Thanks for the share and the honesty. You give me chizuk.

Thank you all for your comments. I am completely embarrassed that it's taken me so long to respond. Same excuse as before: the limited opportunities I get (given the privacy required) are often when I need to do something else.
Anyway, using this as a sort of diary, I am also embarrassed/frustrated that I have had a couple of proper "falls" despite starting off being confident that I would be successful first time around!!
The first fall started off by looking at things that were not technically breaking the rules but were arousing. You probably won't be surprised that it lead to a fall.
The second time, I was trying to avoid that mistake but made the mistake of daydreaming about permissible sex (ie with my wife), with the same result.
I'm now hoping for 3rd time lucky. My new strategy (PG) is to not think about sex at all, even permissible sex, other than in the moment.
I'm also hoping that a side benefit will be that when I am intimate with my wife I can be confident that I am not using her as a substitute for masturbating, which concerns me at the moment. I would be interested to hear the views of more experienced GYEers on trying to be 90(+) days clean vs being intimate with one's wife?

Once again, the thinkin' of how to do this when I'm sober, or am I simply substitutin'....that is all so to speak the atzas hayetzer...it is your responsibility to be sober. If marriage brings about intimacy, so be it....that is part of life and a positive. I am more concerned with your recovery methods. Yes, you are focusin' on your eyes and what you click on, but 30 years (which by the way is around the same much as mine)!? Don't you think that there is somethin' there which brings this about? Were you simply not able to control yourself for so long? Perhaps, but I think it may be productive to examine this avenue.

b'hatzlachah

Hi,

You are working hard on making gedarim, which is great and necessary. But, many of us found that we have a void in our lives, and use acting out to fill that void. Learning to live in a healthier way, removes (or at least partially fills in) the void, and makes living more enjoyable. It requires less effort, less often to overcome urges.

Keep posting as much as you are able. Read the handbook. Read some of the links in my signature.

טו. סוּר מֵרָע וַעֲשֵׂה טוֹב בַּקֵּשׁ שָׁלוֹם וְרָדְפֵהוּ Tehillim Perek 34

I like to think of this verse in terms of recovery. At first we may resolve to and we may stop our lustful behavior "Turn from evil". Then positive action, ,וַעֲשֵׂה טוֹב brings us further along and strengthens our resolve. Once we are taking positive steps, we then start to daven for serenity "beseech peace" and experience it. We must be willing to go any lengths for recovery. The fact that we have turned from our behavior, started a plan of action and are starting to feel good and peaceful isn't enough. We need to "pursue" our recovery with our time, energy and devotion. You know what I'm saying? רָדְפֵהוּ
That is a very strong word. Perhaps someone has a nice vort to show the strength of that word. Personally I think of it as an all consuming pursuit of recovery that takes paramount importance in my life above everything else. If I pursue recovery like that, it cannot escape me.