Hello friends!

I will be starting 90 days. I don't know about how well I've done in the past because I...don't know, but at any rate, working on this with cheshbonot, and public ones no less, seems like a wise step.

I think I can commit to an entry every two days, so I am going to follow a rav's rule of thumb for goals and half that that to, b'li neder, at least one entry per four days.

Notes on stepping in: The following are things that should get done in the near future, b'li neder: (1) filter for smartphone, (2) reporting software for all devices, (3) look into email reminders for the chart.

I am thankful to be here.

Chazak ve'ematz!

We are thankful that you are here as well.

b'hatzlachah

Thank you Cordnoy.

This is not an update on the changes in avoda itself, as I want to make myself understand that one update in four days is really okay. bs''d an update will come tomorrow or the next day.

Here is where I am so far, though...it seems important to make this stuff clear.

I started into watching pornography around 11 or 12, which is early. Kept at it for many years...at some point I started seeing the (scientific) literature that this is a bad thing and that it makes people stupid. At the time I was very concerned about not becoming stupid (since apparently adolescence is a time when that gets decided, to some degree) so I curtailed it a lot.

But it was like everything else in my life: When I do one thing, I stay involved in it for a long time, and I stop worrying about anything else. (Great for hearing/reading new ideas, because I can put aside anything else, even -- or especially -- prior knowledge / established opinions. Not so great when it comes to washing dishes, or working close to a deadline.) So there would be "binges" involving the shmutz.

I was very strongly in the habit of mz''l. At one point the frequency was worrying me and I tried to cut back...and it was DIFFICULT, and I barely managed a week, if that. That has been the general pattern.

Even before I became religious, I was a bit ashamed of the viewing itself and managed to cut that part out for longer periods (months). But I continued fantasizing about human beings in/formerly in my life, to the point where the habit didn't really change. This didn't really help with interacting with said humans in a normal way, but I wasn't interacting with anyone in a normal way, so that influence wasn't obvious.

When I did become religious, I started trying harder. I took measures like not sleeping in a bed (helped for a while) and learning till I fell asleep (helped with night, didn't help with mornings.) At one point I would actually sleep in semi-public spaces (not sustainable), immobilizing my hands before I went to bed (not sustainable, and didn't even work). My "clean" record (not that I kept track) in this epoch was something like ten days.

Recently I looked back on these choices in the context of the parshiyot of the ten plagues. It seems to me like many of these choices just served to increase the habit's stubbornness. (I found ways around everything.) Better talk with people who have a clue, particularly my rav -- now that I have one -- rather than always taking my own (or the yetzer hara's) eitzos.

I still will usually sleep in a reclining chair rather than a bed, as this seems to make mornings easier, plus I can read comfortably till sleep overtakes.

When I was in yeshiva, with two great roommates, I was able to hold off longer. I think something like a month G-d kept me standing, then after one roommate left and my brain did something when I wasn't yet awake, then I was falling a few times in a week, managing for a couple weeks, etc. repeated till I had to return to college, to find that I didn't really have any more discipline in this area than before yeshiva.

Finding that convinced me to make some extra distancing...In addition to AdBlock (which I still use because it can block individual elements of a site) I added K9 to my computer and gave the password to a friend, because I would play games, and I would sometimes even seek out ones with shmutz. The games are an independent addictive problem also, as I will play even a stupid game for twelve hours plus without "deviating" if I need that high.

This semester I had more game issues as I found loopholes...like games for the smartphone (which I hadn't figured out filters for yet -- and still need to, as noted above -- you'd think I'd have done that instead of posting, but no, apparently, but I think very soon --) but I hope GYE and some other decisions will help me find a way to stop doing these destructive/distractive things when I have a life to learn to live.

L'chaim!

Perhaps accountability software could help with the binge gaming?

Or perhaps, as Skep suggests from time to time: keep a daily chart of 'time wasted.'

b'hatzlachah

I think the accountability software will help, if I remember it's there, and if it works the way I think it does. I feel very blessed right now to be able to work on addiction from a position of clear-headedness and not a position of crisis...it's rare that I think about these issues, at least in terms of addiction, when they're not actually causing problems.

As promised, first update. A few lust attacks in the past few days, indeed. I am trying to internalize the following complex thought: "Come on, won't the GYE people be happy if you make it one more day? And there are at least ten jews there, so it's really something like G-d being happy too. And you know G-d doesn't want you to sin, but you know G-d's showing you that you want to with this, and if you'd trust in his judgement a bit more and yours a bit less, then there'd be no need to show it. And you know that you can ask for help trusting G-d, and you can trust you'll get that help...well, case in point, you're having this test, right?"

It's a bit complex. I'll keep trying. I'm hoping reading the handbook / maybe one of those commented AA guides, will make it a bit easier to swallow.

I try to chat here and there...one big reason I'm here is the chatroom, because otherwise I'd be in some other chatroom reading about politics and atheism and whatnot.

