It's all good The aleph-ayin thing is very helpful, and this:

"Don't act with yourself like a lawyer"

from pirkei avot.

Basically, if I want to do one thing, and I'm telling myself to do the other, I shift from being a lawyer for the one side, to being a judge listening to both sides and trying to find a gentle resolution.

Too tired to write an example...anyhow, it's working well.

bs''d

I have been trying to apply the ideas in the first parts of this discourse:
breslovweb.breslovresearchi.netdna-cdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/08/LM_V1.130-166.pdf

Basically any importance given to an entity that's not G-d inherently has a weak foundation, and all aveiros have their core in such an error.

Or in other words, we should be glad for the life G-d gives us. (He's the one keeping us alive, after all...I like being alive, don't you? Well, sometimes I forget how nice just "being alive" is and decide something else is more important.

Talk about the Angel of Death...)

It's a good one. Enjoy.

Thanks for your posts. Glad your here sharing with us.

bs''d

Least I can do...this is more a catharsis right now and less an active attempt to help anyone...but if something I share helps someone, great! (Thank the one who taught it, not me.)

It is so helpful to me to be here and so helpful to know that the GYE community is there if/when I need you folks.

Thank you for doing what you do.

^(This is something called "humility for the wrong reasons". It's discussed in the footnotes. They say it's a good idea, so I'm practicing.)

I'm going to speak something out here, if nobody minds, and no these aren't my own ideas (source is generally Rabbi Nachman, with some parts of Tanya that I learned from word-of-mouth stuck in, and probably some mistake for good measure):

There is no lie that wasn't at some point productive. We want food because it helps us stay alive, to a certain point.

The problem is that we forgot the circumstance, and decided, e.g. as a body, to want food because we want food, instead of wanting it because it keeps us alive. This is insanity, and unfortunately, evolution is (in a certain way) on the side of insanity.

There is a "shadow" of all of the desires we have that haven't been returned to their root, whether that root is in the animal soul ("I want to stay alive") or the G-dly soul ("I want the world to reach a point where everyone can get along, no matter what that takes from me"), and we work through that shadow.

The shadow is, in other words, all the lies for which we haven't yet found their basis in truth.

I will say right here: Lust comes from the G-dly soul.


Think about this:

Keeping peace in a house is an ultimate task of "getting along" : I've heard that peace between a husband and wife is not "natural" and takes huge sacrifice.

Raising a child is also an ultimate task of bringing someone to a point where he can "get along the world", even through every insanity the child faces.

The problem is, we separate the idea from its root. I don't want to give up the "no matter what it takes from me" for whatever peaceful fantasy I've come up with...because if I did, I'd realize that the only way it can peacefully work is in the context of marriage and of sacrifice...

...and that if G-d says "this won't work" then it won't work no matter what I try.

I will say one more thing. The same harmony with the world that we want for our kid, at any cost: It's OK to want that for ourselves, too. Another expression of the G-dly soul, actually together with the animal soul...

Pursuing something less than the actual mission of the G-dly soul is insanity.


I know that this might be less helpful for someone actually dealing with the addiction, but at least for me, pinpointing the madness seems to have helped. I am so grateful to have some sort of sense of truth...(now someone please tell me why I'm wrong xD)

L'Shalom
LBLD

Sorry; I'd love to help, but this stuff is beyond my pay grade.

Keep at it though!

bs''d

Thanks cordnoy, and so I have.

I read on the forum the other day that someone suggested reading psalm 119 in the morning to "clear the mind" or something like that...I read it toward the end of shabbos, and was deeply impressed by how effective this is.

All of the tehillim, actually (from what I've seen) are very powerful in this respect.

When I started reading tehillim, one that struck me deeply was Psalm 15.

"G-d, who will sojourn in your tent; who will dwell in your mountain?"

"He walks innocently; he does Justice; and Truth murmurs in his mind."

I would suggest that we all fulfill this latter verse, to some degree...particularly the last clause. We try to shut it off, but it continues...It is not in our nature to forget Truth forever.

The whole kapitel is worth reading, like everything else.

L'Shalom
LBLD

bs''d

It's strange, I feel a horrible loneliness again.

I feel helpless, knowing the goal and not knowing how to get there. I'm involved in a mitzva, even, even the mitzva of talmud torah.

