I wanted to begin with telling my story and introduce myself, but I fell yesterday and I think it would be better to focus on the present for the moment because I'm afraid that telling my past will make me going down now..

I give you the main informations of me to have better advices : I'm 20, french (sorry for the english), struggling since 11 years old, real ba'al techouva for 2 years, Shomer Neguia for 1 year, I'm on my first lecture of the GYE book, I read 'Hizouk every day and I study a little of 'Humach, Moussar and Tehilim every day. Since my last fall of yesterday (18 days, my best on chart) i made a "neder" with the TaPHSiC method for 1 month and I also promise to write to my brothers on forum so here I am. I want a change, from now..

Just wanted to ask you some questions about the attitude to have with the 90D Challenge because I don't understand some very important points :

1)The point I understand the least is to leave the battle to HKB"H. I exlain : I'm for exemple sitting in front of my desk working and I feel this desire to enter in luxury, even without internet and all this stuffs. Nothing is done but the desire is here and take more and more space. What have I got to do in this very specific moment ? I tried (not well I'm sure) to speak to Hachem many times like "please Father just save me, I can't face it, give me strength, I love You and I don't want to do this" but without results. I'm sure that I've missed something to succeed with this point so I wanted your advices. I've not begin the 2nd part of the book maybe the answer is there but I also wanted advices of fighters from forum.

2) I have problems with facing the 2 opposite feelings in me when I'm struggling. Some days, I'm like the happiest person on the world, 100% connected with Hachem, speaking with him like a son, feeling Him above me, wanting to pray long Shmona Esré, say Brakhot with Kavana before eating etc... And after days or even hours, I'm like the totally opposite, when desire comes I'm fighting but in these moment when I need Him the most I don't feel He is with me anymore.. It make me very sad because I say to myself :"In fact you are good when you have no problems but when He send you a nisayon you can't even show your love to Him so your love is not real in fact".

I think my 2 questions are kind of related, or maybe I'm wrong. I really need help to see more clearly the situation, I'm in those periods when you have 1000 things in mind but you're not able to analyze anything..

Thank you very much, just writting here gave me a lot of happiness, really.

Welcome

Thanks for the share.

Writin' your history can help people address you.

Tell me: why do you wanna stop this behavior?

Palti yossef hi and welcome . What you understand the least , i do understand very well.
If you have to pay the rent of your apartment and we all know that HKBH Helps us to pay the rent . So i will sit in my couch waiting for HKBH to do "his job " and pay my rent ?
It just doesnt make sense. There is a lot of homework to do before HKBH can do His part of the equation. You have to search and know yourself . Are you a happy person by nature and sometimes you fall ? Or you sometimes are a happy person ? Anyways it is important for you to do some thinking and please let us know more about your feelings. Hatzlacha !

WELCOME! It's difficult. The goal is to live in a way that the urges don't come as often or as strong. Keep connected to friends, especially GYE friends that you can share your struggle with.

All your answers made me think a lot..
First time I read your question cordnoy I told to myself "what a question ?! It's so obvious !" but in fact the answer is not so simple.. Despite all my tryings to change I forgot to ask myself the main question : "why do I want to stop?"... I feel it, it's not good. It's not what HKB"H Wants. It's not what I want. I want a real life, not a moovie. I don't want to stay and grow with this mindset of modern goy society where you can base your life on empty things only because it looks good, or fun, or whatever even if you really feel sensations of "pleasure". I want to be emet, just that. I want it so deeply.. I could write for hours and I'll do asap to tell my story, as you said even if it hurts it would be very usefull.

To talk a little about the answer of newaction, I found it very interesting. Now I can ask more precisely what I don't understand : Do you mean that if you do "your part" of the job to let HKB"H do His, you'll never have to face those situations when you have to fight desire ? I don't know if you understand my question.. I think I found a part of the answer in the "old" house of gibbor on forum. I don't remember the words exactly but it was something like learn to live confortable even if the situation is unconfortable. If someone could talk a little more about this notion because I face a lot of difficulties with that. Newaction noted it very precisely (when I read it I was like "how does he know that, so tru?!") I unfortunatly tend to be "a happy person sometimes" only.

Welcome to the forum! Your story need not contain all the depraved details of your addiction. Maybe talk about the character defects that you struggle with. You can talk about the positive character traits as well. And call someone if you feel like acting out. It is suggested to call people every day, even when you are doing well.

Hatzlacha!

You know they say Hashem is like your shadow "ה' צלי" however you move so too your shadow , however you act towards Hashem spirituality so too Hashem moves towards you.
at the exact same proportion . Situations will always come and your natural desire will be there but Hashem will give you the power to put everything in its perspective and dont fall for it. Start working friend , Hatzlacha !

Nice advices friends, thanks a lot !

Already thinking about writting my story but I think my pride stops me. In fact I've always been seing things as "good or bad" "perfect or not good at all". Dov chizuk mail of yesterday made me realize a huge think : Hachem don't want me to be perfect, He just Wants me to be me and walk on the way He Wants for me modestly, even if sometimes it SEEMS (in my little point of view) not good. Kind of releated with Chizuk of today in which I recognize myself amazingly :"I want dveikout more than anything", yeah I WANT dveikout, but does HACHEM Wants it for me ? Especially when it means being full of lust inside ? I don't think so.. And more, I'm really thinking that Hachem is "happier" when i walk in the street with a true smile than with 2 or 3 hours of studying Torah for MY DVEIKOUT, not His (Baroukh Hou). Hope I'm still understandable..!

So the fact is that I wanted to write an "unperfect but perfect story".. Like with good words, which would have make good impressions on you from forum etc.. But know I see things more clearly : I want to be me, even if story doesn't sound so well, if nobody reads it, if I don't really feel Hachem as much as I wanted. I'll write my story to be me like the one Hachem Wants for me, and this is already so good to think in this way.

All of that I wrote is thanks to you.

Beginning to see more clearly, beginning the real 'Avodat Hachem !!

+ I'll soon write on the Frech forum to have phones numbers as you suggested ! And I really want a mentor too ! So much things of kedousha to do, amazing !

Thanks for advices

just write from your heart.

b'hatzlachah

Hi friends, do you think it would be a good idea to talk to my parents about this addiction ? I think I'm not ready yet but i have to begin to think about it (I'm still living with them). My parents have always been with me on difficult moments and I'm sure they could help me a lot. Furthermore we have a lot of iPad and PC at home and this is a big deal for me.. But I'm afraid to tell them, I think they will surfer a lot hearing that their son began watch unproper videos since 10 years old because of school friend. Wanted your advice on that point.

+ I also want to speak to my Rav this week but he is kind of Young (38yo) and baal techuva so I don't know if I should.

It usually works out when we speak to trustworthy people.

b'hatzlachah

If you think they may suffer with this new realization maybe it wont be fair to tell them. AA book page 74 "It may be one of our own family, but we cannot disclose anything
to our wives or our parents which will hurt them and make them unhappy..."

Ok thanks for advices. I think I will speak to my Rav so, if I have the strenght bH.. I'll tell you what will happen.

(+ I find TaPHSiC method really effective, I would have fall at least one time and certainly more without it these days)

And I wanted to share something with you, I've noticed that the moment when I'm the most happy and very very far from lust is when I'm giving to someone. Seems unlogical but I feel it, I feel good and usefull to someone, like helping sister with homework or try to ask people for tefilin at School. Only the come back in bedroom is hard when I'm alone again.
Hope this period of giving of myself will continue ! Ty for helping !