Challenge areas: public transport, and the class that's 85% girls (estimated). Ignoring / getting through a physical reaction when first defenses fail. Most especially public transport, and walking between classes -- I just don't know what to do with myself, and I flit between "am I offending anyone" and "why" and "focus on where you're stepping, not other things, even if you look like an idiot". It leaves me flustered, feeling like I look like an idiot, thinking how such-and-such might be a chillul hashem, which translates to guilt, which if I'm not careful translates to seeking destructive comfort.

I try to remind myself that yes, I'm not representing Torah Judaism in an ideal way, but I'm doing the best I can and trying to find a good medium...just that in the moment, there's no creative new idea to reach for. Also thinking "you're almost at 1/2/3/4 clean days" seems to help. "ODAAT" -- can't wait to see the specifics of what this idea actually means.

Talking with you folks on chat is super soothing. I remember that "yes, there's a way to do this" "you're an individual but you can still learn from others" "you might even have something useful to share" "your actions affect klal yisroel" all things that are hard to remember sometimes.

Updating the 90 days chart is also fun.

Again with the posting instead of figuring out the filters/reporting! I'll do that now ish.

Edit re: BigMoish's suggestion: time wasted chart -- not sure how to make this an effective tool. It might be good, though. Would probably need to hear a (very) specific approach that has worked.

Another update, as I start the move into shabbos.

Today

I have spent many hours today reading posts on this forum, and thinking about them. This to the extent of ignoring other obligations. I know I have this tendency, and even described it above.

I would just like to say how inspiring and...informative, it is to read others' experiences. I am addicted to this sort of learning, and I know as well as it says in the 12-step workshop summary (step 1) that no amount of information will lead to recovery.

Courage, sincerity

A topic that came up in one of my classes was the difference between connecting with another human being and connecting with the idea of an experience that someone else had. They are different, and it is the difference between something that is alive and something that isn't.

(See Likutei Moharan first sicha, I find myself repeatedly going back to it...I'm not 100% sure that this is an example of the principle there, but the parallels are astounding.)

As I started reading though gibbor120's dov quotes (I tried to absorb "Captain Kirk") I realized that maybe Dov is talking about the same things I'm trying to internalize. The example that came up in class was showing appreciation...

...I had noticed...that I have a real fear of showing appreciation and also acknowledging that the action is based on -- and exposes -- MY traits (rather than relegating it to "the" traits, that I do because they're right). So I guess when I'm afraid to do that, I'm really, as the handbook puts it, a "kofer" -- covered up.

(The handbook is great!)

It's not just there, though, clearly, that I hide myself. I will hide my efforts on myself, both the parts that are known and those that aren't. People don't know the least bit about who I am or where I am going, or where I want to go, or how. So I do things like skip out on homework to learn about this self that the world doesn't see, at all. (*cough cough* PUT DOWN THE CHIPS *cough cough*)

Last night, and the past.
Last night I had a lust attack. There is a girl I knew in high school. We were very close friends. As I started misusing Judaism, I cut off contact with her...then regretted it and returned. A couple months later, life got preoccupying and I stopped contacting her. When I realized and tried to reach out, there was no response. But I didn't try very hard. I was scared...of my lust, that I wouldn't know how to help, that I would be influenced by her ideas, etc. some fears true, some exaggerated, some false.

Now I wonder if something was very wrong, if I should have tried harder...as with walking, yes it's a girl, but it's not even that, it's the confusion about something REAL, and then I start wanting to make it go away by doing something wrong (Dov's "nuclear reset"). Safek is Amalek -- as we know. But defeat is not the right solution.

I couldn't get any work done. I read some vorts online, since that was something I could do without pushing these questions aside.

Thank G-d I got through, but these questions are real, and need to be addressed.


Two notes:

1. Smartphone setup -- there is a barrier to making the protection work, and one I myself set up in my efforts to make fences. I can't use K9 till something changes. Might just stop all internet use from the phone in the meanwhile, but this will be a nuisance. Doesn't matter over Shabbos, of course.

2. I will be trying to do what Dov explains in Captain Kirk, but there's a point where the forum ceases to be the correct venue...? As it is publicly accessible. I would not be secure in sharing my name...? I say this having seen someone share their name today.

Good Shabbos

Sounds like you're really throwing yourself into this. Great job!

long breaths long days wrote:


Ahem....

cordnoy wrote:


EEP

Sorry. Mixed you two up. The "time wasted" chart, suggested by cordnoy as suggested by Skeptical, is indeed something I'd love to do. b'li neder, I will flesh it out into something doable.

Re: BigMoish's accountability point -- yes. One step at a time, though.

Speaking of...

Last night, I succumbed and played a stupid game on my smartphone for many hours, going to bed deep at night and waking up late. Nothing graphic, nothing "fall-esque" in this site's sense.

This is me being an addict...some people might even think it normal, but no, I had things to do -- yesterday and today -- and this is patterned avoidance, for hours at a time. I do semi-OK things that feel good (in this case, read GYE Q&A) instead of what I should, then when I'm losing willpower I'll do less-OK things (games) that drain willpower fast and give a stronger "high" of control, then from there to start ignoring the mitzvot, or give in to lust, is a small step.

At some point I realized I couldn't stay awake, so I spontaneously uninstalled the thing I was playing, then went to sleep. (Could re-download it in a flash...gotta lock that feature.)


