I have been kept busy...someone's bracha seems to have had an effect No fall!

Scrap that. Had a fall. Being at home can be difficult...Perhaps I should consider a TaPHSiC. The penalties are generally good things that we're disinclined to do?

Let us know how it works out.

Hatzlacha!

No vow at this point, but I've been making a point of learning the distractions that work. The cold water soak is always a good distraction. I've added in some exercise options...a very short walk, or a workout that weakens me. Nothing I do on the computer helps. A cold drink helps, and a hot one doesn't. Praying for help helps, and was key in that initial 30 days...I should get back into that.

I started asking people about what I was like a few years ago (because I don't remember). Not everyone's willing to talk or even listen, of course, and depending how I ask. Seemingly when I try to butter them up with the good things I remember about them, that works.

iy''h aforementioned good things still coming. :D

Where do they sell those brain filter implants? -_-

long breaths long days wrote:


Haha! Well, you know they're overrated; they filter out the good things too

Have you isolated a point in your daily activities where you're particularly vulnerable? I know, for me, isolation and idle-time are big problems.

How's your mood? Do you find that you're angry or stressed before a fall? Acting out is our way of exerting control over things we feel are uncontrollable. If you start thinking that way, you'll see patterns and connections between your mood and when you feel the need to act out.

TalmidChaim wrote:


and if we find out that it's anger, stress, hungriness, restless, or whatever....then what?

TalmidChaim: Waking up and going to sleep. Being tired. Yesterday it was sleep deprivation (haven't had a headache that bad since high school)...I let myself be convinced to fall while I thought I was trying to take a nap. This morning...I don't know, I think it was "just" that I've had so many falls this week, without rebuilding defenses.

That combined with a feeling of helplessness...school is turning into too much for me. It's weird that that makes me feel helpless, though, as I do have a plan B that's already in motion. I guess I've fallen into society's whole "if you can't get through college you're worthless" thing.

cordnoy: If being tired is the issue, I need to be even more careful about not letting myself be tired. I had a teacher who said that when we're tired, even thinking is dangerous.

(e.g. I should make a point of going about my day in a way that when night comes, I am physically exhausted.

That recent email where someone mentioned a Shulchan Aruch about sweating for a mitzva as an atonement for MZ''L makes this even more important...I guess I'll even be sweating for the mitzva of "don't be MZ''L" so it's quite direct in a way. But I worry, because lately I've been falling asleep in the period of time when we're not supposed to eat a meal lest we fall asleep and miss maariv.)

Just made a one-week vow...not comfortable with using Hashem's name. Penalties involve what are (for me) long runs. Distractions are some of those I've mentioned above. We'll see how it goes.

"and if we find out that it's anger, stress, hungriness, restless, or whatever....then what?"

I get your point, Cordnoy. I'm just suggesting that the OP might be particularly vulnerable at certain points of the day, or in certain states of mind. I should have mentioned, though, that it's not possible to micromanage all of these variables, and that the point is to just be aware of these vulnerabilities. Is it counter-productive to know that you're especially prone to acting out in certain situations, even if those situations are unavoidable?

White Book

The Inner Landscape. Most of us can see how memories and fantasies can act as triggers. Intangibles we are likely to identify on our own are such things as failure, rejection, or criticism. More remotely identifiable triggers are such things as feelings of loneliness, alienation, world weariness, boredom, isolation, "the lonely crowd," and other manifestations of unfulfilled God-hunger. Also, nudging usto reach for our drug are such things as a heightened state due to anything from compulsive work, anger, resentment, anxiety, fear, excitement, or haste, to such things as stimulating foods or beverages or even intellectual or aesthetic excitement. What we seem to be discovering is that just about anything can become a trigger, indicating that there's an underlying pathology driving our thinking and behavior. This can help us see how the whole person must be involved in recovery. Recognizing and accepting our limitations thus become crucial to recovery.
Susceptibility to such triggers is one factor behind our use of the program slogan HALT-Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired.

TalmidChaim wrote:


Nope.

..."intellectual or aesthetic excitement," Oy, well there it is in black and white. I really have to work on mellowing out too.

HALT -- Nice! Thanks for this.

Time for an update. bs''d I got something done that has been weighing me back in schoolwork...essentially there was a difficult task that required me to do something simple to start doing it, and I couldn't figure out the simple thing...that was about a month ago. I was in a good enough mood last night to figure it out -- while someone else provided emotional support. So now I'm a month behind, but not stuck any more! Thank you G-d!

Still exercising...Thursday, I discovered pull-up negatives...sore ever since. I also had the courage to ask around to figure out who to go to to get my head tefillin fixed and checked...not a simple task, apparently, and certainly a scary one.

Tuesday I discovered lentils, and I have been eating copious amounts (Three dry pounds since Tuesday)...A good source of protein AND fiber!

The shavua is helpful in several ways:
1. It's written down, and it's long, so I have to schlep over to the wall where I stuck it to read it.
2. It's written down, and has a list of distractions, so I usually don't have to think very hard to find a distraction. (Does it make sense to limit the list of distractions for the shvua to the ones that "always or usually" work? I've found there are some that only work when I'm in a certain mood, namely foot-soaking.)
3. I don't want to go for an hour-long run, so I then do the distractions.

I made the shavua when I found that I didn't want to be clean (and all that entails...anyone seen the Twilight Zone episode with the genie in a bottle?) nearly as badly as I knew I "should want to be clean". I understand where the disconnect is, but it'll be rough living up to it. Meanwhile hopefully the shavua helps.

I'm not sure whether to review the attitude handbook or start on the white book, and I'm also not sure when.

L'Chaim B'Hatzlacha

long breaths long days wrote:


tomorrow is always a good day to start.

b'hatzlachah