I don't know if I'm frustrated because I'm not seeing results, or if I'm frustrated because I started studying quantum mechanics (it seems like the scientists using it are very close to noticing the truth) in place of Torah...

And the only answer I have for myself is what G-d said to Moshe, "Shtok"... I don't know what to change next. Something, obviously.

Rabbi Nachman says one aspect of the "crown" is "WAITING"...This is quite evident in quantum mechanics. Defer judgement till it is useful for the goal we want to achieve. By deferring judgement, we remain focused on the goal, and we gain "power" and a readiness to be whatever we need to be.

An analogy is to the Lich in the cartoon "Adventure Time"...The Lich is a consciousness, not bound to any body, but bound to its purpose..."to destroy all life". It is so loyal to its purpose, that at one point, it finds that there is nothing it can do to achieve its purpose...

And it stops moving. It just stops doing anything at all. It waits for something to change.

And later, something does change, and it sees a way to achieve its goal, and it immediately jumps into action. Analagous to a lion.

Now, our purpose is a far cry from "to destroy all life"...Chas!

V'shalom aleinu.

"Shalom" -- To share G-d's blessing, k'vayachol, into the world. But to become as committed to this purpose as that fictional Lich...it takes some work.

I don't know what to do next, but certainly I know why. Daven, maybe?

L'shalom
LBLD

Thanks for sharing. Does studying Quantum Mechanics help your sobriety?

serenity wrote:


Thanks for reading!!

And thank you for asking the right question! Answer: Nope, it seems to drive me bonkers.

I tell myself I'm pulled to it because of hypothetically doing it "L'Shem Step 12", but it seems like in practice I don't do that and end up just feeding my ego:

"Ooh, how can they see so much and not see the last couple steps? Haha, I'm better than them, ha."

Better RUN away Staying sane is rather important.

Thanks for your guidance!
LBLD

Long Breaths Long Days, do you have a background in physics? As a science geek myself, my experience with studying advanced material before a mastery of basic principles is that anything you take away from your studies are more creative projections and misapplied interpretations than actual scientific concepts. It's the same when goyim and non-educated Jews study Kabbalah. You need the right foundation before you delve into the field. If not, it could be a very frustrating and even depressing exercise, one that could lead you to incorrect conclusions.

bs''d

TalmidChaim, I know what you mean. It is difficult to answer your question without going into the specifics of what I've seen.

The Gemara trains us to know the difference between a basic principle and a contingent principle.

Once a person can make this distinction, it is possible to see what information is missing from an understanding of any topic at all...literally any topic. Then we can trace backwards to the core...

It turns out that someone (particularly a knowledgeable Jew) approaching even an advanced topic with a "simple" mindset will see the assumptions that have taken root in the field, which are actually "idols" of a sort.

There is one "idol"/assumption which particularly shocks me, which creates a reliance on a measurement called "Shannon entropy" that extends to every physical measurement...literally every single measurement, regardless of its specific nature.

Shannon entropy measures the amount of information provided by a message.

In simple terms:

I want to choose between four movies. I take two coins, make my 2x2 chart of the different options. Flipping the coins provides me two Shannons of information, and then I pick my movie.

I want to choose between two movies. I take two coins, make my 1x2 chart of the different options. Flipping the coins provides me two Shannons of information., seemingly.

Except...that is deceptive (i.e. the concept itself is deceptive.) The two flips provide one, not two, pieces of information. I have made my choice even without the second coin flip, so including it doesn't provide any information.

--

Extend this concept to Fundamental Actors. (I can't think of another name for these). It doesn't matter who those actors are; what matters is that they exist.

They have a certain way of choosing an action, that relies on a message (or "messenger") (or "malach") containing certain parameters.

Until that information is provided, they cannot make their "choice" and so they cannot "act". They have their way of doing things/"yetzer", but not the information to actually choose an action.

(And so they exist only in yetzira, not in asiya.)

Once the entropy of the message reaches zero, the yetzer combines with the information to "act". In other words, it descends to asiya.

You may tell me I am misinterpreting Shannon Entropy, but no...Shannon Entropy is misinterpreting the world.

--

If the entropy of a message isn't zero where the action takes place, then we can reach a simple conclusion: What we are looking at *is not the actor.*

Understand this well.

E1: Even defining the nature of the "yetzer" is a choice of sorts...a thing can have one way of acting, or another. Choosing a way of choosing how to act is itself a sort of "yetzer"...well, really the word for this is a "borei".