Waking up this morning my thought was "You know, you give up on these things when time seems short and you don't feel motivated. But remember the end of last semester? Things were going terribly, and you tried anyway, and it helped your grades...Not all the way, but they were better than they might have been. Just go crazy and do the stuff that seems hopeless. It's not like you really control the results."

Dov says the 12 steps are a sanity builder, so I assume the whole process here fits that description. So the phrase "go crazy" there feels strange.

I have just reached out to one of the filter gabaim. We'll go from there.


Walking outside: For now I just say over and over, "Nothing you do will make you seem weirder than before. Don't worry. Try to act slightly normal, and don't take every little microexpression as a sign you're doing something wrong."


Re: serenity's jumping in: I've been at this for a while, if not as seriously as the people here. I've gotten your daily chizuk for about eight months. I read Windows to the Soul (or some of it, can't remember if it was the whole thing) a couple years ago, and have been working on that aspect ever since (it's HARD). I kept acting out. So now I'm here.

Today in brief: (writing more for myself still, will try to break that soon)

Last night, had an assignment due at midnight. Left a solid 10 minutes to figure out how to submit...submission failed, couldn't figure it out by the deadline. So now it's 12:05, 65 minutes past when I usually turn off my computer, and I'm a bit upset.

(I'd been telling myself all as I worked "just do it, don't evaluate the sanity of doing it, you can't control the results, you could succeed or fail, just do what you can" a la triangular shoe...then when that reassurance comes true I get upset. That attitude works, though, to get me to work...I just don't seem to hold onto it when the work is done...ehh, there's always room for improvement.)

Then I did a stupid thing and installed another game on the smartphone. That was stupid. A bit before 3 AM convinced myself to stop. Decided to stop waiting on a response from the filter people, uninstalled the game, and used the app blocking software to block the app installation app with an inconveniently long password. I wrote that password on a sticky note, and stuck it under something heavy that's on a high shelf. That should hold my tired self off till I can have someone else hold the password.

No GYE-standard fall. I use games destructively, though, so maybe this would be a fall by that measure...I don't know, doesn't matter yet. Games are lust triggers...It's the same "be-seemingly-whole, be-in-charge, here's a shortcut" idea, and they put me in self-pity mode, which inevitably includes lust. Let's stick with basic "falls" for now though, since I haven't even been able to avoid those for 90 days in many years. Higher standards are for higher madregas.

I have a class in the morning. I woke up at a normal time, but was slow about things...probably because I was staring at a screen at 3 AM (though for a noble cause at that point) and ended up late.

Readings: SA website content (all), serenity's thread, serenity's story. Continuing to wonder if I'm an addict in the making or just exceptionally bad at facing life, and in need of practice.

And I have no idea what happened to the rest of the day. I am getting really curious what this chart would look like if I actually did it. Might be wise to sit on the motivation till it's strong, since it's leaning that way.

We all have those rough days, but you just gotta KOMT!!

I feel honored that you read through my thread. Thank you for the chuizuk!

"If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or if when drinking (or lusting), you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic (or sexaholic)." AA Big Book P. 45. Parenthesis added.

"No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. ... The point is that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. ... We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." Big Book of AA.

Rejoice in our victories, relish our accomplishments, for it those who make us who we want to be.

Hatzlacha!

Really enjoyed Serenity's points, especially these two

1) Spiritual growth/progress - not perfection. It is not an all or nothing program. If your moving in the right direction you are succeeding.
2) instead of focusing on failure relish in all and every accomplishment

Thank you Serenity I've been enriched

Thank you all for your chizuk. It's music to my ears, I think.

serenity wrote:


Internet addict I am, then, or even game addict. From that description, it seems like the lust part is just normal...doesn't make me less of an addict...It's just usually not lust that I use in that way.

I'm 21, but no alcohol for now...The fewer destructive outlets at my disposal, the better. (!!).





Wonderful! Reiterating yiraishamaim: Thank you for this.

I can't remember if it was in chat or in a thread on the forum, someone mentioned procrastination, how really it means fear of failure..."I don't want to know my abilities in this area, so I'll just not try and avoid having them tested." Certainly this makes life easy, but at what cost? NOT KNOWING OUR ABILITIES, NOT KNOWING HOW MUCH G-D TRULY WANTS TO GIVE US...

I live across the street from a place I want to volunteer. I sent in an application, and needed to follow up today. I had a choice: Walk in or call. I called. Why? I didn't want them to see how much I was shaking.

So what if they say know? There must be 50 other places that need volunteers...I just don't want to get out of my comfort zone and actually do it.

Principle 4 (still working through them) is absolutely right...the YH doesn't have to let us know what we really want...and it seems like what I really want is...ignorance of self. To live on bread and water in a pit. (Whose moshel is this? Not mine, it's from somewhere else.)

Before I did that, I was putting it off by reading the forum. I felt that familiar, deadly guilt, engaged it, asked it what it wanted, and about 90 minutes later was finally on the phone.

I still feel that guilt...there's more to do. UGH. How little I know myself...