Hi,

I'm ashamed of all the stuff I've done. I want to turn around a new leaf. I wish I can start everything over again, but some things are too late to change. If I don't do this for myself, then I at least want to do it for my loved ones. I made a decision to change a few weeks ago, I let go of my old life and dropped the chains that were binding me. But I can only hold on for so long... I can feel the chains recoiling themselves around my legs... It's just becoming harder and harder to keep up. I read through some of the threads and I think it might help if I made a daily log here for everyone to see.

I really hope I can make it to 90 days... And beyond...

Welcome
Sounds real good.
What's your plan of recovery?

Bhatzlachah

Looking Up wrote:

Welcome to GYE and the forum! Just as you let your old way on the first day, can you do that every day?

Just for today, God, show me your will and give me the strength to carry it out. My old ways were to hurtful to me and cannot live that way today. Show me the way and give me the courage to follow it. Yakov

WELCOME! You have come to the right place. Keep posting!

Hi,
Welcome to this wonderful world of GYE. I could have written your post. I could not imagine breaking free without help from my dear GYE friends. All of the wonderful people who have responded to your post help me so much. Stick around here and your life will be better than you could have imagined.

I had to tell my wife that my sobriety mattered more to me than our marriage, because without sobriety I was not only less than useless, I would destroy her and our family.

The beautiful thing about shame is...redemption. When I told my story to an SA group of about 60, 25% had to step outside. Not to reject me, but to protect themselves.

It is painful to recount my stuff. But no longer shameful. The rejection I expected from the group continues to be an enduring and endearing, healing acceptance.

My therapist also said our brain heals every time we can tell our story. I think it is true.

So I hope you do not give up. Even if you reduce your behavior to some degree of "dabbling", which I did, the day may come for you as it did for me when the tables turn, and instead of me using my addiction to cope with life, my addiction began using me.

May I ask what this means: "25% had to step outside. Not to reject me, but to protect themselves." ?

That, and what is 'dabbling'?

One fourth of the guys had to step outside due to aspects of the share, aspects that were neither prurient nor illegal, but exceedingly shameful. Further details here would not be helpful.

Dilettantes "dabble' in the arts. My life had not become unmanageable, in my opinion - my family was under one roof and I had a job. For decades, I unwittingly managed stress by surfing "part-time". Dabbling. At one point it became "full time". It was no longer a matter of counting failures per month, each incident a forgivable offense. Now, I am on leave from work. My family is in repair.

Sometimes I feel I'd lay my life down to spare anyone the misery of this progression and wretchedness.

Dabbling is as dangerous as the real thing, because it is the real thing. I was a high functioning addict for decades.

Zero tolerance is the only risk free solution. But this is hard for someone to see who has not experienced first-hand the hell of this addiction when it gets the upper hand and literally takes over.

I wish I knew how to scream that into the ears, hearts, and souls of those who are "dabbling" on this forum and just do not see it for what it is.

Ditto.
I feel like you are reading my mind.

Welcome Looking Up.

I never posted in my life on any forum or message board, never posted comments on websites etc.
I tried it when I joined GYE and found it tremendously helpful.
It's therapeutic to open up and it's so important to be part of a community. Just coming to the site doesn't do that.
All the people on this post are now my buddies. I don't know any of them outside of GYE, yet I feel a real connection to them and their struggles. And I believe that the feeling is mutual. Isn't it?? (if no one responds I will feel sad and depressed)

I see your still with us B"H but I haven't seen your posts in a few days.

Hoping to hear from you....