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90 days and still counting

Mazal tov Palti Ben Layish Yosef Hatzadik!

Hi Palti.
Did your computer break?
We miss your comments.

I find it amazing how some kind words give and still giving so much strength each time the are read.
Thank you all for your words of 'hessed, may the Borei 'Olam Gives you your deserved reward in this world and in the other one..!

I was in exam period and damn it was hard. So much things happened that I don't know how to begin. I'll just tell you the main things :

Last monday for the first time I called someone when I began the feel the urge. My exam week began the next day and I felt very weak after more than a month alone in my room working for them. I call my Rav during the time he told me he was free...but no answers.. I was about to fall in telling myself that this time I did my job as I called someone. Furthermore my TaPhSiC was over..
B"H things didn't go like my YH planned. I listen some jewish music and pray Hachem to save me, what He Did. I called an other friend, one I did'nt told him about my problem. It was not so simple but I told him everything by phone and asked him so h'izuk. No need to say it was very embarassing.. In fact he told me the well-known story of Rabbenou Amram in Kiddouchin 81a, which I knew better than him, but the effect of the call was an obvious miracle !
Hodou LHachem ki tov, ki Le'olam 'Hasdo !

The urge came back tuesday and I called my Rav who answered this time BH ! So I stayed clean for Chabbes and Zman Matan Toratenou !

In His Big 'Hessed, Hachem also allowed me to go to my cousin house on friday, just aftr my exams, and to put him tefilin, mezouzot and birkat habayit.. How enter in Chabbes and Chavouot in a better way ? I thank Hachem for this gift that won't be forget I hope.

Yesterday I tend to be a little sad as usual, moreover after this big events and as I did'nt study as I would have IMAGINE. But it was not reality. I try to fix myself on reality, on present, on what I can do in the moment and stop feel emotions about what I would like to be at the moment.

I try to put myself back on the forum to drink words of wisdom which I missed.

Thanks for listenin' my friends, you are for sure one of the most powerfull channel wherein Hachem Gives me His 'Hesed and Love.

Hi friends,
this last week was very challenging and I fell today morning.

bH I did'nt fall "totally" like I use to, but I needed a BIG reset for my comportment was totally improper.
I was afraid to reset but now I feel better and more honest with myself.

Tomorrow I was really bad, I wanted to go at the end of what I began to do but I had promise to go to Paris to help for minyan. I was sure than the second I would come back home I would go for a big dose of lust and stay there for some time.. bH just before to quit the shul a friend enter and we continued our study about the amazing book of the Rav Tauber "Bait Hayehoudi". That was great boost and now it's like the ruah chtut is gone.

I'm kind of happy because I can work on a big deal for me : the fact that falling once doesn't mean I can go for a second go and so on.. I got some problem with that as I tend to have a black or white way of thinking. The reset will also permit me to wake up and to be more active in the recovery.

To end, I will go to the ohel of the Rebbe in NY for Chabbes so I hope to take strength for the future.

This post is really very optimistic, I would like to feel exactly what I wrote but I know I feel a lot more sad inside, but I won't let the YH destroy this feeling of positivity from my Neshama even if I don't feel it in my heart.

Times are hard, especially after this trip to NY near the Rebbe and the summer in Paris.
Guys, return is hard..
But bH I manage to stay strong. I last fell twice with one week between the 2 falls. My yester hara wants to make me think that no progress was done, but I know he is wrong. Last year, after falling with 130 days clean I would have stay down an entire week, at least. Now, after my two falls I get me up the minutes after, even if I had this feeling of nonsense !

I try to take care of my eyes, really. I fell the exhaust after coming back home, and even there the vigilance shouldn't be off.
I plan to get myself more smiling and to tell 1 or 2 friends about my issue to have more call to do if something wrong would happen, h'v. I plan also 15mn of h'esbon nefesh in the evening and be very regular on reciting kiriat chema chealamita with the book.
But I need to find something to study on the subject, I know it but the handbook don't attract me as I already read it. Maybe Mesilas yecharim one more time. I love "bait Hayehoudi" from R'Tauber but it exists only in Hebrew so I cannot study except when I met a friend of mind but this is not very regular..

Anw I'm still living bH and I'll try to use these hard periods to build a stronger relation with Hachem.

