I guess this is as good of a place as any to throw out a little mashel. Thanks "long breaths long days". A fellow addict related that early recovery can feel like treading water for many of us. I really liked this mashel and it helped me to think through a bit. My life, although better now, was like being out in the ocean treading water. It was a situation that I created. Life was complicated, full of stress, fear, worry and confusion etc. I would tread water until for as long as I could, then I'd swim to an Island for a break. I'd swim to the Islands of Lust, Alcolhol, Drugs and/or gambling. My stay on these Islands was tenuous, unsustainable and ultimately unfulfilled. The Islands themselves were unstable and fraught with danger. They seemed better than the ocean though, and maybe at times they were. So I'd stay there until the pain was worse than the thought of treading water again, so into the water I went. I was in a state of psychic disillusionment and I couldn't see that right there was a huge, stable and safe Island that I could swim to and find peace. I suppose it took a psychic change for me to start seeing that. The place I created for myself was in the middle of the ocean treading water. When I put my will aside, I start to find myself on solid ground.

I used to think that I was treading water and drowning in my addictions. The truth perhaps is that I'm drowning in the craziness etc. of the life I create for myself, and I swim to the Islands of my addictions for temporary relief. It's not the addictions that I need to fix, it's the manner in which my life is lived.

Hatzlacha!

Wow, what an amazing metaphor! That's one of the most elegant and profound ways of describing addiction, and it's something on which I'm really going to meditate.

I also love the fact that this metaphor had to be crafted by two forum members; Serenity building on an idea from Long Breath Long Days. That's what this place is all about. Only by taking advantage of one another will we be able to reach such profound heights!

Amazing job, guys. Thank you!

Love the mashal! Thanks!

Thank you serenity for sharing...it is interesting. Big island...sort of like kriat yam suf? This'n's gonna take some contemplation.

Selfwise:
Just renewed my vow. (It was going to expire tomorrow.)

It seems to work as is...I had a near-fall today and was saved by sipping down a glass of grapefruit juice...but I am changing the penalties to fit more with the new workout schedule (i.e. make sure they are properly tortuous). Seems the only penalties I respond to are the ones that cater to laziness...so those I shall use.

Way behind in school, tired, and not especially happy except right after my jog this morning...that was a bright spot

B'hatzlacha

Crazily busy for the first time in years. Good things continuing to brew, kein ayin hara...

I'm sorry, I feel that most of this stuff needs to be kept b'tzniut for a while...

Shavua tov, b'hatzlacha.

May we all be given the gift of a pure mind this year.

OK, a bit of the good stuff. A class on Lynda.com: "Time Management Fundamentals" run by "Dave Crenshaw". The system seems to work...it brings a huge amount of relief. I no longer have to be constantly checking my mind for the thing I forgot I was supposed to do next!

I had a fall on Sunday and had to do my heavy knas...it seems to have been well-chosen...I was worried a 60 minute extension on the jog might be fun; it wasn't, or at least, the last 30 minutes was torture.

I also saw a study where playing with modeling clay for ten minutes reduces chocolate cravings...because it is an activity that requires visualization of the thing to create. Perhaps worth looking into.

'tsall for now

B'Hatzlacha, and a Good Pesach

Craziness. Trying to take responsibility for my life. Having a hard time with it.

The more I step back from lust the more it's like a game of pretend...and a very lazy version of reality, where people are connected by something other than effort and trust.

I had a hard time the past few days...didn't want to deal with my reality, at all, particularly in the mornings. Couldn't handle it in the mornings. Managed to get into a good mood and face life past that...seders were good, etc.

Good moed all

I'm sorry! I forgot an update. (I'm sure *everybody* noticed. xD)

I've started doing hitbodedut very regularly. I had read Aryeh Kaplan's translation of "The Humble King" by Rabbi Nachman again and started to take the whole humor thing more seriously, for various reasons...I asked to be let "in on" what's so funny in the world to come, so I can laugh with the tzaddikim.

G-d answered me pretty sharply and pretty quickly.

Rabbi Nachman says that the only way to truly understand something is to understand all the jokes about it. He says there is harmful humor, and there is humor that hurts people even though it wasn't supposed to. And "many other types of humor." (The rest is "safe" humor -- where no true harm is done. )

It seems like the trick is (1) knowing what is "true harm" and (2) knowing it is definitely not going to happen. (2) is emuna.

