put onto this world is to overcome our negative traits - steipler

Re: hit a wall!! 12 Oct 2015 23:21 #265746

  • Yesod
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It's tough, we're backing you up.

Keep it up, the enemy is weaker than 40 days ago, get back in the rink.

Life can be hard and happiness seems like a joke at times, but every day we keep away from the mistakes is a good day.

Keep us posted.

Hatzlacha Rabba brother, you are making progress

Re: hit a wall!! 12 Oct 2015 23:41 #265747

  • cordnoy
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Here 2 improve wrote:
I was on 40 days.

untill, ye you can imagine same old....life is not going good you feel depressed and you fall in.

At the end of the day in my opinion you can never be fully free of this urge. Its like a gun fully loaded with the trigger triggered all you do is press a button and bang! a bullet comes out....your body is always 'triggered'waiting for that shot to be released at any given moment if you look at images or clips.....bang! its to late the button of your gun is basically pushed.

The only way, I feel, to combat this monstrous urge is to be busy and happy. Life is hard and its a challenge to stay happy. The second your not happy your pulling the trigger and if then you see images the button is basically pushed.

I have to pick myself up again but i'm not sure what will change...90 days? i flipping wish!!


Stick around and listen to see if there are other opinions as well.

B'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: hit a wall!! 13 Oct 2015 00:12 #265751

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Here 2 improve wrote:
I was on 40 days.

untill, ye you can imagine same old....life is not going good you feel depressed and you fall in.

At the end of the day in my opinion you can never be fully free of this urge. Its like a gun fully loaded with the trigger triggered all you do is press a button and bang! a bullet comes out....your body is always 'triggered'waiting for that shot to be released at any given moment if you look at images or clips.....bang! its to late the button of your gun is basically pushed.

The only way, I feel, to combat this monstrous urge is to be busy and happy. Life is hard and its a challenge to stay happy. The second your not happy your pulling the trigger and if then you see images the button is basically pushed.

I have to pick myself up again but i'm not sure what will change...90 days? i flipping wish!!


Well, "x" amount of years will do that. If you are addicted, or even if it is a bad habit, then it will take a while to rewire our brains, if we ever can achieve that. However there are things that help. I had a similar situation to you, in the past I used to get this "feeling" and I knew that the battle was over and lust had won. I was completely flattened and was now subservient to lust in many forms. However, recently I got the same feeling. I was feeling a very strong wave of lust about a previous acting out partner and I thought the "party" was all over and I was going to lose it all. But then I thought, "heck no, I'm in program! God is with me all the time and he wants me to be sober. What is more then that is he WILL keep me sober if I seek him out!" So I prayed to god sincerely, surrendering my lust to him, telling him how I am powerless and cannot fight lust, I even got on my knees because I felt that was the appropriate thing to do. (Agav, going on your knees is hlachically fine, my friend asked a renowned posek, he just said don't do it on stone floor if possible). And you know what? (What?) GOD KEPT ME SOBER! It was mamish a miracle. I have been in that situation countless times and this is one of the first times that I have remained sober, even after getting the "feeling" that I described.

Hope this helps. Hatzlacha.

(btw, you don't have to be an addict to pray to god about lust)
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

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Re: hit a wall!! 17 Oct 2015 19:15 #266193

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Hi brothers and a gut voch.

Thank you everyone for your eitzos.

Its been like a week and I would like to share an eitzo which I am trying which is proving to be affective.

just a forewarning....do not do this lechatchila just remember it.

Next time you fall in and you are MZL just stop and think about those few seconds after. You literally feel like sooo down in the dumps. Of course you shouldn't feel like that for prolonged periods, but for those few 'down in the dump moments' can be utilised to build upon a succesful 90 day journey....let me explain.

Remember that moment and next time you feel like acting out remember how horrible you felt after. Say to yourself is it worth enjoying myself for a minute only to feel like an absolute animal for x amount of time after.It just doesn't add up.

