I echo what everyone else said.
Part of workin' the steps is to realize that porn or masturbation was not the problem; it was the solution.
We need to find out what the problem was that was causin' this solution.

b'hatzlachah

Thanks for all of the insight!

Yes, I do believe that there is some underlying issue that makes me feel down and instead of merely trying to find an alternative escape, I really want to confront these issues and deal with them in a healthy way. However, I can't figure out what exactly the "trigger" is. I have been trying for several months already to pay attention when I am feeling like that but I have not been able to pinpoint any specific pattern. I am pretty sure it has something to do with very critical parents and me feeling inadequate/a failure/a loser/not loved/'nerdy'/someone who cant trust in themselves/a bad person/broken/lonely/missed the boat etc. But sometimes I try to tell myself "You are ok" and sometimes that helps a bit but usually I don't really believe it. Sometimes I try to tell myself "You are ok, and you are loved, and you are a good person" but I don't really feel it. I cant believe I am writing this. I am sitting here crying away in front of my computer. Other times I just don't feel taken care of and not cared for (is that the same thing as before?). I try telling myself "It is ok, you will be taken cared of" but, like I said, it doesn't really go in. Other times, I don't know if it has to do with any of those things. I just feel rotten. Sometimes it is because I did something wrong (i.e. miss shacharis) but many times I really cant pinpoint it. This cycle gets very overwhelming and feels very hopeless (which also makes me feel just helplessly messed up ) I have tried seeking out help from rabbeim as well as proffesionals and it doesn't feel like anything will ever help. And this doesn't even start to get into all the feelings of shame and guilt!

Wow. That is the first time this has existed anywhere other than in my head. I don't think I ever even got this far with a rav or therapist. I must say that reading so many people sounding like they were able to pull themselves out has really given me some motivation to give it another go. (I had resigned myself to being miserable forever) Also, the really nice responses has already helped me overcome a few instances in the last 2 days! I hope that this time I can turn this into something real and lasting instead of another flash in the pan...

Well it is already late. I gotta go throw out my tissues and run to my chavrusa! Thanks for all of the positive feedback, it really has meant a lot to me!

Things from childhood can definitely be at the core of your feelings about yourself.

I highly recommnend reading/listening to some Dr. Sorotzkin. I have a link in my signature to his site. He has stuff on acting out and perfectionism among a lot of other great articles and audio.

Check it out.

It can be hard to find the right rav/therapist. A good one is gold. A bad one is useless.

thanks! I checked out some of the articles from Dr Sorotzkin and a lot of the things he was saying were really resonating with me. Especially the parts of being criticized as a child and not having intimate relationships. But what do I do with that information now? How can I "get passed" that??

Thanks to everyone for their support and suggestions! I am really finding them helpful. It has only been 5 days so far but this is the longest I have been "clean" in a long time. Thank you!!!!! Ha'livai vaiter!!

He would probably say "see a therapist"

But, a good friend, a good rav, a good mentor, a good SA group can all help. Talk to people about your feelings, your disappointments, get it out of your system, accpet it and move on. That is the best I can think of.

Hi W2S!!!

I felt like crying too when I read that post. Seems like this childhood abuse really hit hard. I can't say I relate at all, but when I try to imagine it I feel like I would be miserable too.

I don't have much to say I guess the smarter guys can do that. But if you see yourself as such a looser which you of course are not. Try to think about the many things your good at like, I still never gave up on being sober, I am learning in kollel, I have a nice family, good husband , good father etc. Your strong point don't even have to be ones that anyone ever can see in you besides yourself and that's what counts. We judge ourselves the way others look at us and that's really such a lie because the one that really knows us best are ourselves. I'm sure you can come up with over 25 things that you are great at. Just thank hashem for them and you can even write them down and go over them when you feel down and add one more each time.

Just my 2 cents which is not my strong point at all.

Hang in there brother!!!! KOMT!!!!

Thanks for the support and advice!

g120, that would be great - except that I have no money for a therapist and I am way to embarrassed/ashamed to discuss any of this with anyone I know. Dittos goes to an SA meeting in case I might know someone there.

Not trying to be difficult, just really frustrated and feeling helpless.

In other news, I completed a whole week of being clean for the first time in recent memory!! WOOHOOO!! It feels so... freeing!!!

Hey w2s check out the phone conferences on this site they are free and anonymous. Besides everyone on those calls know exactly what your going thru so no reason to be embarrassed. A week clean that's amazing keep it up.

Shalom Aleichim Harav Hatzadik WINNER Wants2Succeed,
I is incredible the deep personal emotions and fond memories that your posts and all the responses stir up in me. I was so afraid and uncomfortable when I first joined and wouldn't even think of emailing anyone or calling. Well I now participate regularly in telephone conferences and have many email and telephone friends. Several of them know who I am. But no need to do any more than what you feel comfortable with. Opening up on here is a massive step that is the entrance to your pathway to freedom.
Here you will learn that you are special and that HKB"H loves you very much. You will meet people who can share with you the path to closeness to HKB"H. You will learn that our struggle is the will of HKB"H and he celebrates our successes with us and cries with us over our challenges. Why not open up a new gmail account where you can remain anonymous and send me a private email to my anonymous gmail. pischoshelmachat@gmail.com. We can communicate privately and I can show you how to open an anonymous free phone number so you can call people without compromising your identity.
You cannot imagine how good you will feel as you connect with others who share in your struggle.
Welcome to the greatest place in my world!

Ditto what he said.
positivebentorah@gmail.com

Welcome, we're glad you're here! I don't know if it would be useful for you, but I related to a lot of what you wrote. My thread is "Walking Baal Tashchis?" In baalei batim section
Hatzlacha!

wants2succeed wrote:


Although it's 'scary' meetin' someone you know there, I do not recall anyone havin' a bad experience from it.
That bein' said, I travelled for six months for close to an hour to attend SA meetin's.

b'hatzlachah

wants2succeed wrote:
I totally identify with those feelings. I had them too... until I opened up. It's hard at first, but it's the most powerful thing you can do. If you want, you can join an anonymous 12 step phone conference. I can't recover by myself. I had over 20 years of failure to prove it. B"H, I now have over 5 years of sobriety. It was difficult at first, but VERY worth it! There's no rush. At some point many of us find that we just can't go on any more, we hit bottom.... and then we open up.

dear ws2
i had similar history
my parents were really severely harsh to me, i even was locked out one night alone of the house in the woods, i was left alone in the house for about 5 days, i wore rags, torn clothes, i went to yeshiveh with not a single dollar in my pocket, when i called home they told me "its too expensive to talk, dont ever call back!" (while they were earning a rich living), many nights went to bed without supper, smacked hit kicked was a daily routine, if i said that my rebbe punished me i got a double portion at home, if something broke at home i got slapped 100 whipes with a leather belt with no mercy, the list can go on and on
so now let me ask you, should i cry over that childhood of mine?
before going to a therapist i used to cry daily
my life was ruined, no shalom bayis, no connection with anyone
and the worst was that i didnt even know what is wrong with me
b"h i went to a therapist and by now i thank hashem for giving me such wonderful parents, such a good childhood, i know you wont understand these words, but thats your ultimate goal to reach for
bhatzlocho

Hard to swallow this one!