No unmanageable issues with lust since I figured this out. The specifics of the humor involved are hard to write out right now. The basic response to lust is: "If she were to actually feel safe, that would be her mistake" or in shorter terms "Grow up first."

Dangerous territory now -- very dangerous. But I have a mnemonic.

The mnemonic I use is from the gemara (Shabbat 104a) --
"aleph, beth, gimel, daleth" -- "aleph binah, gomel dal".

"aleph binah" -- master understanding -- know how to recognize the different types of humor, and the meaning of true safety.
"gemol dalim" -- give to the poor -- accept the opportunity create a world where true safety is recognized and ensured.

"heh vav" -- This is the Holy one, Blessed be He.
It continues...the whole section is worth reading.
Have fun everyone!

Good luck man. I am major into hisboidedus so I say keep it up. Reb shalom arush has a book on it called forest fields. Recommended reading.

Another one is the Garden of Emunah

shlomo613 wrote:


I have it with me right now. A friend gave it to me in yeshiva; I've been reading it. It's terrific.

Garden of Gratitude too. He has a ton of books out. Garden of Peace I've seen, Garden of Purity came up in conversation once.

shomer bro: Garden of Emuna is the well-known one; I'd love to read it.

Garden of Emuna, Garden of Gratitude, and Garden of Peace take together will make you into an instrument of fulfillment of the ultimate meaning of life. All consciousness should be filled with gratitude and a feeling of being cared for, that transcends circumstance completely.

This isn't just some nut religious idea...It actually follows from utilitarianism!

Read about Roko's Basilisk, then read what I just said again. I think this goal transcends any and all religious practice, but as I think on the Torah, it seems like this idea fills the whole thing.

long breaths long days wrote:

Sounds awfully intelligentB)

It is. It's not from me, though, it's from G-d.

נחמו נחמו נחמו

Thank you all. You, Rabbi Nachman, and particularly Rabbi Shalom Arush, and many other chachamim over the past long while, led me to this.

It is important to appreciate each step in this. After all, it is the meaning of life.

Rabbi Nachman's stories all allude to it though. In particular, the entire process from beginning to end is alluded to in the story The Sophisticate and the Simpleton.

azamra.org/Essential/sophist.htm

I am working through a more patient treatment. This one may skip some steps.

I think the main thing is to recognize a few short points, included below. Don't go from one to the next until you are completely confident. Send me any questions, but not on Shabbos...why? Because the Torah is true.

1. Happiness is when something identifies with something (physical, mental, spiritual) and wants it to live, and that thing has everything it needs to do so.

2. There is no good in the world except happiness. There is nothing else that anyone desires.

3. Embarrassment is wanting something (physical, mental, spiritual) not to live, and finding out that something identifies with it and wants it to live, and that it was in your power to let it live along with everything already in your "charge".

4. Pain is wanting something to live, and finding out that you can't.

5. To crown something King over something is to say that the King will take care of the life of something that is identified with, rather than yourself.

6. Humans have a completely flexible sense of self, but the Yetzer Hara tries to get us to forget it.

7. Everything in the world seems like it is going to die.

8. The True King didn't want us to be embarrassed, so he created the world and revealed himself, in order that we crown him King.

There are more steps and I may have skipped some accidentally...I'll give you a hint, though, that it ends in redemption.

NOW Good Shabbos
ירמיהו שי

So the above may have been premature...he IS coming, but it will take some serious work. Ultimately it's up to G-d, of course. xD

Anyhow, I've figured out I'm just an Ayin, and that the yetzer hara would really rather I secure life for myself...which can only happen through Torah.

As the gemara says "If that rascal bothers you,drag him to the Beit Midrash". Seems to work. That or I start thinking about the aleph-bet, the names of Hashem, and what they mean...The tips in the first chapter of Shulchan Aruch are helpful.

I stopped exercising for a while and downed fiber intake after Pesach...decided to correct for that today, which my body apparently did not appreciate at all. Poor guy.

Better stay in touch; the yetzer hara just loves to retreat till we forget him. But realize his big motto is "Perhaps you will die...Sin and probably don't!" Which is of course absurd...life is in Torah and Torah Sheb'al Peh (what the Rambam calls "mitzvot"), including any "life" the Y''H promises us. Well, that and actually marrying and making a living.

Easier said than understood. One hint...note his name's initial letters. The Yetzer Hara has a very holy origin.

ירמיהו שי