Of course its your avoida to not get bogged down by your acting out but every single persons natural feeling after its over is to feel like a dirty animal. Its those few moments which one can build upon and can be utilised, its when the 'down in the dumps' feelings drag on is when its dangerous.
when the going gets tough the tough get going

'We were not put on this world to chill and relax
or to laze around shtelling our hacks'

The sole reason we were put onto this world is to overcome our negative traits - steipler

Re: hit a wall!! 18 Oct 2015 00:40 #266200

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Thanks for the thought.

Obviously one should also periodically try to vividly recall those feelings, even if clean for a while because all memories fade.

Shkoiach,

Keep up the great work.

Re: hit a wall!! 18 Oct 2015 12:52 #266227

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At the risk of sounding depressing I have to say... I don't think there's ever a point, not even when we are on our death beds, that we will be free from this taiva. But that doesn't mean we don't have to keep fighting.
Part of the reason I used to get so depressed about falls is bec it just kept re-iterating in brain my biggest fear, "I'm never gonna be done with this". But then, I accepted it! And now the goal isn't to be free of it FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, rather the goal is to be free as long as possible. If I fall after 40 then the thought procees should be "wow 40 that's the longest so far, with this momentum I'm gonna try to get right back up and go again". It doesn't matter that you fell (relatively speaking) bec the odds unfortunately aren't in our favor in this fight and its a loong fight ahead. A 75+yr fight hopefully, and There's a good chance were gonna fall somewhere along that way! The point is to make it few and far between and when it does happen its isolated and Not bec we are lusting machines. And with that we can slowly get out of this mess we got ourselves into.
A mistake is only a mistake if you don't learn from it.

Re: hit a wall!! 18 Oct 2015 14:34 #266238

  • mike dupont
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I agree with mr clean: I'm currently on my first clean streak after way too many years and have accepted the fact that I can't win this war. Personally, I believe that every Jew is being tested in his own ways by Hashem and has to fight. The fight is ultimately the most important part of our lives, Hashem wants to see us fighting and even if we fail (in our case fall) from time to time Hashem wants us to fight back.
Obviously our fight is harder because of an underlying psychological problem but then again I guess Hashem appreciates our fight even more.
As long as we do our hishtadlus (which is different in every case; join GYE, join 12 steps, join SA, therapist... whatever works best for you) and daven honestly (meaning we surrender to Hashem) we do our part. After that, let Hashem decide what's going to happen to you AND stop worrying.

Re: hit a wall!! 18 Oct 2015 15:02 #266247

  • cordnoy
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mr.clean wrote:
At the risk of sounding depressing I have to say... I don't think there's ever a point, not even when we are on our death beds, that we will be free from this taiva. But that doesn't mean we don't have to keep fighting.
Part of the reason I used to get so depressed about falls is bec it just kept re-iterating in brain my biggest fear, "I'm never gonna be done with this". But then, I accepted it! And now the goal isn't to be free of it FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, rather the goal is to be free as long as possible. If I fall after 40 then the thought procees should be "wow 40 that's the longest so far, with this momentum I'm gonna try to get right back up and go again". It doesn't matter that you fell (relatively speaking) bec the odds unfortunately aren't in our favor in this fight and its a loong fight ahead. A 75+yr fight hopefully, and There's a good chance were gonna fall somewhere along that way! The point is to make it few and far between and when it does happen its isolated and Not bec we are lusting machines. And with that we can slowly get out of this mess we got ourselves into.


Agree.
Except for one line (in bold and underlined):
the goal is to be free for today.

As Dov wrote: The acceptance of bein' different, abnormal (but still good), is the thin' that makes many fail in the program and leave. It's a dissapointin' and humiliatin' discovery that we're probably always gonna need God.

b'hatzlachah
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: hit a wall!! 18 Oct 2015 20:22 #266269

  • mike dupont
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There's nothing humiliating in admitting we need Hashem. We anyway say three times a day in birkas modim: "al chayenu ha-mesurim beyodecho..."; aren't we talking about the same??

