I've decided to start journaling this radical and encompassing journey of sobriety. Shlomo613 inspired me to ground myself and start building in one solid place. This will be the thread I continue building in. I want to start by reflecting a little bit on where I started from... but I have a fragmented style of going about things lol so please bear with me.

One of my favorite lines I've come across on GYE so far is "Rock bottom is wherever you decide to stop digging."

I am 22. and about 79 days ago, I decided to stop digging. The decision was a gradual process that took many, many tries until it became real. THANK G-D, He helped the yearning for normalcy/sanity become real. Up until then, even when I didn't want it, I wanted it. my conception of my addiction was that I would have periods of not wanting it, but they would eventually get overcome by periods of wanting it. I've realized that in truth, I always want it. And unfortunately, I will always want it, until Moshiach comes and my body will tangibly be able to comprehend how devastating it is to G-d. However, I've realized, that I am able to get my body to say no.

I don't need to be a push over.

What still boggles my mind, is that I am at a place where I can actually say this and mean it. I still can't believe I've been on a streak of 65 clean days without porn and 79 without masturbation. Honestly, it kinda hurts over there.

(...Please excuse the crassness, its one of my less treif mechanisms of release. Realistically, I also find that last line to be hilarious and tragically truthful. Anyway...)

Since the time I started masturbating with pornography, at 11 years old, I haven't gone longer than 17 days without doing it. My parents used to say it was healthy (I grew up secular). But I took it way beyond what I would think any person would call normal. For about 6 out of those eleven years, I was masturbating with porn more than twice a day. I loved it. It was practically all I wanted to do. Every day, I would get home from school, hang out with my sister for a bit, and go on my computer for hours. I would be playing games, reading comics, watching my favorite shows, and pretty much every 45 minutes I would find a new x rated video to watch. I even went through phases where I watched lots of different videos at once. I just felt the whole experience to be so stimulating. I still remember plenty of times where I would masturbate until it hurt to ejaculate and I physically had to stop. It just hurt so good.

As I got more into extra-curricular activities, and starting making friends that I actually connected with (I totally get why GYE is so in favor of connection with others), I was able to wake up a bit more to the world outside of me and my computer. Opening up socially was a huge game changer for me. I realized that the less I masturbated the more confidence and energy I had (which at the time for me, meant I could get more girls). So my rate was cut down significantly (still around 6-10 times a week, maybe more some weeks maybe less others).

During my senior year of high school and freshman year of college, I socially blossomed.
It was a blessing and a curse. I established a tremendous new-found confidence that I just faked until I made, and I was also intimately involved with tons of women. I lost my virginity to one of my college professors, on a summer program before school when I was 17, and only wanted (and got) more when I got to the college campus. I know I don't need to go any further describing college sexcapades. Some part of me still feels proud about it, so I find myself indulging every now and then. That kind of thing is what society tends to value people by unfortunately...-it's awful, and I shouldn't indulge it at all, but I'm figuring that this forum is a safe place to just let some of things out instead of keeping them in my head. But anyway, at the time I thought it was awesome. But as I started discovering yiddishkeit and its realness, the fakeness became more and more appalling to me. Baruch Hashem!

I met the Chabad shliach on my campus, and he really got me revved up about Judaism. I was growing so much, and getting so inspired by all the beautiful families I met in the religious world. I had so many uplifting challenges and experiences that I can't possibly describe in one post. But I was transforming. I graduated early (when I was 20) and have spent my last two years in an incredible baal teshuva yeshiva. It was learning more about how G-d relates to Jewish men masturbating that has put my want to stop so much more into the cooker. But also, by learning in general, and feeling what its like to focus my mind on kedusha, I was able to see just how much a was rotting my brain on porn and how much better kedusha is.

During my struggles in yeshiva, (where quitting would last a few days, and if I G-d decided to super bless me- a week or two) I had an eye opening realization. I verbalized to one of my close friends, that it was easier/better for me to say the shma with my eyes open than my eyes closed, because my mind's default imagery when my eyes were closed was so disgustingly not G-dly. I couldn't even say shma without porn flashing and trashing up my mind. I knew I needed to stop the input. But I mamash couldn't. Even right now I can remember the scenes that were in my head then, but overall my yetzer hara's arsenal has taken a severe loss BH.
What scares me now though, is that My yetzer hara has resorted to using people that I know and interact with to attack me with, and I'm just not ok with that. I'm Not Ok with that. And so I'm just imagining shooting the yetzer hara right between the eyes whenever he tries to pull BAD WORD REMOVED like that.