There is only one "Borei Olam".

E2: It's important to realize that while we have a certain ability to choose our yetzer (kevayachol, like G-d) this ability is incomplete and is strictly a gift from G-d. Torah bridges this separation, kevayachol.

It's also important to realize there is a level beyond "borei", but this is completely beyond our ability to grasp.

L'shalom
LBLD

bs''d

TalmidChaim,

It took me this long to realize my mistake, which was pretty serious. I delegitimized the scientists.

They are genuinely searching for truth, and even seeking to "join with G-d" (kevayachol), though it may not be conscious yet. If you understood the previous post, their real desire should be evident from the "mistake" they make.

(As Jews we are in a unique position to strive for the same thing in a different and more direct way, namely through Torah and mitzvot. But only when we become willing to reject our own perceptions, perceived goals, and even our perceived desires, if the Torah suggests that one of them is "lacking" in some way.

If we weren't willing to do so, we would be practically forced to resort to something like what the scientists are doing...therefore their mistake is understandable.

Note well that being willing to reject these perceptions is not the same thing as actually rejecting them, but rather it leads to something like superposition. )

L'shalom
LBLD

Inspiration for this post brought to you by Rabbi Nachman: www.breslov.org/ask-a-breslover-which-questions-are-ok-to-ask/

Hi LBLD,

A lot of interesting thoughts and insights. As a professional scientist, we might have a lot to discuss, maybe through PM.

I'm sorry that I'm late to this thread, but I missed the connection to recovery that quantum mechanics, etc. has, though I'm sure it's there.

I have, myself, given up on musing scientifically, about recovery, beyond the simple biochemical issues at play. It's a pretty straightforward neurotransmitter imbalance with profound spiritual ramifications. Beyond that, for me at least, any debate is just academic and counterproductive.

bs''d

Quantum mechanics just happened to be where Hashem directed my "histaklut". Probably a nice gift to show me how that's been corrected to some degree. See Likutei Moharan 23 for some specifics, as well as what seems to be a more clear and complete version of what it looks like I was trying to say on May 11.

I'm certainly not perfect yet, though, and there have been some gentle reminders of that in the past couple days as well.

Very strange experience. I started trying to talk through my thoughts with other people, and immediately all doors closed. People were busy, I was tired, they were tired, etc. etc. in addition I was feeling lonely. Speaking with the therapist yesterday helped...I hadn't realized how utterly off-track I've become.

I stopped exercising, I stopped keeping my bedtime, I stopped keeping my living-quarters organized, I stopped keeping to a schedule, I stopped doing hitbodedut, I slept through the halacha classes I frequent, my chavrusa cancelled...And despite all this, G-d helped me get out of bed rather than letting me sink into fantasy or whatever I might have done before.

(Well, I posted on GYE, admittedly. And watched some science lectures.)

(And revisited some secular shows I'd learned from...it was interesting, I was like "I want to revisit this" but then...umm...automatically? got scared because pritzut and ended up watching the ones I thought were ok...then some of those turned out not to be, and I'm not sure if I was fooling myself or not...idunno. Bleh. Better be careful moving forward.)

So. Teshuva, apparently? I can't tell from where I sit. I know I'm not honest with myself, and I know that extends to things I don't notice.

Tomorrow could chalila vechas be many times worse.

V'shalom aleinu.

At any rate, rather than staying as vulnerable as I somehow ended up this week, better to get back on track.

L'shalom
LBLD

bs''d

Seems like the "staying vulnerable" thing isn't a choice right now. So I'll have to ask for a lot of help. Another day would put the count at חן...that'd be nice.

Nigunim have been incredibly helpful. Likutei moharan has been incredibly helpful. Halacha has been incredibly helpful.


As a side note: Does anyone know of sources about the "ten types of song"? I'm looking at Likutei Moharan 205 and gemara in Pesachim (49 I think? Maybe 149) and am of course very confused, since study takes TIME, WORK, PERMISSION, HELP...

But I am not sure where to find mekoros on how the types translate to the level of structure. (e.g. rhyming, vowel structure, musical structure).

Particularly, which tehillim in the tikun klali correspond to which types? Or better yet, has someone who knows what they're doing classified any nigunim? I would so love to know.

Good shabbos
LBLD