Few minutes ago my father told me "hey wake up, and smile". I was near to insult him. When he get out I was in rage..
Does he know that I'm trying to pray often, even daily on this, and I'm working hard ? Always bad words, especially as I'm making techouva and our opinions are very divergent.
But in a other way I know deep inside, despite this rage that is still here, that this was Hachem talking to me and not my father at all.
I'll try to take the message and make sure it will be done..

In fact, after some reflection, I think the "hey wake up" that he said is the source of the problem, and not so much the "smile".
As I'm trying to progress in yiddishkeit with no help from my family, and seeing them always at the same level I would answer "me wake up ?! YOU wake up !!"
But this is not the way of thinking of a Ben Israel, as I have to admit if someone tell me something true, even if in MY EYES he is not the person to give me this kind of advice.
Really fascinating as I know in me mind what is happening but I don't succeed stopping this feeling of anger in my heart..!

Hi Palti whats doing ?

Sorry to hear about your fall ; i also have falls and some crises. I had to reset my count.
If by "someone strong" you mean me , let me remind you something you know already > small people have small struggles , big people have big struggles ; i would bet my luck that you belong to the group of the biggies. Which ever way you choose to go with my above statement, we must admit that the One that knows the real measure of and who is struggling with what , is The One from Above.
That being said i would be more than happy to hear from you and how are you doing lately.Hatzlacha !

Hi my dear dear friends,
I really need help.. I'll try to be the more precise and concise :

Today I fell again, and 2 consecutive times which hadn't happened for 6 months.
It has been now 1 month that I fall once a week at least.
It is very hard to express what I feel, I don't know what to say and what to think, it's like my mind is going everywhere and nowhere at the same time.

The reason of that is in my opinion that I don't really want to stop. Since 2 day I'm finghting the YH face to face and today on the road to come back home, the only words that came out from me to Hachem were "Please, help me to WANT not to fall.."

I had an amazing example this morning : my cousin was sleeping at home and he has some problem to wake up the morning, so he puts between 6:40 and 7h 20 alarms, one each minute ! Every time the alarm was ringing he putted the "off button" and return to sleep, and this 20 times.. I found myself in this situation, I put a lot of barrier, nedarim, call to friends, filter, limoud, tefilot...but do I really want to stop ? What's the purpose of 20 alarms, barriers, if the deep will is not to use them to really change ?

I don't know really why I "want" to stop.. One obvious reason owuld be for my future wife but it is not enought because :
- she's not here yet
- I think that if the will of change is for an other reason that for myself it won't be so true and if the reason to stop is going away, then the problem will going (back to me)..
I don't know if I'm clear..
I need some advise : why are you wanting to stop ? Except the fact of touching the bottom and be on the way to touch it. Is there an other reason possible ?

bH and bli neder I'll begin to post every day for this week and take a real moment like 15mn to talk to Hachem about what I feel and not about what I would be supposed to feel. I plan to buy some books on the subject and begin again the handbook !

Know that every single words of encouragement and advise would be very very very appreciated..! Anw thank you for reading and liking, even if it could seem stupid it is a big part of my fuel for recovey !

Let's check tomorrow b"H !

newaction wrote:


Thank you very much NA,
your answer and asking for news is really important for me
I hope my message will give you the opportunity to give me some more good advise !
Hoping to have good news to communicate tomorrow !

You wrote a long post there and things are not that simple . First and foremost you deserve our full recognition of your valor and heroism . You are in this struggle with all your force and will , and that is already admirable. Kol Hakavod !
About what you said that you dont know why you want to stop. The main reason is always you and your life; not the life of a present wife let alone a future one. Plain and simple your life is unmanageable ,period. You cant have control of your life. With that you have more than one reason to have and feel the desperate need to stop.
Your sobriety is not only sobriety , it is your freedom ; your conquering of your own self. without sobriety you are subdued , a slave with a master giving him orders.
That is bad news. You want to get orders only from The Master of the world. So by giving your life and your will to Him , Hashem gives you back your freedom. That simple and i admit not that easy.
We trust you Palti you can do it , you have all the capabilities , the will and tenacity to succeed , keep on trucking and your good work. Learn from your mistakes , revamp the program and all its tools , pick up your self and look ahead you will reap the fruits of all your efforts and suffering , HATZLACHA !

Hey PY,

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time. We are here for you, and listening...

Big troubles, small troubles, to Hashem can handle them . Give them up to him!