Ultimately, for me, it comes down to shaking the evil off right away, staying positive, and still relating to the body in a caring and healthy way. My body is innocent, my yetzer hara needs to back the f- up lol. I understand if my body wants lust. It's been enjoying it for years, why should it stop wanting it? Even more than that, it was made to do it in a certain sense. That being said, I know that my body will love it so much more when its directed towards kedusha, and doesn't get tricked by the other side.

Bringing up all these memories gets my body agitated. So why am I doing it? I think I need to somehow tangibly accept that this addiction is a part of my life, and my mission in this world. It's not something to be prayed away under the rug somewhere. Of course I pray all the time that G-d have mercy and stop this torrential flooding of machshavas zaras, but at the same time I know that he's giving them to me because he trusts that I'll use them to propel me closer to him. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I came from a dark place, and the purpose of this reflection is not to re-enter the darkness, but rather to see what it looks like now that I've got a little light. And looking back, with the little light I have, I see what an effing miracle it is that I didn't masturbate today. What an effing miracle it is that I'm not looking at porn, or swiping on sites even as we speak. Instead I'm focused, I'm happy, and I'm really experiencing the world in a way closer to how G-d intends it. I'm blessed with this opportunity, and so happy G-d is carrying me through with him. He is so kind!!! Literally the Kindest lol! Modeh ani lefanecha, Melech Chai vKiyam, Shehechzarta bi nishmahti b'cḥemlah. Raba Emunatecha!!

WOW, welcome, what a share. What have you done for your sobriety other than making a decision?

Welcome!

Nice share.

b'hatzlachah in continued recovery.

Thank you for that beautiful share!

When you say " to just let some of things out instead of keeping them in my head.", get it out and let it go!

Hatzlacha!

I'm at day 67, an its been one of the hardest. I started off on the wrong foot, slipped 3 times before half the day was done. thank G-d I haven't fallen yet, but the thought keeps crossing my mind- Is it even possible to never do it again?

nope. It's only possible to stay sober today.

gibbor120 wrote:


I love that! My favorite line yet!

Thank you for the posts. Keep up the good work. And keep posting.

...I fell...three times.


I know its going to be ok. but it's been so hard, and know I just poured 3 more buckets of poisonous imagery into my brain.

I know I'll survive, but I feel like I just ruined my next few weeks (my last weeks in yeshiva) and that this time that was supposed to be so precious for growth, is now going to be consumed in trying to force horrible images out of my head.

its so wierd how after a fall i sometimes feel so clear headed and calm. like the yetzer hara did his job so he can take a break for a moment. My head just sort of feels empty, and my body relaxed. I'm kind of sad though. I'm sad for the people that were cheering me on, and for the people I was motivated to do so well for,and I'm sad for the loss. I know though, that this was just a battle, and I'm here to win the war.

My journey originally started during pesach- arousal from above. It was relatively easy, I was riding a spiritual high from the holiday. Now I've got the opportunity to make this spiritual journey one that starts from my guts.
Even though they were so hard to get, and I really just want to watch them again and again beforehand, I think I'm going to delete the porn videos off my computer. I really don't want to...but I really do want to...maybe one more time...wow...this is journey is tough eh?

Yep. And it's all about being honest with yourself. That probably means deleting the porn off your computer, if you think you honestly want some reprieve from this. And while you're at it, you may want to honestly ask yourself what other loopholes you're leaving for yourself. Yeah. It's tough. Real tough.

Thanks for being here and sharing! I can relate.

GoldstarNGemara wrote:


sounds like you should talk to someone you trust.

IMHO it is good that you admit to yourself and the Chevra here that there are things about acting out that you enjoy - even post-acting out. I think that without that honesty it would be very hard to move forward.
Hatzlacha!

First off
...be super proud of yourself ....up to here you alone in a sea of who-knows-what have risen to fight the last of the great personal battles ......and regardless of your falls up till now ....just the fact that you even feel a need to do different at all is HUGE! ....and you can do it .......i believe you can .....just like you finished school early ......just like you keep going to yeshiva ......but you need a go to move when your brain hits you with "the need" .....being here might help .....also music ....or reading ......

Keep trying ....one day at a time .....and realize that you are super special

I'm angry and frustrated. and confused. how could this be such a real addiction?! how could I be addicted to something? and why something like this-that is so accessible everywhere I go. and what about other the people who condone it or even promote it? what do I make of the messages that its normal and fine? what do I tell the girl I want to marry? why do I only feel miserable about it now? why do my guts feel like they weigh 10X their normal weight? Why theBAD WORD REMOVED is this such a overwhelming parasite on my life. why theBAD WORD REMOVED do I let pornographic imagery consume my mental space? I could send it away a thousand times but it always comes back! how am i supposed to feel about this never ending war, where defeat is always around the corner. Where is my neshama when I need it?