Hello all,

I'll go by my middle name here, Michael age 21, and I'll give you some personal history.

My father was born and raised Jewish. Before he met my mother, he converted to Christianity and thus was I raised. At about 8, my brother introduced me to porn and as I became an adolescent I was hooked. I never thought about whether it was right or wrong but eventually I realized how terrible it was. I wanted to stop, but I wasn't very energetic about stopping. At 18, I met the girl who I would later marry. We lived together on campus for a while and that's when I became serious about stopping. But I didn't tell her that I was masturbating to porn the entire time we were together. Eventually I mustered up the courage to tell her. It was almost the end for us but I was able to stop and we moved to a different state and got married.

All was fine for a little over a year. I was interested in learning about my Jewish roots, and after a lot of research me and my wife decided that Judaism was right, the messiah had definitely not come yet. We both are seeking to convert. I'm very spiritual and religious. I've never felt closer to G-d in my life. My wife had just started trusting me again...

Out of the blue, it happened. I found myself watching porn again. I felt G-d trying to call me out of it. I would beg for His help but ignore it when it came. I was afraid to tell my wife that I was doing it again. I couldn't bear to see the heartbreak in her eyes again. I prayed to G-d one last time. That night my wife found out, no coincidence I'm sure. I had been using again for about a month and a half. I haven't looked at porn since then (about 2 weeks) but about a week ago I masturbated.

I'm doing everything I can to keep her from leaving me. Some days she understands and just wants to help and tells me how much she still loves me. Other days she yells at me and wants to leave...I know I don't deserve to still be with her, but I can't bear to be without her. I need to never give in again. I don't want to give in ever again. And I hope that my wife will be able to be happy staying with me again. I love her and really want it to be death that has to part us, and not my own stupidity.

Thanks for listening everyone.

Welcome Michael. Your strength to reach out for help and your determination to make things right are inspiring. I admire your ability to open up to your wife.
You are among people who are or have been in the same or similar situation. What have you done on the site yet? Have you done any sort of counseling? Whatever it may be, we welcome you and hope all the best for you.
Keep us posted.

Welcome Michael! GYE suggest you start with the newcomer links in my signature below.

Hatzlacha!

welcome to you!

you wil find a lot of material on this website both interesting and helpful.

keep on being sincere its the key to a lot of things...

Welcome! You're in the right place.

Unfortunately, for a lot of us here, despite our sincerest, deepest religious inclinations, we still act out. That's why we see lust addiction as a disease, not a weakness of character. But there's a bright side to that fact: you could grow as a Jew as you grow in recovery, and falls, frustrating and terrible as they are, will not impede your progress as you learn about Judaism. Of course, the addiction needs to be dealt with, but as your sober streaks become longer and longer, you'll find great harmony within the Jewish lifestyle and mindset simultaneously as well.

Just know that we believe in the idea that all people are created in the image of G-d. Thus it is our honor to help you as much as we can irrespective if you convert or not.

Best of luck

Thank you everyone for your support.

I've been peeking around on this website at all of the material, there's a lot to read.

I've joined the 90 day challenge, I've signed up for the emails, my wife is looking at filters to install. Until then, she changed all the passwords on the computers and I can only get on the computer when she's here with me. I'm working on reading through the handbook, and I'm drafting out my shvuah.

This makes me feel confident that I have the tools and resources to overcome this problem. I made it for 380 days before my last fall. This is only my second time trying again. But I am determined to make it my last.

I really liked that part of the handbook that said "And like birds that
can fly thousands of miles back home without ever having learned how, all Jews find their way home if they just follow their hearts." I feel like even if I wasn't born Jewish, HaShem has been calling me back to where I belong. Both as a Jew and as a righteous man.

Good luck. I wish you all the best.

So I was wondering if anyone had this problem with making the shvuah. I'm okay with making a vow, but what I'm not so comfortable with is swearing on the name of G-d. I can commit that I'll do the small or large knas if I fall after doing/not doing xyz. But even if I know it's a swear I'll keep I don't think I can bring myself to invoke The Name. Maybe since I feel I can commit without having to, I feel like that would be equivalent to using The Name in vain.

Any thoughts?

Welcome to GYE!!

It's a great place here, take your time and make yourself comfortable!!

I'm not the biggest expert on the TaPHSiC method, I'll leave that for those who have more experience.

From my experience, it is the honesty that I was able to acquire from being in constant touch with the friends that I made on this website that has helped me through my journey. Learning how to face myself, face my negative emotions, the inconsistencies that I did not want to acknowledge before, that is what ended up keeping me afloat.

So Keep On Posting, getting to know the guys here!!

Take the journey slowly, one step at a time!!!

WELCOME! The best thing you can do is work on recovery. When your wife notices positive changes, it will do wonders for your marriage. Do you have a rabbi in your life that can help the 2 of you through this?

Keep reading and posting.

My wife has started using the spouses' forum here. She found some good advice to help her recover from the distress of the situation. She was telling me about all the things she learned and I told her I would encourage her in her growth. I like how we both can be in this together and how we both have a community we can each share our thoughts and feelings with.

The support I get here is truly valuable. Plus I don't live in a place where I run into many observant Jews so this is also great for my path to rediscovering my Jewish roots. I attend synagogue every Shabbot and have been regularly for 5 months now. I'm still not officially a member yet. I'll talk to the rabbi about getting that fixed and maybe talk to him about my problem.

I don't know if anyone here reading hasn't told their spouse yet about their problem but I would encourage them to. It takes a lot of chutzpah to do it but this sort of thing shouldn't be a secret from her. I'm not sure if I'm reading too far into this but the Torah says husband and wife shall be echad, one flesh. Echad is the same word used for HaShem. The L-rd your G-d is echad. So maybe we should be as honest with our wives as we are with G-d. It helps me and my wife, at least.

Great to hear that you are on the same page. That insight into the meaning of echad was a nice way of looking at it. Good luck on your path to recovery and spirituality. KOP

Telling the wife is tricky business. It has to be done in the right way at the right time. That will be different for different people. I'm glad it worked out well for you.

Thank you, abd297.

And gibbor120, that's definitely true. Each situation is totally unique. As for timing? Sometimes telling your wife you're looking at porn or masturbating never is good timing. But it's more important that you think about your actions and words after you break the news. Thinking too much about how she will respond could be too heartbreaking for you to be able to get it out, but sharing with her that it's a problem that you are dedicated to overcoming will help her understand. I mean, we all know our personal reasons why we struggle. It's just a matter of communicating that to your spouse and that you do love her and you are a good person even if your actions didn't show it.

This week's Parsha, in Numbers 30, talks about nadar and shvua. One is a promise to do something and the other is a swear not to do something (or to do Y if X happens). Let us think carefully about our vows and promises. I know I've broken my vow to my wife before about being loyal and true to her. May HaShem forgive us if we have a vow we have broken, and may it teach us to choose our words more carefully. I will never make a vow not to watch porn or masturbate. I have learned that I will never know if I will give in or not so I cannot risk breaking a vow to HaShem or my wife ever again.

But I can swear that I will never let myself be content to do those things and that I will always strive to overcome sin every time the yetzer hara strikes. Let us not say, "I will never give in" but let us say, "As long as I live, I will strive to overcome. May G-d be my help."

Shalom aleichem,
Michael