Re: hit a wall!! 19 Oct 2015 19:26 #266365

  • Shlomo24
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cordnoy wrote:
mr.clean wrote:
At the risk of sounding depressing I have to say... I don't think there's ever a point, not even when we are on our death beds, that we will be free from this taiva. But that doesn't mean we don't have to keep fighting.
Part of the reason I used to get so depressed about falls is bec it just kept re-iterating in brain my biggest fear, "I'm never gonna be done with this". But then, I accepted it! And now the goal isn't to be free of it FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, rather the goal is to be free as long as possible. If I fall after 40 then the thought procees should be "wow 40 that's the longest so far, with this momentum I'm gonna try to get right back up and go again". It doesn't matter that you fell (relatively speaking) bec the odds unfortunately aren't in our favor in this fight and its a loong fight ahead. A 75+yr fight hopefully, and There's a good chance were gonna fall somewhere along that way! The point is to make it few and far between and when it does happen its isolated and Not bec we are lusting machines. And with that we can slowly get out of this mess we got ourselves into.


Agree.
Except for one line (in bold and underlined):
the goal is to be free for today.

As Dov wrote: The acceptance of bein' different, abnormal (but still good), is the thin' that makes many fail in the program and leave. It's a dissapointin' and humiliatin' discovery that we're probably always gonna need God.

b'hatzlachah


You stole the words right out of my mouth. Mamish plagiarism.
If you're an LGBTQ or LGBTQ-questioning person and looking for someone who can understand you, feel free to reach out. I promise no judgement and to try and listen the best I can. 

Email: iam24zman@gmail.com

Re: hit a wall!! 29 Oct 2015 19:44 #267277

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So ye BH coming onto 2 weeks.

Happiness is key....what more can I say.

Oh ye as I said at the beginning avoid that first look/image also..(very very difficult i admit)

But one worrying thought i had, That if i was placed in front of an unfiltered internet, even if i was on day 100, and even if i was happy, i would prob end up watchin stuff...one can be clean of MZL but shmiras aiynayim...well...thats like another level hard...
when the going gets tough the tough get going

'We were not put on this world to chill and relax
or to laze around shtelling our hacks'

The sole reason we were put onto this world is to overcome our negative traits - steipler

Re: hit a wall!! 29 Oct 2015 20:54 #267282

  • cordnoy
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Here 2 improve wrote:
So ye BH coming onto 2 weeks.

Happiness is key....what more can I say.

Oh ye as I said at the beginning avoid that first look/image also..(very very difficult i admit)

But one worrying thought i had, That if i was placed in front of an unfiltered internet, even if i was on day 100, and even if i was happy, i would prob end up watchin stuff...one can be clean of MZL but shmiras aiynayim...well...thats like another level hard...


We lost our right to worry about day 100; not even tomorrow.
My email: thenewme613@hotmail.com
My threads:
GYE Handbook | Gibbor's Insights | GYE FAQ - Thanks Skep and DMS123456789 White Book | Big Book (Alcoholics Anonymous)

If one gives up at the first sign of a struggle, he is really not ready to be successful."
"Tryin' and doin' are two different thin's - tryin' is hopin'; doin' is succeedin'.
"The right thin' to do and the hard thin' to do are usually the same."


Disclaimer: I am not a cheerleader; B"H, there are many on the site. I am here to change myself, and with God's help, by some mistake, I might even help change others.

MY POSTS ARE NOT WRITTEN AS A MODERATOR UNLESS EXPLICITLY STATED.

Re: hit a wall!! 29 Oct 2015 22:16 #267288

  • peloni almoni
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Here 2 improve wrote:

But one worrying thought i had, That if i was placed in front of an unfiltered internet, even if i was on day 100, and even if i was happy, i would prob end up watchin stuff...


how do you know, were you ever on day 100 before?
Have a corny day ... and if you do have other plans, change 'em!!
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Re: hit a wall!! 01 Nov 2015 10:58 #267436

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No. Not been on day 100 yet but I have been on around day 50 and could not see a significant improvement re shmiras aiynayim...I feel its a life long battle..
when the going gets tough the tough get going

'We were not put on this world to chill and relax
or to laze around shtelling our hacks'

The sole reason we were put onto this world is to overcome our negative traits - steipler
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